I feel like death. Im exhausted, my lungs are congested, and it feels like there's someone sitting on my chest. My throat is sore, like tonsilitis or strep throat. Of course, my muscles are going to start getting sore as well. I cant wait to go home. Luckily I took my supper later today so now I have less than 3 hours left of my shift with a break and some personal time left. Still though, I dont know how Im going to make it. It will be an early night tonight. There's nobody Im interested in on Leno or Conan tonight. I'll probably go to bed after Law&Order: SVU.

I bought new jeans yesterday at Wal*Mart. We were there to pick up prescriptions and I decided to look around and I found a cute pair of jeans for only $25, so I tried them on. They make my ass look AWESOME! Naturally I had to buy them. They're the most comfortable jeans I've bought in ages. They fit perfectly too, even the length (and for a short person that's important). I was warned to save my money for my trip to Halifax in two weeks.

There's more that I want to say, but my brain gets so muddled when Im sick, plus Im way too tired to be thinking. Hopefully I'll be better soon.

I finally got to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind today. The only word I can really use to describe it would be spec-fucking-tacular. It was honestly the best movie I've seen since Fight Club. I will own it when it comes out on DVD. I know that describing it wont do it justice, so just go see it.

I went out with the girls last night and had the best time in AGES. We went to one of the bars in town and I got wrecked on only three and a half Pur Source. It was frigging awesome. The band was comically terrible, and the patrons at the bar were equally as comical, so we had tons to laugh at. The band got better the drunker I got, and I was even up dancing and whatnot. Naturally I was really horny (due to combining lack of sex lately and a lot of alcohol) when we were leaving but I couldnt get a hold of him. He called about ten or fifteen minutes after I got home and I suppose my drunkenness convinced him to come over here. Unfortunately for him by the time he got here I was hardly even able to stay awake let alone perform. I told him that he could do it anyway, but for some reason he's never up for that. I cant figure out why...

Yes, I was being sarcastic.

Today I got an invitation to a jack and jill type wedding shower for a girl I've known since I was seven or eight. A jack and jill shower is one for both males and females, its held later at night and its more like a dance than a wedding shower. Im not exactly fond of them. My invitation was adressed to "Jenna & Guest". Naturally Boyfriend will be my guest as I cannot show up to something like that without having a date. This girl and I havent been friends since highschool, and honestly I always thought she was kind of snotty. Her mother and my mother knew each other, and her and I met in Brownies when we were young. I think we were best friends for a while in grade six, but we were always more of aquaintances than real friends. I would not have been offended if I wasnt invited, and the same will be true if I dont get invited to the wedding. But, since I was invited, I have to make an appearance.

Its weird. Im not even twenty-three yet, and there's already people that I grew up with who are getting married. There were people my age having children when we were in school, so its no big shock that there's even more who've had children since we graduated. But having children is different. Its a lifetime commitment, sure, but a child is someone who is related to you, and with a child, you start from scratch. Marriage is a lifetime commitment to someone who comes into your life after living up to that point without you, and could easily continue living without you. Im probably not explaining myself properly. What sounds like a good idea in my head, doesnt always turn out to be a good idea when I try to translate it into actual words.

What's really getting to me about her getting married is, how do you really know that this particular person is the one. Like, Boyfriend and I will be together for three years in a little less than two months, and I dont think we could successfully live together at this point, let alone be legally bound to each other. I dont know how long the soon-to-be-married couple have been together, but I think its only about four years. How can she know at (just about) 23 that this guy is the one that she'll go to bed with every night, for the rest of her life? Do you wake up one morning just knowing? I dont get it.

I feel like Im too young to make that kind of commitment to someone. My mother got married to my father when she was barely 20. Her older sister was married at 20, and her younger sister at 22. It boggles me how, at that age, you can be that ready.

Hmm... we're not fighting anymore. I broke down and called his cell phone around quarter to four in the morning. For those of you who suggested breaking up with him, that's not in the near future. We fight, sure, but we dont fight to the point where its unhealthy. And of course, its just weird to not fight at all. I've already told him that the only things that will guarantee a breakup are if he cheats on me, or lies to me about what he's doing when he's out with the boys. Im sticking to that. Im convinced that Im bi-polar and that's why I get as upset as I do over things. I dont really have a happy medium. He says Im crazy.

Im actually happy again today though. Its really warm again today, and the snow is melting at a fairly rapid pace. I cant wait until the snow is gone. Yesterday I walked to SubWay for supper because it was so nice out. I hadnt had SubWay in ages and it was soooo good. Today I got McD's on my way to work. I cant get into the habit again of getting food just because I have money. I have better things to do with my money. I am going to go to the mall after work today and pick up some stuff that I need. I probably wont be doing anything with Boyfriend tonight, he's babysitting. He invited me to go over with him, but I dont know. If I get fish at Wal*Mart then I'll have to take them home, and if Mom is making something good for supper Im going home for sure.

He said that he'd go to the movies with me tomorrow afternoon, then he has to run into work to do unpaid work. I hope he doesnt stay there the whole night like he did the last time. I swear, he was there until after 11pm doing work that they werent paying him for. I was very not pleased. But lately he's making it a habit of going in there on his days off. I like where I work, and I like the people I work with, but you wont catch me in here when they're not paying me, unless its important. I digress.

Im having a thin day. Actually Im having a thin and pretty day. AND its payday \m/. It doesnt even matter that I've already been rather upset with boyfriend. I can deal with that, because so far Im having a good day. I cancelled my day off for tomorrow because I dont want to sit home and hear mom bitch about me taking time off, and I dont need to hear him get that tone in his voice.

He told me that he's going to be babysitting ALL weekend, because his mother is gone away, and his step-father has a hockey tourney this weekend. That's fine. But if he goes out with the boys tonight because he's got a vehicle, and he doesnt make time to do something with me, I will NOT be a happy gurl. Especially after he told me last weekend that he'd go see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with me.

Im not going to let my good mood be killed though. Its too nice of a day outside. My MSN says that its 36 degrees F outside. I cant do conversion in my head but I think thats about 1 or 2 Celsius. Its almost balmy outside. Im almost *gasp* happy today. Go figure.

*insert lunch break*

My day is ruined. My nice happy mood is gone. I called him on my lunch break and he told me that he's going to see what the boys are up to tonight and maybe go to the Rum Jungle or something. And he said that he'll be going into work tomorrow to visit even though he was too busy babysitting to do anything with me all weekend. I said flat out that if he goes out tonight that he cant say that he's too busy babysitting to do anything with me all weenend, its not fair. So then he gets pissy and says something about me making threats and punts me off the phone. Im sitting here near tears and I still have 5 hours left before I can go home. Im really, really upset.

Just proves that any time I get my hopes up, there's always someone there to stomp on them and knock me down. I dont know why I even bother.

When I was getting dressed for work this morning I decided to break dress code ...sort of. I was looking in my closet for something different to wear and I decided on one of my halter-tops that I bought last summer. Obviously those type of tops violate dress code policy, so I threw on my long sweater to cover my back. Not that Im dressing up for anybody in particular, I just find that I get in a rut where I tend to wear the same clothes all the time. And I felt like being pretty.

Its only Thursday, and I feel like the week just wont end. I have Saturday off, and tomorrow is payday, so I plan on going to Wal*Mart and getting a goldfish, and I desperately need a new compact, and some shampoo and conditioner. Actually I need tons of stuff like that. Soap and shave lotion, the list goes on and on. I just havent had the money for any of that stuff. I dont want to spend too much money because I want to save for my trip, plus I have an insurance payment coming up, and a phone bill to pay. But I will have a few extra dollars to do a little splurging on myself.

I actually have nothing to talk about. I do have a rant, but I think I'll save that one for later ...maybe.

How dumb are you expected to feel when its your bag of microwave popcorn that burns and forces the evacuation of your ENTIRE building?

Yeah, exactly.

This was a test.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

So I near fell off my chair today. It happened when I was reading this blog. If you read the entry dated March 23rd, and look to the left, to his updated favorites list, you'll see it. My blog is there, MINE. I had to click on the link just to be sure. It was like someone smacked me. I still dont clue in that people read my blog. Like, duh, I know that there are a few who leave comments and whatnot, but that's besides the point. People actually read what I write. Kind of mind blowing, really. Plus it reminded me that I should probably update my own favorites list.

Boyfriend and I went to see Dawn of the Dead this weekend. I really didnt want to go see it, and we actually had a fight about it. Anywho, it wasnt that bad of a movie. Other than the gross parts, it was actually almost enjoyable. I did not see any of the original trilogy, being as how Im not particularly partial to zombie movies, or gratuitous violence or bloodshed. Which is really weird, considering my vampire fetish. Nonetheless, there are always lines that can be drawn. The best part of the movie though, was the lounge cover of Disturbed's song "Down With the Sickness". If you download music, download that song. It's way better than the lounge cover of Oasis' "Wonderwall".

Is there really a need to just whip it out in public to breastfeed? Im far from prudish, I just feel that there's a time and place. If you read the article, the woman was only asked to cover up after someone complained about it. That should have clinched it, but noooo. *sigh*

This is amusing. A couple went to see Jesus Chainsaw Massacre and afterwards got into a physical altercation about whether "God" is human or not. Many times I've had this type of debate with my boyfriend and he's yet to hit me, and I've yet to stab him. Honestly now, there's no proof either way, so why fight over it. And the couple was married, you'd have thought they might have had the conversation sometime prior to this in the time they've been together. Some people are just different I suppose...

Oh, I didnt make up "Jesus Chainsaw Massacre", I blantently stole it from www.fark.com. I wish it was mine, its quite witty.

I was cruising around on the internet today like I usually do before my shift and I found this article and there was one line in it that really pissed me off. The parents are quoted as saying "My child is not old enough to understand something like that, especially when it is not in our beliefs." Who's beliefs? The child is in elementary school, how do they know what she's going to believe in? I know that parents want their children to have the same beliefs that they do, but it doesnt always work that way. They shouldnt try and "protect" their child from homosexuality, because that just promotes the hatred and fear that a lot of people have today. I really dont agree with them keeping the book out of the library, because who are they to judge what other parents teach their children about? Really, now. There's nothing wrong with people who are gay, its whats wrong with everybody else.

I dont have any children. I do plan to have children in the future, and I know that I want to raise my children to be open minded and come to their own conclusions about things. I dont plan on bringing up my children to be Catholic, and I want them to come to their own conclusions about whether or not they want to believe in a god. I know my mother hates the fact that I dont go to church anymore. I havent flat out told her that I dont believe in her God, because I know that its something that will hurt her. I honestly dread having to tell her that I dont want to Baptize any children that I have. I just dont want to force my children into any sort of beliefs. I want them to have an awareness, but I want them to come to their own beliefs. Morality is all relative.

Friday night I got my brother to put more blonde in my hair. Actually its more of a caramel than blonde. I've had probably a dozen people at work tell me that it looks really nice. A lady at work told me today that it brightens my face more than dark colors do, and she's a trained hairdresser. I prefer my hair dark though, and I've had people tell me that I looked good with dark hair as well. Im waiting until about a month and Im going to dye it again, dark red or purple. Maybe I'll make a trip to the Black Market when I go to Halifax (although its not for sure that Im going yet, I havent mentioned it to my mother). All of my days off were approved for the trip, and since they're taking my car, I'd like to go with it.

I found these really cute sneakers at Wal*Mart the other day and they're only $19.99. They're silver (silver!!!!), and they come with pink or blue accents. I think they're really pretty, and I need new sneakers anyway. The ones Im wearing now are 3 years old, and really wearing out. Im gonna go and put my new sneakers on lay-away because even though I have the money, Im trying to make my money last me until my next pay. So I'll put them on lay-away today and I'll pick them up sometime next week.

The contract that I'm on at work is officially finished on July 1st, 2004. We have no idea where we'll all be going then. Starting April 6th, 2004; approx. 6500 customers per day will be migrating from our company to the company that's taking over. We're gonna get busy. But eventually we'll taper off due to the loss of customers. Im curious to find out what I'll be doing come July. I might just quit and get another job. Im really getting tired of this job. I didnt mind it until lately. I think its just boredom, plus I want to make more money.

I just called home, and my trip is pretty much set. The only thing is who's going to look after the dogs. I dont think that my father even has to go with us really. I'll end up having to sit in the backseat of my car I know it. I dont want to sit backseat with him driving. I'll be content to sit shotgun if Mom was driving, but I dont like him anyway, so I dont want him driving my car. We'll leave out the fact that he's a bad driver. Honestly, its not about how long you've driven, its about how well you drive.

My thoughts are becomming muddled, I should get back to work.

Secret Window is a must see!! I absolutely loved it. Boyfriend loved it too. He actually wants to see it again. I cant wait to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind because it looks really, really good. And I have been a fan of Elijah Wood since I was about 13 or 14. He's right up there with Johnny Depp on my list of favorite actors. And, he's rather cute too ;)

Its only my first day back and Im liking my reduced hours already. Normally at 9:30pm Im looking toward another 3 hours of this, whereas tonight its only another hour. Its great! I'll get home just in time to watch Law&Order: SVU, which is one of my favorite shows. I love all the Law&Order shows. My favorite show, though, is CSI, the one in Las Vegas. I like the Miami one as well, but it makes David Caruso's character a little too self-important. Virtually all of the shows I watch are crime shows. Maybe Im a little more twisted than I previously thought.

I may be going on a short trip in a couple of weeks. Its nothing major, just to Halifax. The only reason that Im going is because my brother wants someone to go who will do some shopping with him. I'll have a full paycheque then so I should have a little bit of money to do some shopping with. Frig, I'll be happy just stopping at the dollar stores along the way. Im a geek I know.

Im going to the movies!!! I had a little extra money, and he had a little extra money, so we're going to the matinee to see Secret Window and then Im probably gonna stay at his place tonight. It should be fun. Lately work has been my only real social life and its starting to get pretty pathetic.

I got my hours reduced again to 35hrs/week. No more 10hr shifts for a while. *phew* The 10hr shifts are really killing me. If I stay the whole shift I dont get home until 1am. I hate being at work that late. Now the latest I'll get home will be 11:30 on Fridays, and 11pm on the other two long days. I think that Im gonna cancel my long weekend next weekend because I cant particularly afford it.

I may have to cancel my long weekends for the rest of the month, but Im going to keep my two long weekends in April. I think I'll save my money and get my lip pierced. I'll put my tattoo off for another month or two, when I can really afford that. I cant wait until I get my Income Tax return. Its only going to be $200, but it'll be enough to get me a gym membership and some clothes.

We put more bleach in my hair last night. I've dyed my hair 3 times in the past 4 weeks. I promise I wont do anything to it again for another 4 weeks at least. It looks really cool though. Its got brown, red, and blonde mixed throughout. And the red/orangey parts look kind of burnt. It took me the better part of 45 minutes this morning to straighten it. I've decided that Im going to let it grow long again. I miss having it long.

I better go paint my face on and stuff myself into some dressy clothes.

It happened. Someone said to me "Hey, I read your blog". I've never had that actually said to be before. It was kind of weird. Its comparable to someone walking up to you at the mall and saying "Hey, I watch you shower". I write not thinking that people are going to read it, so when someone tells me that they do, I get taken aback. I mean, its not like anything I write is interesting. Im sure most of it doesnt even make sense. I dont proofread. At all. You read what comes directly from my muddled little brain. The person who told me that they read my blog works in the same building as I do, actually she sits the next row over, and we were talking about how reading blogs passes the time while you're waiting 15 minutes for a call. Plus, most of the blogs that I read, I read because either they're what I call "easy reading", or I can identify with the blogger somehow. Oh, "easy reading" is when I start reading something and dont want to stop. Like that book you just cant put down. Difficult reading would be something that hasnt caught my interest after 10 minutes.

I have a four day weekend starting tomorrow. I really want to go see Secret Window with Johnny Depp (mmmm), which starts this Friday, but I dont have the money and neither does Boyfriend. *insert frown here* Also this month I want to see Taking Lives with Angelina Jolie, Jersey Girl with Ben Affleck. He's gonna want to see Dawn of the Dead. I dread going to see that with him, not because I wont like it, but because he's not going to like it. When we went to see Texas Chainsaw Massacre in the summer he hated it, when I didnt mind it at all. He's a little more picky about movies than I am. I think its because he gets himself pumped up for a movie, and then when it doesnt turn out to be as good as he expected, he gets let down. I dont usually get hyped up for a movie, like that. Hopefully I'll have some money soon though, so I can actually go to a movie.

A couple that I was once really good friends with has broken up. They were together over 3 years. Im actually surprised that they broke up actually. They were the type of couple that you thought would stay together forever, but not because they were great for each other, but because he was spineless and she was a bitch. She was your typical controlling-bitch of a girlfriend, I ceased all contact with her in December when she tried to control me (wanting me to make all plans around her, etc). He was your typical broken-down, under her thumb type of boyfriend. I have no idea what caused the breakup, or who broke up with who, or any details actually. Im hearing everything third-hand. I really hope that he broke up with her. I really want him to have grown a spine and told her to shove it.

The thing that gets everyone is that in all the time he stayed with her, they never had sex. He was not a virgin, but she was. Even my own boyfriend told me that he would have waited about six months, and if there was no sex, he would have found someone who would give him that. Most guys would agree. This girl would stay over the guy's house every Saturday night, and sleep in his bed with him, and not have sex. The only time that I've stayed at my boyfriend's house and not had sex with him was when I was on my period. I dont know if I could date someone for that long and not have sex. Personally I think that it was just another way for her to control him. But life's all about choices.

Last night I saw the movie Secretary, with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader. It was the first movie I really enjoyed in a while. Im not going to describe the movie, you can read a review here. But I will warn, its not a movie for people with no sense of humor, and a little interest in sado-masochism helps as well. I think I liked the movie because I identified with the main character. She comes from a disfunctional household, and hurts herself to make herself feel. And then with the sado-masochism ;)

Security just called me to tell me that my keys were just dropped off to security. I dont see my car in the parking lot, but maybe when I call Mom later she'll be able to tell me where it is, and if there's a tire on it that will get me through until a couple of weeks.

They say things always happen in threes. I believe it. Saturday, I had a flat tire. Today, my spare tire went flat when I was driving to work. I get to work and my bank account is $94 overdrawn because Student Loan took money from me when they werent supposed to. I have a $122 car insurance payment supposed to come out of my account next Wednesday and obviously I dont have the money to cover it. I dont even have gas money to get me to work next week. *sigh* I'll have to see if I can borrow the money from my mother until I get paid or get my Income Tax refund, which is only going to be $200 anyway. *double sigh*

Ya know what really pisses me off? When my mother doesnt bitch me out for booking days off of work, but my boyfriend does. I booked 8 days off this month, giving me 3 long weekends and instead of him saying something nice about it because Im so hyped, he lectures me about "I better not hear you bitching about not having any money". After this paycheck I'll be on track with my bills, and once I drop my student loan payments I'll have tons of money. I really hate it when he lectures me, about anything. Usually its about stuff that he does himself, but "that's different". Way to burst my bubble.

current mood: pissy

McDonald's restaurants in the U.S. are discontinuing Supersize fries and drinks because consumers are getting too fat. ARE THEY FUCKING INSANE???? It is not the restaurant's fault that the people who eat there are getting to fat. I love to eat McDonald's chicken fajita combo with fries, but I know that I cant eat them all the time for 2 reasons: 1) I'll get fat, and 2) it would cost too much. I dont supersize my combo because it would be too much for me to eat, but I know people who can eat more than I can, so go ahead, supersize. Its a lot cheaper than buying two orders of fries. And there's really no need to have supersize drinks anyway when you get free refills on pop at the newer restaurants anyway. Its just another way for people to pass the blame about their own (or their children's) weight problems.

Like, I know that Im overweight. I could use to lose a good 40lbs or so (most people would argue me on that, I wear my weight well). So I've decided to cut down on my treats, especially at work, and hopefully join a local gym once I can get the money together. Im not going to blame the local McDonald's for selling me fries that's making me fat. Its my choice to pull in the drive-through on my way to work. For the record, I might stop at McDonald's once or twice in a given month.

Part of the reason I want to take cooking next year at school is to be able to cook my own healthy food. Currently Im relying on what other people can make for me, which for the most part isnt the healthiest. I dont cook now mostly because I dont know how to. Well, no. Most things I have a general idea how to cook, but I could never survive on my own without eating canned or packaged food. I cant survive on that stuff the rest of my life. My boyfriend can cook, but he doesnt eat what I do. I like to eat veggies and he prefers meat. He eats tons of sandwiches and the only sandwiches I eat are from Subway. I cant depend on him to be able to cook for me because he's not going to cook what I want to eat. I have to be able to cook what I want. Which reminds me, I have to apply to the college.

I must be in L2 today, I signed on 27 minutes ago and havent taken a call yet, when I know that L1 is only 10 minutes between calls. I dont mind at all.

About Saturday...

There's not a pharmacy open in this friggin town after 6pm on a Saturday night. I was tempted to drive to my own town where the pharmacies are open until 9pm to get hair dye, but I didnt want to spend the gas money. I called him whining about what I should do and he suggested going to Sobey's (one of the grocery stores) because they have a pharmacy inside, and they're open until 9pm. So I turn around and Im driving down the street, and hit a pothole, and my front passenger side tire goes flat. Its about 6:45pm.

Boyfriend cant come help because his brother (who he was babysitting) was asleep and obviously couldnt be left alone. There was nobody at my house to come and help. Scratch that, my father was home, but he was in bed. I finally get through to my aunt's house at about 7:05pm and she said that my mother just dropped her off and was going home after that. Sooo... I call home again, my brother answers and I tell him the problem. He has to wake my father up so that they can drive over and change my tire. Its now 7:10.

Boyfriend tires of talking to me so I call my mother at 7:30 to find out when they left. She says they're gone a good 10 minutes at that point. They should be there soon, being as how its only a 20min drive from home to where Im at. I talk to Mom for about 10 minutes and then she has to go because the dogs are getting rowdy. So its now 7:40, they should be here within minutes. They get there at 8:00pm. It took them 40 minutes to make a 20 minute drive. I didnt even have to say anything about it, my brother just rolled his eyes at me and said that Dad had to take a certain "route" to get there. I told him that I had been wondering why it was taking them so long.

They finished changing my tire at 8:15 and Im finally on my way. After an hour and a half of people driving by and looking at me on the side of the road with my 4-way flashers on. After countless taxis and 2 (count 'em) police cars drove by, I can finally get my hair dye. I get to the grocery store and pick a color that I wanted, and that would cover his blonde hair for the time being. I get back to his place where he proceeds to make me feel lower than dirt about the color I chose. At this point Im already upset about being stuck in my car for an hour and a half. I didnt really need him to be cranky at me because he ran out of smokes. Really, I didnt.

So he's pissy and Im crying, its a wonderful combination. We get to leave about 9pm-ish and we go and return the hairdye that I bought and flew to Wal*Mart to get new stuff that would be up to his approval. We couldnt decide on a color, and the store was closing so I picked up a box of flaming red Feria dye. Then we went to my house so I could pack my bag and whatnot. It was about 11pm by the time we got to his house, way too late to start dying our hair. We decided to leave that until Sunday.

So Sunday morning (more like Sunday afternoon) I dye our hair. Mine came out a little darker than his because my hair was darker. My blonde streaks were dyed orange last week, and the rest is still brown from when I dyed it black a few months ago. His hair was still all blonde, and came out bright flaming red. His was a little more orange than mine is but it looks good on him. Next week he'll be threatening to shave his head again, Im pretty sure of it. But he can buy his own dye next week.

The highlight of my weekend though happened last night. We were at our friend's place and the Baby decided to take his first steps. It was only 3 steps, and he stopped when he realized we were all looking at him, but it still counts. Pretty soon he'll be running around giving everyone a hard time. I cant wait!