I dont talk about my home life much. I dont think I talk about it here at all, and I think Corrine and Janice are the only people that have any idea what goes on, simply because I dont like to talk about it. Tonight, though, Mockey (my mother's aunt, who's the only grandmother I really have) and I had a long discussion about my mother, the state of her health, and how she treats my brother and I. It feels really good to know that someone sees it from the outside, the way that my brother and I see it from the inside.

Sigh.

This isnt the place for meatworld offline shit, but I feel hurt. I dont like feeling ignored, it makes me wonder if someone has a problem with me that Im unaware of. Nonetheless, Im off to get a free facial (not that kind of facial, you pervert).

Two suicides in less than a month. One guy who was twenty-five, and the other who I think is only in his early thirties. This town is seriously fucked up.

Damn.

I came home to a blue screen stop error on my PC. So far it hasnt been a one time thing, I've seen it three times so far tonight. This is not my speciality, so Jenelle is currently looking for an answer. Luckily she works for Dell!

Sometimes my eyes really are grey. And if you look really closely at my left eye you can see the gold spot. Well, at least I can because I know its there.

And you know what sucks? Being two and a half months away from getting your B.Ed and having Student Loan completely fuck you over and then have to quit school because you have no other way to pay for your education. As I was starting to type this, he told me that he's selling his bass and accessories (amps/pedal/case) in order to try and raise the money. It makes me sad that he has to go to those lengths because National Student Loan Center is seriously fucking him over. And I thought I had it hard.

No post at this very moment. Here's two links I found interesting.

One.

Two.

In one instant message window, Corrine and I are discussing giving guys head. In another instant message window Im "discussing" my brother's friends with him. It seems wrong in ways I dont understand, yet hilariously funny at the same time.

.jenna. says: interesting
.jenna. says: dirty whore
Corrine says: mmmmmmm i want fuzzy peaches
Corrine says: hahahahaah
.jenna. says: i couldnt help it
.jenna. says: someone should kick her feet out and go at her face with a cheese grater
.jenna. says: it feels so good to say that
Corrine says: haha Its funny to hear

I dont want to talk about Grey's Anatomy, Im too disgusted and upset.

But, this makes me so much happier. :D

Sixth row for Joel Plaskett (and Symphony Nova Scotia)!!!!! Sixth motherfucking row!!!!! I pity the poor people who have to sit on either side of us, I really do.

Does it make sense that I was more offended by the fact that he told me he watched me walk in the building and it looked like I had lost weight, than I was over the fact he was looking down my shirt? I really wanted to say "So I suppose I look like a cow every other day?". I did not take it as a compliment whatsoever. I do not like casual acquaintances pointing out my weight, I have a difficult enough time dealing with it on my own.

He was not the first person today that I caught looking down my shirt, and that is the sort of thing I take as a compliment. For the most part, I have yet to have a problem dealing with what essentially boils down to sexual harassment at work. As long as it is innocent, or the other party and I are on the same page, I can have fun with that. Besides, when it comes down to making sure I get my vacation approved next month, they can look at whatever the hell they want to look at. Everybody has a price, and my vacation plans are already made.

I will be working extra hours starting Saturday. This I decided today. Sometimes sucking up is not below me.

Jim Dan *Name*, the brother of the deceased man, asked the young people to stop the protest.

He quietly told the gathering his brother took his own life.

“We got that from the medical examiner, not the police.
There is no coverup. Let the police do their job, they are doing a good job.”

“This type of action is not helping the town or anyone else, especially my family.”

So it wasnt a murder afterall, it was a suicide. The news that there was no foul play involved did not prevent the few-hundred-people-strong mob from forming. It did not prevent a house from being burned down, or another to get a smashed window. There still has not been an official statement about the cause of death, but murder or suicide, the death of a twenty-five year old young man is still a goddamned shame. Especially in this town, where this type of thing has happened before under different circumstances.

So, I got up this mornin' and threw on me "Pirates arrr cool" tshirt because I hardly e'er wear it, not realizin' that today were bein' International Talk Like A Pirate Day. I were bein' super duper excited and proceeded t' talk like a pirate on messenger fer like two hours after bein' made aware o' th' information. I *heart* pirates. :D

Karla says:
dont fuck with ndub
Karla says:
we crazy

All of a sudden this town is like the Wild West. Things just keep getting curiouser and curiouser.

Its weird, you know, finding out that someone the same age as you are has been murdered. He went to elementary school with me and everything. Looking at his picture in newspaper articles, he hasnt changed his looks since then. I feel really bad for his family, I know his grandmother and she's a really nice woman. What I also know, is how people in this town are. I know that whoever caused this guy's death is going to really want the police to find them first. Small town justice, man, this is gonna be interesting.

So I take VTO from work less than two hours into my shift because I was under the impression that my family was going to the Provincial Park for the last time before it gets cold. I get home to find out that, no, we're spending the afternoon in my aunt's gazebo. Im more than slightly annoyed, I would have rathered stayed at work and finished Veterinarian Mike's puzzle with him. We're building the Sydney Opera House in 3D.

Corrine made me watch this video today and it gave me goosebumps AND erect nipples I was so excited.

Only five days away :D

I get in the car today and notice a tenner stuck in the visor. I dont know who put it there, but thank you for the gas money. I was in and out of the DMV in half an hour with my business taken care of AND Wal*Mart took my car right away (oil change), so I was in and out of there in slightly over half an hour. I was on a roll today. While at Wal*Mart, I found a really cute luggage set for only $30 (it was pink, I couldnt leave it there. Plus, I dont own a suitcase.), but my favorite find today was my lipgloss. It wasnt that I was over the moon for the color, or that it was a great price, or even that I needed lipgloss, I found a shade called (are you ready?) snog and couldnt leave it on the shelf.

I love it when a guy can keep me laughing like that. I believe Kimberly is now making it her mission to hook me up.

There is one inalienable truth to posting things on the internet: someone is going to read it. Its not always the person that you want to read it, and with everything else, all actions have consequences. This is why I dont post things I dont want other people to know. I learned that lesson already, but obviously not everyone has. You reap what you sow, plain and simple, and who are any of you to tell me how I should be reacting. I didnt do anything to deserve this, but through the actions of other people Im left (again) having to pick up the pieces. Its ironic to note that he's probably the only person who knows just how fragile I actually am. (Not that I think he gives a damn, he obviously didnt the four years we were together, Im just making a point.)

I think what people dont get is that I blog because this is how I work out issues. Im not moody or insolent or bitchy in person, I get it out on here so that I dont have to take it out on other people. Im way too considerate for my own good. I rely too much on "do unto others" and Im not even Christian. So much so that it seriously bothers me how low people can actually get. I think that's why this whole situation upset me, I just dont get it. It has nothing to do with the fact that he actually cheated, because (again) it just confirmed what I had no proof of previously. I just dont get how people could know what he was doing and even think that he was in any ways a respectable guy. Im too good to put much effort into hating him though, he's not worth it. Im better without him, period.

Im not saying this is over, but between talking it out with whoever will listen, and venting here (which is what blogs are for afterall) Im getting it out of my system rather well. Im actually told by everyone else that I've been taking this better than a lot of people would. I've actually been extremely reserved about what I've said about either of them, especially her (why should I be nice to him now?). I even went so far as to edit a post because I felt bad for being harsh. I never edit or delete posts. But, look where that got me.

In other news, my stats have been the highest in the last two days that they have been in a month.

(Bonus points for anyone who names the song lyrics I've been using as titles.)

Blood obviously does not run deep.

How DARE he have the nerve to go around and villify me after I dumped Dirtbag knowing full well that he fucked some chick behind my back when he was away. This is the discussion my mother and I had earlier this evening. Oh yes, she knows. She knows ALL about it and she will make sure the rest of the family knows the full story as well. How dare I become villified over it when it was fully known what he did to me. Trust me, everyone will know. Everyone will know how Dirtbag isnt the only slimy person in this situation.

Im angry now, but I've never felt to betrayed as I did today. I was sick all afternoon, and I cried the whole way home. I was not crying over the fact that I was cheated on (that wasnt a surprise, remember), but THIS betrayal was more than I really could take. Its good to know that when the chips are down you can always count on your family eh?

Its hitting me in stages. Im finally starting to feel rage now, at the whole situation. I'll be honest, I resent him. I resent him for everything he did to me and everything he put me through. I've ranted on all of that in the past, so there's no point in rehashing it. What's getting to me now is that not only did he take advantage of me (physically AND emotionally), but he took advantage of everybody. My mother treated him better than his own mother did most times, and he had the nerve to trot back to university and fuck some other chick. He had the nerve to say to me "No *name edited* and I are long over, I chose you over her a long time ago" when I questioned him about it when I had suspicions. I remember telling him that it felt like he was just keeping me around to have someone to fuck when he came home for the weekend, and looking back, that's what I was.

And its not like she didnt know about me, so she has no right to play victim at this point. Having sex with a guy you know is in a "committed" relationship is just as bad as cheating on your partner. The only redeming factor would be for her to give the whole story. I might respect her then. It honestly sickens me that people could do this type of thing to other people and be able to live with themselves in the aftermath. I might not be religious, but I fucking well have morals (probably more so than other so called religious people). Like, how does one decide "You have a girlfriend but I'll fuck you anyway because you're obviously such a stellar guy". How can someone justify that? I really want these questions answered. I want to know when it started, and how it came about that they agreed to fuck each other behind my back. There's no point in trying to hide it now.

The only thing helping me get through the various emotions is going around and telling everybody what he did (and do I ever mean EVERYBODY), from The Internet to everybody on my messenger list, to everybody I talk to at work, to my family and all of my brother's friends. And luckily one of my friends has a boyfriend who works at one of the bars in town, and she knows all of the staff and whatnot. As far as I know he's cheated on every girlfriend he's had (at least two out of three), and I want people to know what kind of top notch individual this guy is.

Im drunk. My cousin go tmarried today and we went to the reception tongiht and Im drunk. I did not pick up at the reception and I couldnt go to Hermans becaus emy stupid brother didnt have ID and Jenelle was wasteder than me and we couldnt go. BUT me n Jenelle had a great time dancing away at the reception and then some chick told me I "look great for my age" cuz she thought I was liek 21 and I dont think she was hitting on me. Oh! And we knocked on the firestation and the old man fireman came to the door but then the hot guy looked at us throught the window and when we were waiting for our drive these four guys started walking toward us and I ran back up to the firstartion and they were all "do you know where we can get weed" and I y elled that we werent from that area and he looked at me and was "so what's your name" and I said "Jenna" and he was "Jenna what" and I told him and I said where I was from cuz I looked hot and they talked to us for another ten minutes and then left to go find weed. They were like 20 or something. Im going to bed.

I've been hearing my comments might not be working properly. If that is the case email me, or message me, or call me if you have my number. If comments are frigging up for a lot of people I'll try and complain to Blogger.

For now, Im off to get drunk!

And the saga continues. I know for a fact he cheated on me with her. I dont know the full story, like when exactly it happened, but I really want to. I think I deserve to know all of this. I had suspicions that there were things going on at one point, but he made me feel like I was this psycho jealous girlfriend and it was all in my head. Obviously Im not and it wasnt. I cant really describe how good it feels to finally know that. Its like I've been vindicated. I dont feel the least bit hurt or betrayed, anything I felt toward him or that relationship I've long since gotten over.

Its actually weird, because I want to know, but I dont want to hear it from him. I've severed my ties with him and dont care to talk to him ever again. As far as Im concerned, he can die in a fire. I think Im more likely to get the truth out of her, and at this point, there's no reason for me to hold any ill will toward this girl. If she can live with herself knowing that she had sex with someone else's boyfriend, its on her consious and not mine. I dont say that to be bitchy or anything, life is about choices, and that's the choice she made. And Im sure she's matured in the years since it happened. Plus, chances are, whatever he was telling her about me at the time wasnt true and she would have had no way to actually know what was happening in his and my relationship. Im not saying she's a victim or anything, but look at the kind of guy he is.

Im glad I found out now, as opposed to when it was happening, or even right when I broke up with him. Im glad I found out now because Im over him, and Im over the relationship. Finding out about him cheating allows me to relish the fact that no matter what else happened, I can still say "Hey, but I didnt fuck anyone else". I come out on top in this situation because I am the one who did nothing wrong. I win.

And as a semi-related matter, Janice and I had already made plans to go for coffee tonight when this whole thing came up, and I was beside myself with excitement since yesterday waiting to tell her. My ex and Janice's boyfriend Jason were friends, and Jay still talked to my ex after we were broke up. Im fine with that, I cant control what other people do. Anyway, I guess about a month ago Jay asked my ex to go for coffee while he was in town, my ex agreed, but then couldnt be found when the time came. At this point, none of us should be surprised. Anyway not long after that my ex's mother goes up to Jay (at the bar where he works) and starts going on about how Jay apparently only asked my ex for coffee so that he could pump my ex for information for me. This woman is under the impression that I actually care what my ex does with his life now. Some people seriously need to get over themselves. If I cared so much, I would not have broken up with him. I was as done then as I am done now. What he does is not my business. The cheating thing, though, that happened when he was with me, that is my business.

I feel fantastic. I found out tonight without a shadow of a doubt that my ex that I broke up with last summer had cheated on me. Copied from the girl's blog:

Side Bar: Phil and I have a 'history'....we dated a couple of times...then we hooked up for over a year. Anyway...that was over 3 years ago now. There's nothing between us and I would like to be friends at least.... oh well.

Now, if you do the math, I met and started going out with him 5 years ago and dated him for four years. Sooo... if she was still hooking up with him "more than three years ago" he was with me at the time. Three months before I started with him, he had broken up with his highschool girlfriend of three and a half years. The story he told me was that he had met this other chick a couple of weeks before the term ended (at university), meaning that without a doubt he cheated on me.

This totally justifies the time I made out with another guy.

And breaking up with him on MSN messenger? Doesnt hold a candle to this.

I win.

So my cousin is getting married on Saturday. I was all worried about getting the time off to go to the wedding and whatnot, but I went to talk to the time off guy today and all it took was a little bit of sweet talking with a slight side of pleading and SHAZAM! Time off was approved right there in front of me, even though Im not supposed to get time off during my first two weeks on the new contract. I win :D

The only downer is that the guy who stalked me at the Rock Ranger concert a couple of weeks ago will probably be at the reception. If he acts like he did at the bar that night I might just have to look at him and say "*GUY*, FUCK OFF!". You dont believe me, do you?

Also, its official, Im going to visit Corrine the end of October. Our plans so far involve going shopping, and seeing Joel Plaskett perform (with a symphony?). In order for me to be able to afford to go and blow cash in the city, I've promised myself no more new clothes until then. Think I can last two months? That's four paycheques, people. I think I can do it.

So, the guy that I sit next to is one of the nicest guys I've ever met, and he's gorgeous in a "regular guy" kind of way.

...And moving to Australia in February to go to school.

I downloaded Windows Media Player 11 Beta last night and I really like it. So far it has not caused my computer to freeze up or crash like WMP 10 used to. And the interface is quite flashy and shiny, which is always important. I also upgraded IE7 from Beta to RC1 for no other reason than it was available. I dont see a difference from the last Beta. Not that its a big deal, Im a Firefox user anyway, I just feel I should have my Microsoft products up to date. That said, Im in no rush to upgrade to Vista (this pc meets the minimum requirements, but nothing more).

I just had a whole essay typed out about how I have low self esteem and as a result I seriously start doubting myself when people dont msg me or invite me to do stuff, and because of the self doubt I cant make the first move (Like, I havent talked to Janice in like a month and I feel shitty, but just cant force myself to pick up the phone.), but I dont feel like talking about that right now. In the meantime, meet Bree (more later on why Im introducing her).

My Corrine's gone back to University :( Whoever will I mock the masses with now?

My world has just been rocked.

I was trawling through the interweb and came across one of those websites with silly articles and reviews of things, and as per ususal I started looking on the "about" section, which led me to the bios of the contributors. This is where I discovered that one of the guys who runs the site has the same last name as I do. To put this in perspective, I have a last name that nobody else around here has. My grandfather is from a different province, so the only people in this province with this last name are those who are directly related to us. Even elsewhere, the name is not at all common, so to randomly see some guy on the internet with the same name fucked me the hell up. I had to email him basically to point out this fact. He's going to think Im strange, but I just couldnt help myself.

Well, training is over, and Im rather glad. Some of the people in my training class were start to seriously get on my nerves. See, they had us in a class with existing agents being cross trained and new people hired off the street. This meant that they had to gear the training toward the new hires, and those of us who have been in the building for four or more years (and multiple different contracts) sat around bored. It was frusterating, but not as frusterating as some of the other agents who had been there like three years and asked more questions than the new hires. About things that she should have known. Im glad I had Kelly next to me, so we could share exasperated sighs and comments, and Robyn was always close enough to be able to roll our eyes at each other when another question was repeated, or when people kept comparing everything to the last contract. I couldnt have taken any more of it.

Training being over naturally means that my next shift I'll be taking calls, which is fine by me. I'll be nervous answering my first call, but its all stuff that I've done before. If you're wondering what I'll be doing, Im moved from a contract where we supported internet within hotels worldwide, to assisting home users remove malicious software from their computers. Piece of cake. I wont be going elbows deep into the operating system, but that's fine by me. I'll finally be able to kick back and just take calls without having to worry about all of the other bullshit of the last contract AND no supervisors (who's son you've dated) making off the cuff remarks as they walk by. This alone is worth the move.