Lookit me! I can post from work again :D Dont expect anything major or profound from me, but things may come a lot more frequently than before. Although, for those who are really interested in my goings-on, Im hardly ever further than an IM or phone call away.
January was a bad month, things are looking up. Yesterday I (legally) came into possession of a genuine, full copy of Microsoft Windows Vista Home Premium which I spent at least three hours installing onto my two year old Dell Inspiron 6000 last night. I did a direct upgrade from XP and had to rip and reinstall my AVG, but no biggie. The only major issue I had was that the touchpad drivers werent compatable with the new OS so I had to fight a little bit and get new ones installed. Things are working fine now, however.
My computer only has 512MB ram, so by default it cannot run Aero in Vista, but a friend of mine gave me a hack for Aero that I think I'll try when I go home tonight. No problem though if I cant make it work.
{Wednesday, January 31}
Oooooh shiny!
{Monday, January 29}
Ooooh Im a troublemaker apparently.
So... Im not dead. Despite having a story to post, I just really havent been in the mood. Nonetheless, like I said, I do have a story.
So, if you refer to my previous post, Fuckhead was after calling me behind Baby Momma's back pretending to be all up in there again and whatnot. In the days following him bein all "I cant do it, blah blah blah", it really bothered me that he would even go behind her back and call me and say the things that he said. Whether he actually meant it or not, or was just doing it out of jealousy towards his friend and I talking, was besides the point. He flat out went behind her back and told me that he wanted me over her. It honestly really bothered me that he could actually do that. I wasnt so much bothered that he used me, it was more that he would do that in general to people. Use people like that. Im too, ugh, moral of a person for that to even remotely sit well with me.
Im sure you can see where this is going.
I told her.
I wrote Baby Momma a big long heartfelt letter about what he had done, stressing that the last thing I wanted was vengeance. I wasnt doing it to be hateful, or vindictive. Im not like that, at all. I simply told her because what he did wasnt right, and I know if I were in her shoes (a guy going behind my back, oh I've been there), I would want someone to tell me. In fact, if someone had have told me at the time, it could have saved me years in a miserable relationship. But, its all water under the bridge now, back to the topic at hand. I did know that it would royally piss him off, me selling him out like that, but Im okay with burning bridges when the time is right. The last thing I wanted was for him to think I was just another passive little puppet that would swoon in another few weeks or months or whatever when he got tired of her and wanted a piece.
Now, dont think I did this immediately after he changed his mind. No, that happened on Saturday, then I hummed and hawed for a few days, and sent her the letter Tuesday night. I discussed it with multiple people prior to composition, and had it proofread by Corrine and KG before sending it off. I didnt actually feel good about doing it. I had a lot of anxiety over it during work the next day. When I got home and checked my email there was a reply from her thanking me for being honest about it, and telling me that Im lucky to have found out his true nature now, rather than years down the road like she did. That kind of eased my tension. Then his emails started.
Actually the first email from him was waiting for me when I got home. To say it was hateful was an understatement. He actually told me I was trash. None of it actually bothered me. I know who I am, and I know what Im not. I fully expected a backlash from him, nobody likes getting caught. What I didnt expect was the mass of emails that he sent me, from work, all equally as hateful. In the second email he made a reference to his "friends" and how "they dont appreciate being used", and that's the only thing that actually made me upset. There's only one of his friends that I have contact with, and he's the type that if he felt used he'd say something. I just didnt understand what he was referring to, and why he'd drag other ppl into it. Upset was an understatement.
I was after emailing Fuckhead's friend (previously referenced as *guy*) asking him to clarify a "friends" comment in the first email, and after he replied I emailed him back about the used comment. It actually hurt for Fuckhead to even suggest something like that to me, especially after using me the way that he did. I didnt get a reply, for hours, and was freaking right out, but then *guy* came on IM from home on his lunch and apologized because he couldnt get into his email or something. I felt better. We talked. I asked him flat out if he felt I used him and he said no. He told me that although he didnt totally agree with what I had done, he could sort of see where I was coming from. He also told me that although he understands the why of Fuckhead breaking up with me, he didnt totally agree with the way he handled things afterwards (and he told me for the second time that if Fuckhead brought it up while they were out drinking, something was getting said). He told me that he thought I was a "right on"* person and that he was going to try and stay neutral over it. I assured him that I respected him too much to purposely drag him into the middle of things anyway. We talked a bit more, and I told him that I felt a lot better after having talked to him. Then he went back to work.
Now, long before this point, I was after taking Fuckhead's email address and adding it to my blocked senders list in my email. You can imagine the jolt I got when MSN popped up and told me that I had an email from him in my inbox. I refused to read anything he had to say, I was long since emailing him and telling him not to contact me, so I gave Corrine my email password and she went in and sent it to herself, and to Kelly G, and they read it and assured me it was just more garbage. What shook me is that this was a new email account he had just created for the purpose of emailing me to prove a point. He sent a second email from this address before I got a chance to block that one too. And I had forgotten to block him on MSN messenger before I deleted him from my contact list, so he sent me a nasty message too, before I blocked him.
I was more than a little nervous. So far this was four emails (that we know of, if he sent anymore they were blocked) from two different accounts, plus the IM, all pretty much accusing me of breaking up "his family". The content of the emails, made me fully aware that the guy is more than a little bit unstable. I was worried about how far he might take it. This is stuff you see about on the news. The last thing I needed was to be found murdered in a ditch somewhere. It might sound far fetched, but these days you really never know. KW sent him an email calling him down and telling him off, and he shot a nasty one back at her. Then after a few minutes KG sent him a more levelheaded email stating that its plain to see he used me and he manipulates people, and to stop acting psycho. He did actually, he emailed both the Kellys back apologizing to them, and telling them to apologize to me for all of the emails. He still insisted that I only told Baby Momma to be vindictive, proving he doesnt know me at all.
I didnt feel great the next day. Actually, I felt like crap. I was slightly nervous that he'd try and approach me at work or something, but by Friday I was past that. Im far from being all smug and gloaty over it, but Im proud of myself that I stood up and told the truth. We all have to lie in the beds that we make, and I prefer to have a clean conscience so that I can sleep at night. One of the things he said in his emails was that I was acting like I was in highschool, Im sorry but being an adult is about standing up and taking responsibility for your actions, something he has yet to do. He can blame me all he wants for what's going on right now, but when it boils down to it, he played with fire, and this time it burned him.
*Note that "right on" was also the phrase used to describe the girl he's currently kinda starting to see.
So, if you refer to my previous post, Fuckhead was after calling me behind Baby Momma's back pretending to be all up in there again and whatnot. In the days following him bein all "I cant do it, blah blah blah", it really bothered me that he would even go behind her back and call me and say the things that he said. Whether he actually meant it or not, or was just doing it out of jealousy towards his friend and I talking, was besides the point. He flat out went behind her back and told me that he wanted me over her. It honestly really bothered me that he could actually do that. I wasnt so much bothered that he used me, it was more that he would do that in general to people. Use people like that. Im too, ugh, moral of a person for that to even remotely sit well with me.
Im sure you can see where this is going.
I told her.
I wrote Baby Momma a big long heartfelt letter about what he had done, stressing that the last thing I wanted was vengeance. I wasnt doing it to be hateful, or vindictive. Im not like that, at all. I simply told her because what he did wasnt right, and I know if I were in her shoes (a guy going behind my back, oh I've been there), I would want someone to tell me. In fact, if someone had have told me at the time, it could have saved me years in a miserable relationship. But, its all water under the bridge now, back to the topic at hand. I did know that it would royally piss him off, me selling him out like that, but Im okay with burning bridges when the time is right. The last thing I wanted was for him to think I was just another passive little puppet that would swoon in another few weeks or months or whatever when he got tired of her and wanted a piece.
Now, dont think I did this immediately after he changed his mind. No, that happened on Saturday, then I hummed and hawed for a few days, and sent her the letter Tuesday night. I discussed it with multiple people prior to composition, and had it proofread by Corrine and KG before sending it off. I didnt actually feel good about doing it. I had a lot of anxiety over it during work the next day. When I got home and checked my email there was a reply from her thanking me for being honest about it, and telling me that Im lucky to have found out his true nature now, rather than years down the road like she did. That kind of eased my tension. Then his emails started.
Actually the first email from him was waiting for me when I got home. To say it was hateful was an understatement. He actually told me I was trash. None of it actually bothered me. I know who I am, and I know what Im not. I fully expected a backlash from him, nobody likes getting caught. What I didnt expect was the mass of emails that he sent me, from work, all equally as hateful. In the second email he made a reference to his "friends" and how "they dont appreciate being used", and that's the only thing that actually made me upset. There's only one of his friends that I have contact with, and he's the type that if he felt used he'd say something. I just didnt understand what he was referring to, and why he'd drag other ppl into it. Upset was an understatement.
I was after emailing Fuckhead's friend (previously referenced as *guy*) asking him to clarify a "friends" comment in the first email, and after he replied I emailed him back about the used comment. It actually hurt for Fuckhead to even suggest something like that to me, especially after using me the way that he did. I didnt get a reply, for hours, and was freaking right out, but then *guy* came on IM from home on his lunch and apologized because he couldnt get into his email or something. I felt better. We talked. I asked him flat out if he felt I used him and he said no. He told me that although he didnt totally agree with what I had done, he could sort of see where I was coming from. He also told me that although he understands the why of Fuckhead breaking up with me, he didnt totally agree with the way he handled things afterwards (and he told me for the second time that if Fuckhead brought it up while they were out drinking, something was getting said). He told me that he thought I was a "right on"* person and that he was going to try and stay neutral over it. I assured him that I respected him too much to purposely drag him into the middle of things anyway. We talked a bit more, and I told him that I felt a lot better after having talked to him. Then he went back to work.
Now, long before this point, I was after taking Fuckhead's email address and adding it to my blocked senders list in my email. You can imagine the jolt I got when MSN popped up and told me that I had an email from him in my inbox. I refused to read anything he had to say, I was long since emailing him and telling him not to contact me, so I gave Corrine my email password and she went in and sent it to herself, and to Kelly G, and they read it and assured me it was just more garbage. What shook me is that this was a new email account he had just created for the purpose of emailing me to prove a point. He sent a second email from this address before I got a chance to block that one too. And I had forgotten to block him on MSN messenger before I deleted him from my contact list, so he sent me a nasty message too, before I blocked him.
I was more than a little nervous. So far this was four emails (that we know of, if he sent anymore they were blocked) from two different accounts, plus the IM, all pretty much accusing me of breaking up "his family". The content of the emails, made me fully aware that the guy is more than a little bit unstable. I was worried about how far he might take it. This is stuff you see about on the news. The last thing I needed was to be found murdered in a ditch somewhere. It might sound far fetched, but these days you really never know. KW sent him an email calling him down and telling him off, and he shot a nasty one back at her. Then after a few minutes KG sent him a more levelheaded email stating that its plain to see he used me and he manipulates people, and to stop acting psycho. He did actually, he emailed both the Kellys back apologizing to them, and telling them to apologize to me for all of the emails. He still insisted that I only told Baby Momma to be vindictive, proving he doesnt know me at all.
I didnt feel great the next day. Actually, I felt like crap. I was slightly nervous that he'd try and approach me at work or something, but by Friday I was past that. Im far from being all smug and gloaty over it, but Im proud of myself that I stood up and told the truth. We all have to lie in the beds that we make, and I prefer to have a clean conscience so that I can sleep at night. One of the things he said in his emails was that I was acting like I was in highschool, Im sorry but being an adult is about standing up and taking responsibility for your actions, something he has yet to do. He can blame me all he wants for what's going on right now, but when it boils down to it, he played with fire, and this time it burned him.
*Note that "right on" was also the phrase used to describe the girl he's currently kinda starting to see.
{Sunday, January 21}
Oh, drama.
So, a couple of weeks ago, after I found out through sources that Frankie (my most recient ex) had gotten back with his baby momma, I emailed one of his friends to find out if he knew if there was anything going on behind my back, or whatever. I would have completely respected if he told me that he just didnt want to get involved, and I really didnt ask a whole lot of him, I never asked him to poke around for information and whatnot. I played it right. That was really the only conversation that we had about Frankie. We still talked, all the time, but we talked about random shit. I'll be honest, I'd hit this guy in a heartbeat. I think he's attractive, he's awesome to talk to, and he's a riot to drink with. He was one of the guys that we hung out last weekend, and the girls really wanted me to make a move. Obviously I didnt, and probably would have regretted it if I had, but things were cool. We talked all the next day and whatnot.
Anyway, cue Wednesday, and for some reason I decide to tell *guy* that my friends wanted me to hook up with him. Im not sure why I even brought it up to begin with, but both said that because of the whole "friend's ex" and "ex's friend" thing it would just be weird. What's funny, was as much as I want him, I wasnt let down at all when he said he couldnt hook up with a friend's ex, maybe because he didnt word it like he didnt like me like that, but because it was the other fella standing in the way. So we were still talkin about that when Frankie goes up to this guy's desk to talk and sees him on IM talking to me, and it was said what we were talking about it, and *guy* was getting a big kick out of it.
Frankie called me that night. He gave me all the "I still have feelings for you, blah blah blah" crap and I asked him flat out what he wanted. He said he wanted me. So, I had the choice of playing it out, or telling him to fuck off. Whether you think Im an idiot or not, I knew that I had to play it out, no matter what happened, to get the closure I needed. I asked him flat out if he wanted to try again, and he said that he did. So that was that. I asked Rin how she felt, because I needed to talk to her about it before I went to bed. I also asked *guy* if he thought I was retarded for considering going back with fuckface, since he knew fuckface better than my girlfriends. He told me no, he didnt think I was retarded for it.
Thursday, after my training class, I went up to visit Frankie at his desk like he asked me to, and things were fine. That night he left early from work because he was sick and called me and talked to me for hours, and it was like it used to be. Mind you, I still wasnt putting both feet forward, but I was letting it play out because I needed it. He asked me to go out and play pool with him on Saturday. I told him yes, on one condition, that he told her, because I wasnt going to sneak around. Friday came, and I went to visit him after training again, and when I was leaving he told me to email him that night. I emailed him, and four hours later there was no response. I emailed him a second time, and still got no response. All the while, I kept thinking, if I were to email *guy* he'd respond in a few minutes. I started to second guess myself and wonder if this was what I wanted at all. Because, at this point, I know that I like *guy* a lot more.
Saturday rolls around, and I get a phone call from Frankie about half past one in the afternoon. Its pretty much the same phone call I got from him on New Year's Eve. To tell you the truth, I wasnt all that surprised, but I did get upset with him on the phone that he could build me up again like that just to do the same thing. Why bother in the first place? Rin wasnt online, so I message the Kellys with the news. I also messaged *guy* to tell him, because I was already after asking him if he thought Frankie was sincere, or just doing it because he found out that *guy* and I talked on IM. We had a big ole conversation about how, putting it in perspective, the only reason I got the phone call on Wednesday night was because Frankie didnt like the idea of me moving past him, and he was threatened by this friend talking to me. It wasnt at all about Frankie wanting me back, but just keeping me from being available to anybody else.
So Im done with Frankie. Its been played out, and Im finished completely and can now walk away with no real regrets. I have decided that his performance this week was pathetic and childish, and he's not worth holding myself back from being with anybody because of him. Ex's friend or not, I would so hook up with *guy* in a heartbeat. And something he said yesterday struck me, Wednesday he said he couldnt go with a friend's ex, but then yesterday he said that Frankie was only kinda a friend "more like a work buddy". The Kellys think that means he's putting feelers out there, but Im just as contented to move along as we're going. He's a great guy, and Im glad that I can at least say that his friendship was the one good thing to come out of this mess.
Anyway, cue Wednesday, and for some reason I decide to tell *guy* that my friends wanted me to hook up with him. Im not sure why I even brought it up to begin with, but both said that because of the whole "friend's ex" and "ex's friend" thing it would just be weird. What's funny, was as much as I want him, I wasnt let down at all when he said he couldnt hook up with a friend's ex, maybe because he didnt word it like he didnt like me like that, but because it was the other fella standing in the way. So we were still talkin about that when Frankie goes up to this guy's desk to talk and sees him on IM talking to me, and it was said what we were talking about it, and *guy* was getting a big kick out of it.
Frankie called me that night. He gave me all the "I still have feelings for you, blah blah blah" crap and I asked him flat out what he wanted. He said he wanted me. So, I had the choice of playing it out, or telling him to fuck off. Whether you think Im an idiot or not, I knew that I had to play it out, no matter what happened, to get the closure I needed. I asked him flat out if he wanted to try again, and he said that he did. So that was that. I asked Rin how she felt, because I needed to talk to her about it before I went to bed. I also asked *guy* if he thought I was retarded for considering going back with fuckface, since he knew fuckface better than my girlfriends. He told me no, he didnt think I was retarded for it.
Thursday, after my training class, I went up to visit Frankie at his desk like he asked me to, and things were fine. That night he left early from work because he was sick and called me and talked to me for hours, and it was like it used to be. Mind you, I still wasnt putting both feet forward, but I was letting it play out because I needed it. He asked me to go out and play pool with him on Saturday. I told him yes, on one condition, that he told her, because I wasnt going to sneak around. Friday came, and I went to visit him after training again, and when I was leaving he told me to email him that night. I emailed him, and four hours later there was no response. I emailed him a second time, and still got no response. All the while, I kept thinking, if I were to email *guy* he'd respond in a few minutes. I started to second guess myself and wonder if this was what I wanted at all. Because, at this point, I know that I like *guy* a lot more.
Saturday rolls around, and I get a phone call from Frankie about half past one in the afternoon. Its pretty much the same phone call I got from him on New Year's Eve. To tell you the truth, I wasnt all that surprised, but I did get upset with him on the phone that he could build me up again like that just to do the same thing. Why bother in the first place? Rin wasnt online, so I message the Kellys with the news. I also messaged *guy* to tell him, because I was already after asking him if he thought Frankie was sincere, or just doing it because he found out that *guy* and I talked on IM. We had a big ole conversation about how, putting it in perspective, the only reason I got the phone call on Wednesday night was because Frankie didnt like the idea of me moving past him, and he was threatened by this friend talking to me. It wasnt at all about Frankie wanting me back, but just keeping me from being available to anybody else.
So Im done with Frankie. Its been played out, and Im finished completely and can now walk away with no real regrets. I have decided that his performance this week was pathetic and childish, and he's not worth holding myself back from being with anybody because of him. Ex's friend or not, I would so hook up with *guy* in a heartbeat. And something he said yesterday struck me, Wednesday he said he couldnt go with a friend's ex, but then yesterday he said that Frankie was only kinda a friend "more like a work buddy". The Kellys think that means he's putting feelers out there, but Im just as contented to move along as we're going. He's a great guy, and Im glad that I can at least say that his friendship was the one good thing to come out of this mess.
Another day, another song.
Plain White T's - Hate (I Really Dont Like You)
love love love love love love
you were everything i wanted
you were everything a girl could be
then you left me broken hearted
now you dont mean a thing to me
all i wanted was your love love love love love love
hate is a strong word but i really really really dont like you
now thats its over i dont even know what i liked about you
brought you around and you just brought me down
hate is a strong word but i really really really dont like you
i really dont like you
thought that everything was perfect
isnt that how its suppose to be
thought you thought i was worth it
now i think a little differently
all i wanted was your love love love love love love
hate is a strong word but i really really really dont like you
(i really dont like you)
now thats its over i dont even know what i liked about you
(liked about you)
brought you around and you just brought me down
hate is a strong word but i really really really dont like you
now that its over you cant hurt me
now that its over you cant bring me down
oh x 12
all i wanted was your love love love love love
(hate)
hate is a strong word but i really really really dont like you
(i really dont like you)
now thats its over i dont even know what i liked about you
(liked about you)
brought you around and you just brought me down (hate)
hate is a strong word but i really really really dont like you
oh x 24
i really dont like you x 3
{Friday, January 19}
Plain White T's - A Lonely September
I'm sittin' here all by myself
just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
'cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
to leave the rest of the world behind
Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back/but I know you did
I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
that you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
and the more I want you here with me
You know the holidays are coming up
I don't want to spend them alone
Memories of Christmas time with you
will just kill me if I'm on my own, oh
Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
I know it's not the smartest thing to do
we just can't seem to get it right
But what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight (one more chance tonight)
I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone it's not gettin' me very far
I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you
Oh please, baby won't you take my hand
we've got nothing left to prove
Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did
And I didn't mean to meet you then we were just kids
And I didn't mean to give you chills the way that I kiss
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back but I know you did
Don't say you didn't love me back 'cause you know you did
No, you didn't mean to love me back
But you did
{Thursday, January 18}
meh
It only takes one phone call for things to be turned on their head again.
{Tuesday, January 16}
guh.
I hate the snow. I specifically hate to drive when there's snow on the road. I think hate, probably isnt even describing it all that well. I get such bad anxiety over it I shake. Any little shift in the car and I have a panic attack. Its not good, trust me. So this morning I get up and get ready to leave by 6am for work at 7am. I confirmed with Kelly that I was picking her up and pulled out of my driveway at 6:20am. Normally it only takes me ten minutes to get to Kelly's, but with the snow on the road, and having to account for the shitty ass tires on my car it actually took me twenty minutes from the time I pulled out of the driveway. Now, I know I could have easily gotten away with taking my brother's car because his at least has winter tires on it, but I have to teach myself how to handle the big car in the snow, since its my first winter with it. It still burns me that there were four studded winter tires on my Sunfire when it got smashed in April, and now there's no way that I can afford to put studded ones on this car. Sigh, I'll just have to account for it and drive super slow and super careful. I have no choice but to go in, its work, I have to be there, I just wish I didnt have to drive a distance in the weather to get there.
It made me feel all fuzzy inside though, when a girl in my training class came back in from having a smoke and told me that my brother was asking if I had made it in on time because he knows how I get when I have to drive in snow. There's nothing like knowing that people are thinking of you when you're doing something that's really frightening. I feel so loved.
It made me feel all fuzzy inside though, when a girl in my training class came back in from having a smoke and told me that my brother was asking if I had made it in on time because he knows how I get when I have to drive in snow. There's nothing like knowing that people are thinking of you when you're doing something that's really frightening. I feel so loved.
{Monday, January 15}
ughhhh
Men are really fucking confusing. And no, this is a different guy than the shitface who dumped me New Year's Eve.
{Sunday, January 14}
Four coolers, two Alabama Slammers, two tequila shots, and some weed. I was fucked up proper.
So its perfectly safe to say that Im over him. I might still be a little bitter over the miserable way he handled things, but I am over him.
Last night was fun. I feel somewhat smug about it because yeah, I went out with my girls, but we met up with his friends at the pool hall and we hung out with his friends. I got high with his friends. And one of his friends didnt even have any idea that we were broken up. I had no problem telling the story, I have nothing to hide. Plus, his friends are cool, and I liked hanging out with them anyway.
I think Im still half out of it. More later.
Last night was fun. I feel somewhat smug about it because yeah, I went out with my girls, but we met up with his friends at the pool hall and we hung out with his friends. I got high with his friends. And one of his friends didnt even have any idea that we were broken up. I had no problem telling the story, I have nothing to hide. Plus, his friends are cool, and I liked hanging out with them anyway.
I think Im still half out of it. More later.
{Sunday, January 7}
I hate drama, I really hate drama.
So I was sitting here before and MSN messenger told me I had an email from Hi5. I checked the email and it said that his "Psycho Ex" (or whatever she is now) had left me a message. Automatically I assume the worse and figure its going to just be something hurtful. I cant deal with anything like that at this point, so I give Kelly (who was the only person I happened to be talking to at the time) my username and password to log in and read it first to soften the blow. Here's what she sent me:
hiThe fuck? Talk about throwing me for a loop. That was totally not the type of message I expected to get from her. Not the way he made her out to be. I dont like drama and this just keeps getting stranger and stranger. Thank fuck for friends to get me through this.
i noticed that you were looking at my profile. i'm truly am sorry that you got hurt. although it really wasn't anything to do with me. but if you can understand how badly hurt i have been. i have known frankie for a long time. I feel really bad that you feel he used you and that he lied to you. i have had a few lies told to me as well. but we have a beautiful little boy together and i guess we see that no matter how badly that we hurt each other that he comes first. I don't even really know why i am writing this to you. i just have read your profile and it seems we have alot in common. i always put others first and get hurt. which is why i feel so bad that frankie hurt you. don't take it personally and don't say you're not worth it. frankie is a pretty persuasive person.
anyways i don't know what else to say. i just feel bad
{Saturday, January 6}
And its over.
I got the closure I need but not the way I wanted. Asshole. At least I can say that I wasnt the only one played. Anyone who ever saw him with me was blown away.
Life does imitate art sometimes.
Oh my goodness, I am Meredith Grey.*
*If you're an avid Grey's Anatomy follower like myself, Rin, and Kim, you'll totally get that.
*If you're an avid Grey's Anatomy follower like myself, Rin, and Kim, you'll totally get that.
{Thursday, January 4}
And the saga continues.
What I neglected to mention in my last post is that I had seen him across the building standing around talking like he was fine and I got so upset that I was after spending half an hour shaking and crying before I decided that I needed to leave, and I went to my supervisor and he did up the paperwork for me to leave early. This prompted Kelly G to go right up to Frankie and tell him that he needed to talk to me because I was barely functioning at that point.
So he comes online and messages me and continues to tell me that he cant be with anybody, that he's not worthy enough for me, blah blah blah. Then goes offline before I can get out everything I wanted to say. Dont worry, I wrote the email of all emails. The thing took me like two and a half hours to compose, and huge and full of emotion. I sent it, and went out, and then came home and posted and went to bed.
This morning I woke up shaking at like half past six, which lead to crying like the past few mornings. I did have to run to the bathroom once today to cry, and it bothered me that he was sitting with Pat directly down my aisle on the other side of the building, right where I could see him if we were both standing up. Then he comes online and messages me. I tell Kelly to wheel her chair over because I couldnt sit there and read it alone. (This is where it gets good.)
He had gotten my email.
I wasnt upset at all when he said that (surprise) he wasnt past his ex, and that's why he had to break up with me. I was sitting, at my desk thinking how I was so not going to let him tell me this shit online at work of all places. I (get this) get up out of my desk, march down to where he was sitting, sit down behind him and say "To my face.". He didnt see or hear me coming until I actually spoke to him, and to say he was jarred is somewhat of an understatement. I know he didnt want to talk to me face to face, I know he didnt want to deal with me like that, but I didnt care. I had questions I wanted answered and I wanted him to answer them to my face. (I have no idea when I actually got this brazen, its totally out of character for me). I asked him flat out whether he was back with her (no). Whether he was trying to get back with her (no). Whether he was wishing he was with her while he was with me (an even stronger no). He actually got offended when I suggested I was a rebound. What the fuck else am I supposed to think. He sat there and told me that he loved me and he cares a lot about me, and he doesnt know what he wants. Um, hi, couldnt you have decided that three months ago? (I didnt say that out loud).
So we had our conversation and I know that he did not want to have it in person with me, and I really wasnt finished with him when I got up and went back to my desk. Even when I was back at my desk and online he stressed that he didnt want to talk about any of it at work. I get that, but where the fuck else am I going to see/talk to him? Ugh. Anyway, he told me that he'd no longer block me on messenger, and he hasnt, despite not wanting to talk to me. He even admitted that it was hard to talk to me. Its somewhat satisfying to know that I have that kind of an impact. It kind of made the hell I went though the past few days worth while. I got it out of my system, while he's still trying to avoid it. I'll give him the "not at work" thing though, I dont want to have to do it at work either (although I've been completely useless at work this week, and even my supervisor and the Quality Assurance guy was checking up on me to make sure Im okay). Plus, he's having to actually take calls, and Im sure he's gotta be macho about it in front of his co-workers.
Nonetheless, Im still confused as to where it sits now. He obviously cares somewhat about me or he wouldnt have gotten so upset. He told me that he had even thought about leaving early (and I gather it was the email that fucked him up so much). He even took offense to the "getting the shaft" comment I had on my messenger nick tonight and told me that I was indeed not getting the shaft. But Im past the pleading for him to change his mind stage. He can have some time to deal with his shit, he's no good to me now anyway with the state he's in. Honestly, if he looks things over and decides to go back to her, after her being emotionally and physically abusive THEN keeping him from seeing his son for like four months, then he almost deserves whatever he gets. Im not going to sit here and hold my breath, but like I've been saying to everybody if the worst thing he's done to me is break up with me like he did, he still hasnt earned my hatred. Just simply dumping me like that doesnt even hold a candle to the shit I put up with from Phil when I was with him. So yeah, I'd debate taking him back. For now though I have a long roadtrip ahead of me tomorrow, and Im going out on Saturday night. I have no intentions of messaging him until at least Wednesday, and that'll only be to find out if his son liked the toy he bought him. I cried enough tears, and I've talked everyone's ear off about it enough. Im not back up to par yet, but I can say that Im okay. To be perfectly honest, I kind of feel bad for him at this point. I dont want to say I think he's pitiful, but its a pretty damn good way of describing it. Meanwhile, I still know my own self worth.
I still have no appetite back, and I'll tell you a secret: I dont miss it. I still eat. I had some cherry tomatoes this morning, and a grapefruit tonight. Plus all the chocolate milk and juice. I just cant sit down and eat an actual meal. I dont even get hunger pains. Corrine was right, the best diet is getting dumped.
So he comes online and messages me and continues to tell me that he cant be with anybody, that he's not worthy enough for me, blah blah blah. Then goes offline before I can get out everything I wanted to say. Dont worry, I wrote the email of all emails. The thing took me like two and a half hours to compose, and huge and full of emotion. I sent it, and went out, and then came home and posted and went to bed.
This morning I woke up shaking at like half past six, which lead to crying like the past few mornings. I did have to run to the bathroom once today to cry, and it bothered me that he was sitting with Pat directly down my aisle on the other side of the building, right where I could see him if we were both standing up. Then he comes online and messages me. I tell Kelly to wheel her chair over because I couldnt sit there and read it alone. (This is where it gets good.)
He had gotten my email.
I wasnt upset at all when he said that (surprise) he wasnt past his ex, and that's why he had to break up with me. I was sitting, at my desk thinking how I was so not going to let him tell me this shit online at work of all places. I (get this) get up out of my desk, march down to where he was sitting, sit down behind him and say "To my face.". He didnt see or hear me coming until I actually spoke to him, and to say he was jarred is somewhat of an understatement. I know he didnt want to talk to me face to face, I know he didnt want to deal with me like that, but I didnt care. I had questions I wanted answered and I wanted him to answer them to my face. (I have no idea when I actually got this brazen, its totally out of character for me). I asked him flat out whether he was back with her (no). Whether he was trying to get back with her (no). Whether he was wishing he was with her while he was with me (an even stronger no). He actually got offended when I suggested I was a rebound. What the fuck else am I supposed to think. He sat there and told me that he loved me and he cares a lot about me, and he doesnt know what he wants. Um, hi, couldnt you have decided that three months ago? (I didnt say that out loud).
So we had our conversation and I know that he did not want to have it in person with me, and I really wasnt finished with him when I got up and went back to my desk. Even when I was back at my desk and online he stressed that he didnt want to talk about any of it at work. I get that, but where the fuck else am I going to see/talk to him? Ugh. Anyway, he told me that he'd no longer block me on messenger, and he hasnt, despite not wanting to talk to me. He even admitted that it was hard to talk to me. Its somewhat satisfying to know that I have that kind of an impact. It kind of made the hell I went though the past few days worth while. I got it out of my system, while he's still trying to avoid it. I'll give him the "not at work" thing though, I dont want to have to do it at work either (although I've been completely useless at work this week, and even my supervisor and the Quality Assurance guy was checking up on me to make sure Im okay). Plus, he's having to actually take calls, and Im sure he's gotta be macho about it in front of his co-workers.
Nonetheless, Im still confused as to where it sits now. He obviously cares somewhat about me or he wouldnt have gotten so upset. He told me that he had even thought about leaving early (and I gather it was the email that fucked him up so much). He even took offense to the "getting the shaft" comment I had on my messenger nick tonight and told me that I was indeed not getting the shaft. But Im past the pleading for him to change his mind stage. He can have some time to deal with his shit, he's no good to me now anyway with the state he's in. Honestly, if he looks things over and decides to go back to her, after her being emotionally and physically abusive THEN keeping him from seeing his son for like four months, then he almost deserves whatever he gets. Im not going to sit here and hold my breath, but like I've been saying to everybody if the worst thing he's done to me is break up with me like he did, he still hasnt earned my hatred. Just simply dumping me like that doesnt even hold a candle to the shit I put up with from Phil when I was with him. So yeah, I'd debate taking him back. For now though I have a long roadtrip ahead of me tomorrow, and Im going out on Saturday night. I have no intentions of messaging him until at least Wednesday, and that'll only be to find out if his son liked the toy he bought him. I cried enough tears, and I've talked everyone's ear off about it enough. Im not back up to par yet, but I can say that Im okay. To be perfectly honest, I kind of feel bad for him at this point. I dont want to say I think he's pitiful, but its a pretty damn good way of describing it. Meanwhile, I still know my own self worth.
I still have no appetite back, and I'll tell you a secret: I dont miss it. I still eat. I had some cherry tomatoes this morning, and a grapefruit tonight. Plus all the chocolate milk and juice. I just cant sit down and eat an actual meal. I dont even get hunger pains. Corrine was right, the best diet is getting dumped.
{Wednesday, January 3}
*sigh*
Im sad. I finally talked to him and he broke up with me because he feels he's not good enough for me? No, I dont get it either, and as much as I tried to convince him otherwise, he's too stubborn and depressed to realize the difference. I dont think Im sad so much as we're broken up, but that he's not willing to see it the way it really is. Im frusterated with him over it, and most of all Im hurt. I wont ever get over him, and I'll always want to be with him. No other guy will ever compare to him in any aspect, ever. It will always only be him. I know he wants me to hate him, but he hasnt earned my hatred. I just cant take him off of the pedestal that I have him on, and I wish he'd open up his eyes and realize. But, for now, I deal.
Oh, and Rin took me out tonight and I actually ate a meal, first one since Sunday. I should be good till next weekend now. (Im joking about that ...maybe)
Oh, and Rin took me out tonight and I actually ate a meal, first one since Sunday. I should be good till next weekend now. (Im joking about that ...maybe)
I dont have the coping skills to deal with this.
I can deal with the not eating. I get like that anyway when Im depressed or upset. Its the waking up in the middle of the night shaking and crying thats starting to get to me. I've never been someone who doesnt sleep, and even though I dont seem to be tired throughout the day yet, I just wish I could lay down and know that Im not going to stir until my alarm goes off. I still cant pretend to be social, but being alone is the worst part.
{Tuesday, January 2}
Some days you just wish you didnt wake up.
I went over thirty-six hours without food. I ate at about half past six on Saturday evening, and had nothing else but one glass of chocolate milk until nine this morning. I know its not healthy, but I was in such a state that I wasnt the least bit hungry, and the thought of actually eating something made me feel ill. I had some more chocolate milk and some strawberries this morning, and a grapefruit this evening and that's enough for today. Im not a comfort eater.
{Monday, January 1}
I had been warned that 25 would be the worst year of my life..
I've been awake twenty-one hours and counting. I dont want to sleep. Once I lay down and close my eyes Im going to start thinking about it, and thinking about it will only bring the tears back. I want it back. I want it all back. I've never felt so desperate and pathetic in all of my life. I make fun of people like this, and here I am, one of them.
Corrine rescued me for a little while, but I just couldnt stay sitting on her couch crying so I came home. When I came in my father started talking to me and I realized that I just couldnt be at home yet so I took the car and went up to Kim's where she and Janice were waiting. I was still so detached from what was going on that the New Year didnt mean all that much. I left shortly after that and came home. I know everybody cares about me and means well, but right now Im too raw to be social.
When I came home Molly came downstairs with me and has been laying on her bed over in the corner the entire time I've been sitting in bed watching episodes of Dexter that I have downloaded. She's not a cuddly dog, but knowing she's in the room, hearing her snoring is comforting nonetheless. Like, even when Im alone there's someone looking out for me.
I want to wake up tomorrow and for it all to be what it was. I want it back.
Corrine rescued me for a little while, but I just couldnt stay sitting on her couch crying so I came home. When I came in my father started talking to me and I realized that I just couldnt be at home yet so I took the car and went up to Kim's where she and Janice were waiting. I was still so detached from what was going on that the New Year didnt mean all that much. I left shortly after that and came home. I know everybody cares about me and means well, but right now Im too raw to be social.
When I came home Molly came downstairs with me and has been laying on her bed over in the corner the entire time I've been sitting in bed watching episodes of Dexter that I have downloaded. She's not a cuddly dog, but knowing she's in the room, hearing her snoring is comforting nonetheless. Like, even when Im alone there's someone looking out for me.
I want to wake up tomorrow and for it all to be what it was. I want it back.
Its not okay. It will not be okay.
What do you do when your life is completely falling apart at the seams?
I dont want to be depressed like this. I dont have the coping skills to handle this kind of hurt. I just dont know how I can live through this.
I dont want to be depressed like this. I dont have the coping skills to handle this kind of hurt. I just dont know how I can live through this.
