What I neglected to mention in my last post is that I had seen him across the building standing around talking like he was fine and I got so upset that I was after spending half an hour shaking and crying before I decided that I needed to leave, and I went to my supervisor and he did up the paperwork for me to leave early. This prompted Kelly G to go right up to Frankie and tell him that he needed to talk to me because I was barely functioning at that point.
So he comes online and messages me and continues to tell me that he cant be with anybody, that he's not worthy enough for me, blah blah blah. Then goes offline before I can get out everything I wanted to say. Dont worry, I wrote the email of all emails. The thing took me like two and a half hours to compose, and huge and full of emotion. I sent it, and went out, and then came home and posted and went to bed.
This morning I woke up shaking at like half past six, which lead to crying like the past few mornings. I did have to run to the bathroom once today to cry, and it bothered me that he was sitting with Pat directly down my aisle on the other side of the building, right where I could see him if we were both standing up. Then he comes online and messages me. I tell Kelly to wheel her chair over because I couldnt sit there and read it alone. (This is where it gets good.)
He had gotten my email.
I wasnt upset at all when he said that (surprise) he wasnt past his ex, and that's why he had to break up with me. I was sitting, at my desk thinking how I was so not going to let him tell me this shit online at work of all places. I (get this) get up out of my desk, march down to where he was sitting, sit down behind him and say "To my face.". He didnt see or hear me coming until I actually spoke to him, and to say he was jarred is somewhat of an understatement. I know he didnt want to talk to me face to face, I know he didnt want to deal with me like that, but I didnt care. I had questions I wanted answered and I wanted him to answer them to my face. (I have no idea when I actually got this brazen, its totally out of character for me). I asked him flat out whether he was back with her (no). Whether he was trying to get back with her (no). Whether he was wishing he was with her while he was with me (an even stronger no). He actually got offended when I suggested I was a rebound. What the fuck else am I supposed to think. He sat there and told me that he loved me and he cares a lot about me, and he doesnt know what he wants. Um, hi, couldnt you have decided that three months ago? (I didnt say that out loud).
So we had our conversation and I know that he did not want to have it in person with me, and I really wasnt finished with him when I got up and went back to my desk. Even when I was back at my desk and online he stressed that he didnt want to talk about any of it at work. I get that, but where the fuck else am I going to see/talk to him? Ugh. Anyway, he told me that he'd no longer block me on messenger, and he hasnt, despite not wanting to talk to me. He even admitted that it was hard to talk to me. Its somewhat satisfying to know that I have that kind of an impact. It kind of made the hell I went though the past few days worth while. I got it out of my system, while he's still trying to avoid it. I'll give him the "not at work" thing though, I dont want to have to do it at work either (although I've been completely useless at work this week, and even my supervisor and the Quality Assurance guy was checking up on me to make sure Im okay). Plus, he's having to actually take calls, and Im sure he's gotta be macho about it in front of his co-workers.
Nonetheless, Im still confused as to where it sits now. He obviously cares somewhat about me or he wouldnt have gotten so upset. He told me that he had even thought about leaving early (and I gather it was the email that fucked him up so much). He even took offense to the "getting the shaft" comment I had on my messenger nick tonight and told me that I was indeed not getting the shaft. But Im past the pleading for him to change his mind stage. He can have some time to deal with his shit, he's no good to me now anyway with the state he's in. Honestly, if he looks things over and decides to go back to her, after her being emotionally and physically abusive THEN keeping him from seeing his son for like four months, then he almost deserves whatever he gets. Im not going to sit here and hold my breath, but like I've been saying to everybody if the worst thing he's done to me is break up with me like he did, he still hasnt earned my hatred. Just simply dumping me like that doesnt even hold a candle to the shit I put up with from Phil when I was with him. So yeah, I'd debate taking him back. For now though I have a long roadtrip ahead of me tomorrow, and Im going out on Saturday night. I have no intentions of messaging him until at least Wednesday, and that'll only be to find out if his son liked the toy he bought him. I cried enough tears, and I've talked everyone's ear off about it enough. Im not back up to par yet, but I can say that Im okay. To be perfectly honest, I kind of feel bad for him at this point. I dont want to say I think he's pitiful, but its a pretty damn good way of describing it. Meanwhile, I still know my own self worth.
I still have no appetite back, and I'll tell you a secret: I dont miss it. I still eat. I had some cherry tomatoes this morning, and a grapefruit tonight. Plus all the chocolate milk and juice. I just cant sit down and eat an actual meal. I dont even get hunger pains. Corrine was right, the best diet is getting dumped.
{Thursday, January 4}
And the saga continues.
