So... Im not dead. Despite having a story to post, I just really havent been in the mood. Nonetheless, like I said, I do have a story.

So, if you refer to my previous post, Fuckhead was after calling me behind Baby Momma's back pretending to be all up in there again and whatnot. In the days following him bein all "I cant do it, blah blah blah", it really bothered me that he would even go behind her back and call me and say the things that he said. Whether he actually meant it or not, or was just doing it out of jealousy towards his friend and I talking, was besides the point. He flat out went behind her back and told me that he wanted me over her. It honestly really bothered me that he could actually do that. I wasnt so much bothered that he used me, it was more that he would do that in general to people. Use people like that. Im too, ugh, moral of a person for that to even remotely sit well with me.

Im sure you can see where this is going.

I told her.

I wrote Baby Momma a big long heartfelt letter about what he had done, stressing that the last thing I wanted was vengeance. I wasnt doing it to be hateful, or vindictive. Im not like that, at all. I simply told her because what he did wasnt right, and I know if I were in her shoes (a guy going behind my back, oh I've been there), I would want someone to tell me. In fact, if someone had have told me at the time, it could have saved me years in a miserable relationship. But, its all water under the bridge now, back to the topic at hand. I did know that it would royally piss him off, me selling him out like that, but Im okay with burning bridges when the time is right. The last thing I wanted was for him to think I was just another passive little puppet that would swoon in another few weeks or months or whatever when he got tired of her and wanted a piece.

Now, dont think I did this immediately after he changed his mind. No, that happened on Saturday, then I hummed and hawed for a few days, and sent her the letter Tuesday night. I discussed it with multiple people prior to composition, and had it proofread by Corrine and KG before sending it off. I didnt actually feel good about doing it. I had a lot of anxiety over it during work the next day. When I got home and checked my email there was a reply from her thanking me for being honest about it, and telling me that Im lucky to have found out his true nature now, rather than years down the road like she did. That kind of eased my tension. Then his emails started.

Actually the first email from him was waiting for me when I got home. To say it was hateful was an understatement. He actually told me I was trash. None of it actually bothered me. I know who I am, and I know what Im not. I fully expected a backlash from him, nobody likes getting caught. What I didnt expect was the mass of emails that he sent me, from work, all equally as hateful. In the second email he made a reference to his "friends" and how "they dont appreciate being used", and that's the only thing that actually made me upset. There's only one of his friends that I have contact with, and he's the type that if he felt used he'd say something. I just didnt understand what he was referring to, and why he'd drag other ppl into it. Upset was an understatement.

I was after emailing Fuckhead's friend (previously referenced as *guy*) asking him to clarify a "friends" comment in the first email, and after he replied I emailed him back about the used comment. It actually hurt for Fuckhead to even suggest something like that to me, especially after using me the way that he did. I didnt get a reply, for hours, and was freaking right out, but then *guy* came on IM from home on his lunch and apologized because he couldnt get into his email or something. I felt better. We talked. I asked him flat out if he felt I used him and he said no. He told me that although he didnt totally agree with what I had done, he could sort of see where I was coming from. He also told me that although he understands the why of Fuckhead breaking up with me, he didnt totally agree with the way he handled things afterwards (and he told me for the second time that if Fuckhead brought it up while they were out drinking, something was getting said). He told me that he thought I was a "right on"* person and that he was going to try and stay neutral over it. I assured him that I respected him too much to purposely drag him into the middle of things anyway. We talked a bit more, and I told him that I felt a lot better after having talked to him. Then he went back to work.

Now, long before this point, I was after taking Fuckhead's email address and adding it to my blocked senders list in my email. You can imagine the jolt I got when MSN popped up and told me that I had an email from him in my inbox. I refused to read anything he had to say, I was long since emailing him and telling him not to contact me, so I gave Corrine my email password and she went in and sent it to herself, and to Kelly G, and they read it and assured me it was just more garbage. What shook me is that this was a new email account he had just created for the purpose of emailing me to prove a point. He sent a second email from this address before I got a chance to block that one too. And I had forgotten to block him on MSN messenger before I deleted him from my contact list, so he sent me a nasty message too, before I blocked him.

I was more than a little nervous. So far this was four emails (that we know of, if he sent anymore they were blocked) from two different accounts, plus the IM, all pretty much accusing me of breaking up "his family". The content of the emails, made me fully aware that the guy is more than a little bit unstable. I was worried about how far he might take it. This is stuff you see about on the news. The last thing I needed was to be found murdered in a ditch somewhere. It might sound far fetched, but these days you really never know. KW sent him an email calling him down and telling him off, and he shot a nasty one back at her. Then after a few minutes KG sent him a more levelheaded email stating that its plain to see he used me and he manipulates people, and to stop acting psycho. He did actually, he emailed both the Kellys back apologizing to them, and telling them to apologize to me for all of the emails. He still insisted that I only told Baby Momma to be vindictive, proving he doesnt know me at all.

I didnt feel great the next day. Actually, I felt like crap. I was slightly nervous that he'd try and approach me at work or something, but by Friday I was past that. Im far from being all smug and gloaty over it, but Im proud of myself that I stood up and told the truth. We all have to lie in the beds that we make, and I prefer to have a clean conscience so that I can sleep at night. One of the things he said in his emails was that I was acting like I was in highschool, Im sorry but being an adult is about standing up and taking responsibility for your actions, something he has yet to do. He can blame me all he wants for what's going on right now, but when it boils down to it, he played with fire, and this time it burned him.


*Note that "right on" was also the phrase used to describe the girl he's currently kinda starting to see.

1 Comments:

 Christophe said...

So what have we learned?

Work, it's alright for a drunken fumble but anything else gets messy pretty damn quick.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007 8:23:00 a.m.  

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