I may not have internet at home the next few days. I am okay with this right now because I have internet at work (obviously), and I'll be staying at Corrine's for five days next week and will have internet there. We'll see how things go once I actually get home and am faced with no internet, but it will give me an excuse to have my room ready for the company that's coming on Saturday.

Wish me luck.

We are mean, horrible, evil people and I love it.

I dont feel like writing about Halifax at the moment, maybe later.

Saturday I move in with Corrine for five days. We totally need to stay up late in our jammies eating junk food and talking about boys.

I cant even begin to describe how much fun I had tonight. I ate enough food throughout the night that I couldnt breate, and I laughed enough so that I couldnt talk. Im glad we didnt add alcohol to the mix, just think how dangerous that would have been.

We still need a Herman's night though.

I've discussed it with several people, and I think I've come to the conclusion that I dont think I want to be in a relationship. I want to date, yes, but I dont want to commit to something. Im not ready for that yet. I think Janice said it perfectly when she said "You only just got your life back, you dont want to give that up". The thought of being in a committed relationship again makes me feel claustrophobic. I dont want to be tied down to someone. It goes beyond not being ready, I simply dont feel like I've lived enough to settle.

So what does that mean for The Boy and I? I have no idea. Once he's home again in a couple of weeks I'll feel things out and go from there. I like him, dont get me wrong, and I would like to date him, but I can only go so far with that. (You all know I dont mean physically). If he is aiming toward the L-bomb, I would probably have no choice but to back away. I dont want to have to do that, but its not fair to him if I cant give him what he wants now is it? The L-bomb is too heavy of a word to be tossed around. Too many people are infatuated with someone and call it love. It irks me, it really does. In my head, when you "love" someone it means that you want them around for the rest of your life, and that definition applies to romantic, and non-romantic relationships. I seriously dont want a guy to tell me he loves me unless he's putting a ring on my finger, or Im carrying his child. Frig, at this point I really dont want to even be infatuated with someone. I want someone to go on dates, and hang out, and have sex with. All that requires is a physical attraction, and to like the person. That's all I need. I dont want to be a part of his family and I dont want someone to take home to my mother.

I am not going to bring any of this up to The Boy until he's back on this island. It wouldnt be fair to spring this on him while he's away only to make him worry. I need to use these couple of weeks to feel myself out and figure out what I really want.

So Rin and I were discussing relationships this evening, and more specifically, the ones that we are in. She asked me what I'd do if The Boy dropped the L-bomb on me, and do you want to know my honest-to-goodness gut reaction? Run. Im not ready for that kind of commitment. I dont want to be one of those people who jump from one committed long term relationshp to another committed long term relationship.

Is this bad?

Everybody, at some point in their lives, wants something, you know, fancy. It doesnt matter what it is, I can safely say that we've all felt this at some point. In my case, its a designer handbag. I would love to own a Louis Vuitton bag, but everybody and their dog seems to have one so I decided to put that off. Maybe I'll ask for one for Christmas. In the meantime, meet Felicity. Isnt it adorable? I've got one on the way :)

Oh, and see George with blue hair. Mmmm...

Out of bed after four hours of sleep. Work for four hours, and then to the movies to see The DaVinci Code. I was disappointed with the movie, even after hearing both Angela and Kim liking it. The first half I was fine with, they hadnt changed it too much, but the second half I was sitting there all like "What the fuck?!". They didnt even give Silus red eyes like he was supposed to have. Boo. Now my brother wants to read the book because I said it was so much better than the movie.

Ya know what I would love to do? One of these nights (maybe even for my birthday) get a few girls together, get all whored up, and head into, say Herman's, and drink and dance and party like we were still 19...

So I was thinking, right, and deciding what one major purchase Im going to let myself make once I get my settlement. I have things to pay off and whatnot, but Im going to allow myself to make one major purchase that I wouldnt normally make. My first thought was to get an iPod, since I've wanted one for ages, but I dunno. Like Corrine said, do I want it for the novelty of having an iPod, or do I really have use for an mp3 player? I dont think I really have use for an mp3 player. I think Im going to get one of these babies. Isnt she beautiful?

I got a letter from my lawyer today saying that he settled my case ...for more than I had originally thought. :D

I know that I have nice skin. I know that I have really soft skin. I also have skin that is sensitive to the touch, but Im not complaining. I like it when a guy gives me the shivers just by caressing my arms. I cant even complain about my eczema, I've grown used to that. I havent grown out of it, but its seasonal, so I cope. The one grudge that I do hold against my skin is my facial complexion. The skin on my face gets extremely oily. Not just oily, but I get more zits now than I did when I was a teenager. At twenty-four years old, the last thing that I need is zits. I have tried numerous cleansers and none of them have resolved the issue. Even Dove, my old standby (and what I use everywhere else on my body) wasnt helping. Until I tried Anew cleanser from Avon. I cannot stress how excited and giddy I am at the difference this cleanser has made in my complexion! For the first time In as long as I can remember, I have a nice complexion. See Jenna grin! :D Im still shiny, but I can handle shiny when it isnt accompanied by the gross oil that I've been accustomed to. I even went so far as to wear makeup for a few hours tonight and it didnt get gross at all. Again, I was shiny, but I didnt have to constantly wipe the oil from my face (especially around my nose, ugh). The true test will be wearing makeup going out to a bar where I'll be up dancing and whatnot, but so far things are looking awesome :D

I recommend reading this pamphlet. Its long, yes, but it is quite the read.

The Da Vinci Code opens tomorrow. I am going to see it on Sunday afternoon with my mother, despite it apparently sucking.

He and I saw Poseidon last night, and I enjoyed myself. Its been a long time since I've seen a movie with action like that. It makes me excited for the summer movies.

'Cuz I lie
Not because I want to
But I seem to need to
All the time
Yeah, I lie
And I don't even know it
Maybe this is
All a part of my flawed design
(Flawed Design by Stabilo)

Ever feel, not that you've been lying, but that you've been acting a part to please everyone else? I cant be the only one who does this. I am different things to different people, but what do I really want?

I've been doing it again... thinking, that is. I have to stop that. I let the thoughts swirl around in my head and I start to question myself. I lose all faith in myself and I cant tell anybody because Im afraid to disappoint people. Like, maybe Im not ready for this? But I dont want to jump to that conclusion because then other people will get hurt and I cant have that. Its easier for me to keep any hurt inside myself than to disappoint someone else. I have to keep up appearances. How fucked up is that? Its easier for me to keep up appearances even if it means making myself miserable, just to avoid disappointing people.

Maybe I am moving to fast. Maybe Im too afraid to allow myself to be close to anybody. Maybe I let myself fall into this trap because its comfortable, and I became comfortable with misery. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I shouldnt be posting any of this because I dont know who's reading and what they'll do with anything I type her. But, well, I dont force people to read, and dammit it does not make me a bad person. Im fucking confused and I dont know who I am or what Im going to do with myself. Maybe Im not happy enough with myself to be able to make someone else happy. Im miserable with myself lately. I feel fat and I feel ugly and I just dont like me. But, I have to keep up appearances so that I dont disappoint anybody, right? Yeah, its easier that way, for me anyway.

I really wish these things wouldnt time themselves for when its too late to message anybody for a really good conversation. Guh.

I cant talk about it, Im not ready to talk about it. I need to see the episode again to let myself take it all in and absorb it. I havent absorbed it yet. Lets just say this: I am not a fan of McDreamy. *grumble*Good for nothing bastard.*grumble*

PRESTON!!!

I've been feeling better since the last post, I think I know what my issue was. Have you ever been so stressed that you projected it onto something or someone else just to focus your frustration? That's what I think I was doing.

The Boy and I are getting along rather swimmingly, even though we havent done anything more than make out since he came home. I think he's a little more frustrated over that than I am, but I can see where he's coming from. It kind of sucks that we both live in houses where there's always someone at home, and neither of us can afford the gas money to go somewhere remote to park. Hell, I dont know if I'll have enough money to keep me in gas until I get paid again. At least I'll have fewer bills on my next pay so I can go shopping in Halifax.

Last Sunday I met The Boy's family. Tonight I had him over here for dinner and he met my parents and my dogs. We ate dinner ourselves (I cooked and he was impressed, woo), and finished not too long before Mom came home with groceries. He not only hauled in our groceries, but he came with me to haul (my mother's aunt) Mockey's groceries up to her apartment too. Handy this one is. Tomorrow night he's coming to my aunt's for lobster and to meet my entire family. Well, my mom's side anyway.

I finally went to see Kim at work last night! And she got to see The Boy (see, I told you he was cute ;) We had a BBQ at Corrine's and her and I got half shot on Sourpuss before going in to visit Kim. That was fun, I enjoy alcohol :) I did not get to see a Cheddacorn, but by golly, I will before the summer is over. After we visited Kim we went to Dooly's to play some pool and then drove around to see how the rich people lived. Some of those houses were friggin huge. Like, my house could fit inside them four times, kind of huge. One of them even had a turret! Turrets make me swoon. I want to live in a house with a turret.

Oh, and not only did I not have to throw a tantrum at the Registry of Motor Vehicles, but Corrine didnt have to throw a tantrum ordering her highspeed internet. Other than the deodorant issue, I'd say we had a pleasant day. Now I need sleep.

I have this really bad feeling lately that I just cant shake. I feel like I need a really good cry but I have no idea why. Its more than just feeling depressed, its like I feel almost guilty even though I've done (or said) nothing to give me reason to feel like this. Maybe its stress from work, maybe I just feel a little lonely, I dont know. I just know that I dont like this, at all.

[EDIT]: It was no sooner than I had hit "Publish Post" that the words came to me, I feel like im in over my head. Im not ready to discuss this further, not yet. Keep in mind this may be something that will have to be dragged out of me, just not yet. Also, I havent had my cry yet.

me: (coming in the door) Guess what I got!
Mother: Besides vto, what?
me: No, that was it.
Mother: Guess what I got.
me: What?
Mother: A week's vacation in July.
me: Who's desk did you crawl under to get that approved?
Mother: Ohh I didnt have to do that, I just gave someone a little rub..

Im going to his house for supper and to meet his family. Grandparents and everything. Saying that Im terrified is understating how I feel.

It was warm out today, but it was supposed to rain in the afternoon so I wore shoes and socks to work. Directly after work I went and picked The Boy up to take him out for dinner (Chinese food) for his birthday (that was Wednesday past) and I didnt want to drive home to get a pair of flip flops, so I went into Zellers and bought two pair. Hey, they were only $4 each, and they're really cute! I may have to get more at some point, as they come in all different flavours :D

Oh, and we proved that we could spend the day together and have a good time without having any sexual contact. I swear. Not even kissing. We were chaste. Now that I know for sure Im still attracted to him after all that waiting, I cant wait until sexual contact!

I got this email today from my brother. If you know him you'll understand why it left me laughing out loud.

Oh yeah, so I got up today and there's no one around, which was nice to get up and poke around the house myself, so then I got out to my car today, and low and behold, I have a flat.

I called for start shift but they couldn’t do it, so I got down and changed my own tire, oh yes, me, changed my own tire

Did Debbie give you yer hand cream? I as going to drop it off but I got here with time to wash my hands for the 20394820394th time and sign on

I have to be in the shower in four hours, but I just finished watching the second season of Veronica Mars and Im not tired. Well, I am, a little, but I felt like posting first. Yesterday started beautifully, I woke up and decided not to move out of the bed right away, so I curled up with my dog and my laptop and watched television shows. I love getting the chance to do that, its so relaxing. Then I found out that My Boy wouldnt be leaving directly after class yesterday, but tomorrow morning, meaning that I wouldnt see him tonight. There goes the evening I had planned. Anyway, Im finished work tomorrow at 2:30pm so Im going to go straight to pick him up (he hasnt seen my new car yet) and we're going to go for Chinese food or something and then I dont know what. Dont get too excited, Im on my period and he has a cold sore on his lip. I told him all he'll be getting for now is a nice firm handshake (note, I did not say handjob). If he's lucky he'll get a hug :)

I've been wanting to write for sometime now but I just havent had the words. Or when I did have them in my brain I just couldnt get them out through my fingertips. Ever have days like those? My intention was to save a hundred dollars from this paycheque to go towards shopping in Halifax on the 29th, but I cant see that happening. Dating someone is expensive, when you're single you forget that. He's home now, but I havent seen him so it doesnt feel like he's home to me. Talking on the phone is talking on the phone, it can happen anywhere and really doesnt mean anything until you cant do it anymore. I look forward to seeing him, I really do. I cant wait until he's finished his other course in June so that it will finally feel like I have a boyfriend, instead of this stupid limbo that is caused by the distance. I swore to myself I'd never do the long distance thing again and look at me. This guy's different though, he's totally not an asshole. I would really like to get everyone together to go play pool or something so that he can meet my, you know, crew. If anyone's interested, let me know, we'll hook something up.

It really sucks when a flash of inspiration hits me at two in the morning when I have to be up again at six. I could message him to see if he's still there, but then I'd only be up talking to him for another two hours. He now has wireless at his house :) This means that he wont have to share the internet connection with his brother anymore. He can curl up in his bed and talk to me while Im curled up in my bed. How depressing does that sound? lol. Im excited about seeing him tomorrow, but nervous at the same time. Will it be weird? We were apart for about seven weeks, what if its not totally the same? I think I let myself become detached while he was away because it was easier to deal with (Im a master at detaching myself). I shut that part of me off, and now I have to turn it back on. I expect it to be rusty. *sigh* I suppose we'll find out tomorrow, wont we? Actually, it is tomorrow.

So, Corrine had asked her mother if it was okay for me to stay in their spare room in June when my family is home, and she said that it was okay. I didnt know how my mother would react to it, me running away when the family is home from BC. I mentioned it last night, fully expecting her to be all "But how will it look if they come home and you're staying elsewhere?", but I was wrong. When I told her she got very excited and started to plan who was going to sleep where. I felt unloved.

Oh, and I am never again walking the length of the hospital with my mother. The woman can barely walk the length of herself, but she decided last night that she's too proud to let me ask someone to push her in a wheel chair. No, she'd rather be able to complain about it to me. She wont even use her cane outside of the house! Hard on the head that woman is.

I had to watch this video a few times before I actually caught on.

In the last twenty-four hours I've burned through The Da Vinci Code. I can not wait to see the movie now.