I've discussed it with several people, and I think I've come to the conclusion that I dont think I want to be in a relationship. I want to date, yes, but I dont want to commit to something. Im not ready for that yet. I think Janice said it perfectly when she said "You only just got your life back, you dont want to give that up". The thought of being in a committed relationship again makes me feel claustrophobic. I dont want to be tied down to someone. It goes beyond not being ready, I simply dont feel like I've lived enough to settle.
So what does that mean for The Boy and I? I have no idea. Once he's home again in a couple of weeks I'll feel things out and go from there. I like him, dont get me wrong, and I would like to date him, but I can only go so far with that. (You all know I dont mean physically). If he is aiming toward the L-bomb, I would probably have no choice but to back away. I dont want to have to do that, but its not fair to him if I cant give him what he wants now is it? The L-bomb is too heavy of a word to be tossed around. Too many people are infatuated with someone and call it love. It irks me, it really does. In my head, when you "love" someone it means that you want them around for the rest of your life, and that definition applies to romantic, and non-romantic relationships. I seriously dont want a guy to tell me he loves me unless he's putting a ring on my finger, or Im carrying his child. Frig, at this point I really dont want to even be infatuated with someone. I want someone to go on dates, and hang out, and have sex with. All that requires is a physical attraction, and to like the person. That's all I need. I dont want to be a part of his family and I dont want someone to take home to my mother.
I am not going to bring any of this up to The Boy until he's back on this island. It wouldnt be fair to spring this on him while he's away only to make him worry. I need to use these couple of weeks to feel myself out and figure out what I really want.
{Friday, May 26}
Here I go again.
1 Comments:
Christophe said...
Friday, May 26, 2006 5:44:00 p.m.
Christophe said...
You know, I'm reading War & Peace by Tolstoy at the moment.
The characters all have the same problem when it comes to romance.
The moment they attain their object, they become disinterested.
Not drawing any particular parallels of course...
