'Cuz I lie
Not because I want to
But I seem to need to
All the time
Yeah, I lie
And I don't even know it
Maybe this is
All a part of my flawed design
(Flawed Design by Stabilo)
Ever feel, not that you've been lying, but that you've been acting a part to please everyone else? I cant be the only one who does this. I am different things to different people, but what do I really want?
I've been doing it again... thinking, that is. I have to stop that. I let the thoughts swirl around in my head and I start to question myself. I lose all faith in myself and I cant tell anybody because Im afraid to disappoint people. Like, maybe Im not ready for this? But I dont want to jump to that conclusion because then other people will get hurt and I cant have that. Its easier for me to keep any hurt inside myself than to disappoint someone else. I have to keep up appearances. How fucked up is that? Its easier for me to keep up appearances even if it means making myself miserable, just to avoid disappointing people.
Maybe I am moving to fast. Maybe Im too afraid to allow myself to be close to anybody. Maybe I let myself fall into this trap because its comfortable, and I became comfortable with misery. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I shouldnt be posting any of this because I dont know who's reading and what they'll do with anything I type her. But, well, I dont force people to read, and dammit it does not make me a bad person. Im fucking confused and I dont know who I am or what Im going to do with myself. Maybe Im not happy enough with myself to be able to make someone else happy. Im miserable with myself lately. I feel fat and I feel ugly and I just dont like me. But, I have to keep up appearances so that I dont disappoint anybody, right? Yeah, its easier that way, for me anyway.
I really wish these things wouldnt time themselves for when its too late to message anybody for a really good conversation. Guh.
{Monday, May 15}
They might be a Christian band, but dammit, I like 'em.
