Vaginismus.

I swear Im not making this shit up.

The car's back, and Im broke. *sigh* But Paul's going to do foils in my hair tonight, maybe blue ones. Shannon said that I needed pink ones in, everybody says I look great with pink hair.

Even though I feel better than I have the past like four years, I still look in the mirror and think "FAT!". I still have it in my head that "no guy is going to want THAT body", or "you have to be skinny before you'll get looked at". In my head, I know that Im not even that big. Like, I dont see people who are bigger than me and think that they're unattractive, or anything just because of their size, Im not that shallow. I just think this about myself. Like, even if I did lose the fifty or so pounds that I needed to lose, it would just be something else. My teeth are crooked, or they're not white enough. I have those dark spots under my eyes. My face gets oily. My hair isnt long enough. Im not blonde. My boobs are too small. My ass is too big. I have ugly knees. IM TOO ANTISOCIAL! Ugh.

I know, I know, everybody has something about themselves that they wish were different, but I really dont know how to feel "worth it", ya know what I mean? Like, I was with a guy who actually told me once that another girl was prettier than I was. THATS who I spent four years with.

Its mostly the weight issue though. I see girls with flat tummies and skinny legs and wonder how am I going to compete with that?

Grr. My car was inspected in June, and they did not mention anything with the brakes. So within the last two weeks my brakes got VERY grindy so today the car is up at the garage getting fixed. They just called to tell me what was wrong with it. Not only do I need new brake pads in the front, but I also need new rotors! Its going to cost me $233 total. I dont even know if I HAVE that much money. I totally wasnt planning on it costing me that much to get fixed. Now, honestly, I cant imagine that the pads werent starting to wear through in June when it got looked at. They could have at least gave me a heads up or something, it would have been almost $200 cheaper to just replace the pads. I feel so helpless and deflated.

But on a side note, it was great talking to Corrine last night. It was like three years hadnt passed at all.


EDIT: The garage that fixed the car today is not the one that inspected it in June. I took it to the dealer's to get inspected, and they're going to get some comments when I take it in to get the oil changed soon.

Okay, am I the only person who hears the song "New Orleans is Sinking" by The Tragically Hip in their head when hearing about hurricane Katrina?

Yes, I am a horrible person, and Im sure that if I believed in Hell I would certainly agree with you that they're reserving me a seat.

I had a thin day today! I have these dress pants since a couple of years, and they're my favorite pants, and they never stopped fitting me over that span of time, even though the belt that came with them stopped fitting me like a year ago. So today I was getting dressed for work and I put these pants on and I was getting a belt (cuz they NEED a belt) and I thought "fuckit, I'll try that one, just to see". Well since Im posting, you can imagine what Im going to type... THE BELT FIT ME AGAIN!!! I was sooo excited. Like, Im as small, or smaller than I was last summer. This is awesome. I havent even started at the gym yet, Im just eating less than what I used to. Well, that and I dont have the stress of a bad relationship fucking up my body.

Im in bed and I had to post this.

Both dogs are sleeping in my bedroom right now. Emma is on Molly's little bed that I madeup for her, and Molly is in my little closet asleep on the pile of dirty laundry. They both look adorable! For two dogs that do not get along, they have no problem coming down here and both sleeping in my bedroom, and they hardly ever even growl at each other when they're down here.

Haloscan deletes comments. I dont have a comment there before April of this year. That's only a couple of months. !!!! Im sure they'll keep them longer if you have a paid account, but still, all of the comments that went with my archived posts are gone.

I discovered this when I was kind of flipping through some of my archives, reading posts about when he and I would be fighting. Honestly, why didnt someone convince me to break up with him a long time ago? Janice was right, he treated me like shit.

I've been blogging like a mad woman lately, but its like I just have so much internal dialogue since Im single. When we were together I wouldnt dare post anything for fear that he'd take something the wrong way and be all pissy about it. Its not fun when things are going fine and then all of a sudden your boyfriend is mad at you and you have no idea why. And then he tells you it was something that you posted a month ago that had nothing to do with what he thought it did. He was such a goddamned woman.

But, I find that when I post, I just login right quick when I get up, or before bed, or if I have a spare minute during the day to just get something off of my mind. Im finally bringing this blog back to what I created it for, to be a blog.

I got vampire fangs! Technically I've started my Hallowe'en costume :D

I just updated my reads list with the majority of blogs that I read frequently. I did not include any LiveJournals that are friends only. Obviously if someone's in your friend's list, they presumably already know about your LJ, so I made that decision.

Obviously, if your blog is linked and you do not want it to be, email me at the address at the top and I will remove it no questions asked.

I also have to update my comics list, but I will save that for another day.

Warning: probably more information than you ever wanted to know. Really, consider yourself warned.



Im horny. Not "I need to get off" horny, Im "I need to fool around with a boy" horny. I really just want to have good sex with a guy. Is this so much to ask? I mean, I just went four years with a guy who was nothing to write home about in bed. Actually, by the end of it having sex with him was more of an annoyance than anything else. Honestly now, after four years, should I still have to tell him how to do it? I dunno, but in my head, he really should have picked up on it after umm... six months.

First off, for a guy who wear's size seventeen shoes, the size was rather disappointing. He was average, at best (at best!). But, that's okay, size isnt everything (I said that with a straight face). No, really, I know that not every guy is of porn standards, so I can learn to deal with that as long as he's got skillz. My ex did not have particularly great skillz. In the four years that we were together (having sex for all of them) I betcha I actually *came to orgasm* (there I said it) less than five times. That might be giving him credit, too. But, anyway, its not that what we did didnt feel good, but I just got so frusterated with the fact that anytime I got anywheres near really feeling good he would be finished. No, no, Im serious. I would be *almost there* and he'd come. Every. Goddamned. Time.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Girl, why didnt you make him eat you out?". Honestly, same thing. I would get *almost there* and he'd stop. He would actually stop and want to do something else. There were some nights I just wanted to punch him. Within the last year I betcha he brought me to orgasm twice (twice!) when we were 69ing. I was starting to think that I was incapable of actually having an orgasm, then I realized that he just wasnt good in bed. Toward the end of it, I just thought fuckit, and when he wanted to do it, he had to do me from behind. Not, that it felt any better, just that he got off quicker and I could go home. If he thinks that he's any good in bed, I'd like to thank the Academy.

So, yeah, is it too much to ask to find a boy to have really good sex with? I think I deserve it.



Oh yeah, I will delete any crude and vulgar comments, so dont even think about it.

So I have an appointment to get the brakes on my car fixed at 8:00am on Tuesday. They're getting REALLY grindy since the last week. Hopefully that wont cost me too much because Im already broke and today's payday.

Oh, Corrine, remember when we stopped talking umm two years ago? Yeah, that was my fault and Im sorry. I sided with that jerkoff at the time, not knowing he'd put me through more bullshit than I ever deserved. But, he's gone now (good riddance!) and I felt that I had to say that.

So, I still have no idea when Im going to get my money. I called the lawyer last week and he told me to call him in a week. Im getting REALLY frusterated. I've pretty much got the money already spent and Im not even near getting it. I figure though, with my new shift I wont be getting near as much VTO, so Im going to try my damndest to just work off my paycheque rather than my accident money. I do plan on joining Curves because Im totally ready to make that change, and I do plan on getting a digital camera. I also want an iPod, but that, I think, can wait a little while. I was thinking today that I want to start getting myself a new outfit every pay if I can afford it, even if its just jeans and a tshirt from Wal*Mart.

Oh, and I still want to make a trip to Halifax at some point. This time, I wanna get DRUNK, even if its just staying in the motel room.

I think three posts in one day is my record...

400 mp3s!

I've become obsessed, really. I was going through my new stats right, and from what I can gather, most of my visitors come from hitting that "next blog" button in the top right corner, which is okay and everything, but one person actually Googled "thisbloodsforyou" and found me. I raised an eyebrow at that. Oh, and apparently www.thisbloodsforyou.com is for sale, someone should buy it for me.

Oh, and I've had Haloscan comments since like ever, and today I discovered that I can play God with my comments. Like, edit and delete, block, and report spam. Yes, I can be dense sometimes. Anyway, Im only actually blogging this because I've decided that from here on in if any comments are offensive or puerile I will take the liberty. Other than that, I wouldnt dare screw with someone else's opinion.

Its 9:25am and I've actually been awake for two hours. Im still in bed, mind you, but I've been goddamned well awake since half past seven. That's frusterating.

So I was driving to work today and something got me thinking about Kim's Hallowe'en party and what I was going to dress up as. I figured that everyone would expect me to go as a vampire or a witch, right, so I didnt want to go as either of those. Plus they're both pretty commonplace for Hallowe'en. Then it hit me. I knew what I was going to be. I honestly cant see anyone else being that, its too, ummm, not all that common. I really want to say, because I have no idea how to go about dressing up as *this*, but I dont want to give it away this far away. Get it? If anybody really wants to assist me in designing this costume, leave a comment and I'll tell you what *it* is.

Oh, and today at work we had a shift bid. There was slim pickings by the time I got in there. Well, as far as dayshifts go anyway. I could have gotten some great nightshifts with weekends off, but I've been there almost three years, Im not going to work nightshift unless I have to. Anyway, the shift that I picked starts at 10:30am and ends at 9:30pm, four days a week. I have Tuesday/Thursday/Friday off. I didnt want to be working until 9:30pm, but Im sure I'll get used to it. The days off arent great either, but it could have been worse.

Oh, and I think I have a crush on a boy at work. I dont want to talk about it. Really, I dont want to talk about because nothing will ever come of it because its ME. He's not a boy that I talk to, just see on the floor, so really, I doubt anything will come of it. I think I just needed to admit to myself that yes, I have a crush.

Oh, and I put a counter on my site this afternoon (less than five hours ago) and for shits I checked the stats on it about an hour later. Within that amount of time I had forty-six individual hits. Since then I've had a couple more. Forty-six. Woah. It was like "people might not leave comments, but they're reading what I write". That blows my mind. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the counter is invisible which is why its not showing up on the main page.

Okay, I have to post this. I just had to drive over to switch cars right, and I drove past his house, and I saw a girl standing like she was putting stuff in the trunk of the car and I thought "oh, that must be the new girlfriend" and then I saw him walking down the step with a suitcase and thought "OMG his hair looks UGLY!" and "he must be moving to Hali now". Then I kept on trucking and I was up at the top of the road when it hit me. I felt nothing. I just saw my ex (of less than two months) with his new girlfriend (who he's moving to Halifax with) and felt nothing. No guilt, no regret, no jealousy. Nothing.

This means something, and it means something good. :D

I was at work today and Darryl was up on the floor and saw me walking to my desk and automatically said "What's different about you?" after checking me up and down. Naturally I replied "Im single!" and then Terrance made a comment and we all joked. Then Darryl said "No really, this is a good thing, you're like ...brighter." So there, the change in me is obviously showing to more than those who really know me.

Plus I think Im losing weight. All that stress gone.

Oh yeah, and I was standing talking to Joe and Marcus walked by and kinda punched me in the arm, and it kinda hurt and I pouted and said that I didnt really need to be pucked. So he replied with "I couldnt help it, you looked puckable today". I was at a loss for words, and actually blushed so they made fun of me.

I downloaded more than 50 songs tonight just from Kim's suggestions (thank you Kim!) and one of those was Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley. I've known about Jeff Buckley since ages and ages, but I have a habit of not listening to him. Not because I dont like him, but his voice is so haunting, and he was so talented that listening to him knowing that he committed suicide actually makes me upset. Its such a shame that such talented people can be so tortured. How weird am I?

Ya know what people should be doing? People should be emailing me lists of songs to download. Or message me. Or leave comments, whatever. I've been on a downloading frenzy the past couple of days and Im running out of ideas!

One stipulation: no country music please. Pretty much anything else is fair game.

Oh and at the party Kim was saying that she liked using Winamp so I downloaded it again and I remembered why winamp was always my favorite on the old computer, and now it actually works. Only, it doesnt work with my handy dandy buttons, major downfall.

Other than the "Jason grabbed my ass" incident last night, the party was fun. I was drunk after a cooler and a half. Wrecked after two and a half. I drank my four though. Im sooo glad that Amy and Kim came, they're hella fun to drink and hang out with! Too bad that Susan is out in the sticks and cant partake in our fun and debauchery. Plus, they brought sausages! And rice krispie squares! And cookies!!

I did not hook up with Dustin. One of the girls at the party said to me "He wants you" (cuz you know, he's so subtle about it) and I kinda nodded at her that I knew, cuz he was sitting not to far from me, and she gave me this wise advice: play hard to get. I just agreed with her while thinking "Dont worry, Im going to be playing damn near impossible to get". I do not want to hook up with Dustin, but I knew that once I had alcohol in me it would be hard to say no because Im in need of smoochins, and I like the attention. I like the attention. I think Im a cock-tease. I must point out though, I do not like attention from my friend's boyfriends, nor do I look for it. Especially the touching my ass kind.

As much as I really dont care to hear it, people keep keeping me updated on the goings on of my ex-boyfriend. Really, I dont care what he's doing now. I care what Im doing now. Nonetheless, I must share this bit of information about his mother. Apparently she keeps going up to Jason at the bar and going on about how much the XBF is messed up over the breakup and whatnot, and "basically trying to pump me for information" according to Jason. This is sad, for two reasons. His mother is playing the "pity me" card while he's, you know, moved on. And really, there's no information about me to pump for. LIKE OMG SHE'S HAPPY WITH HERSELF!!! Did you see that? That was me rolling my eyes.

From his actions after we broke up, I can totally see why someone would come up with the idea that my ex-boyfriend was possibly cheating on me before we split. Not that I think that, I just can see why someone would.

So, the past two days I've dressed up for work, hair done and makeup and everything. I got tired of wearing jeans all the time, and, well, I feel good about myself. I feel good about myself. I think that Im attractive. I dont care to be overweight, but that isnt going to change overnight, and Im okay with that. I honestly dont think that I've felt this good about myself. Ever. I mean, there's times that I've been way depressed and hated myself, and there's been times that I thought I was alright, but now I can look in the mirror and think "Jenna, you've got it going on" and actually mean it. I used to be so self-consious about my weight that I wouldnt even think about being attracted to a thin guy, but now, honestly I can be okay with that. I like me.

I came home from work today and Mom said, with a smirk on her face, "and who are you trying to attract?" and I was honest when I said nobody. Im enjoying being single. Im enjoying becomming my own person again. Saturday night I had a blast just going out and looking attractive. I even feel more outgoing than I ever did before. I can honestly say that at this point in my life I am the happiest that I have been in a long time.

Janice told me that Mary was asking her how I was doing. I am doing great, really. Im having a blast. I know that its my fault Mary and I dont talk anymore, but I said what I said at a time when we werent talking and quite frankly I was frusterated and pissed off. But I have never deleted an entry from this blog, and I dont intend to start. We all have to live with what we do, and what we say. Although I do miss hanging out with her sometimes, she was as mean about people as I am.

I really hope that when I call my lawyer on Friday he'll have good news. I really want to start planning a trip to Halifax. I would love to go and shop, and go OUT drinking and make out with some boy who's name I dont know just to say that I did. Hell I'd probably make out with a girl if the opportunity arose. I've decided that this is the time where I can live my life to the fullest and have a BLAST! I mean, Im only 24, Im way too young to be tied down.

My new song on repeat seems lately to be She Is Beautiful by Andrew WK. Its how I feel about myself :)


EDIT: There are boys at work that I'd be lying if I didnt say I would make out with, but Im perfectly fine with just flirting. I like the attention :)

I really want to see the movie 40 Year Old Virgin. It looks hilarious!

So I got up and went to work today. I didnt even sign onto the phone, I just asked them if I could have the day off and they gave it to me. I came home and Mom asked me if I was sure I was getting a paycheque. Im only running on about three hours of sleep, so as soon as I can put my clothes in the dryer Im going to lay down and nap for a while.

As mad as I was last night, I had a really good time. Im more mad at myself for letting myself feel bad for him, when I look now and realize that I tiptoed around things to not upset him the whole time we were together, I cant be doing that now that we're broken up. I really just have to stand up for myself a little better. I'll tell you something though, it sure makes me wish that I had hooked up with Dustin the night of pub crawl, not that I really want to hook up with Dustin, but just so that I could say that I hooked up with somebody.

Actually, no. I wasnt ready then to hook up with anybody. Even now, Im ready to make out with boys, and probably have sex with them too, but I know Im certainly not in any position to be in another relationship. Im glad I can look at it like that, it makes me feel grown up.

Oh, and the really cute boy from the band last night kept making eye contact with me on the dance floor, but Jason said that he's got a girl. I probably wouldnt care, actually.

Also, I apparently looked smokin hot last night in my new outfit, go me.

Speaking of smoking, there was a man at the bar smoking a Captain Black and the smell made Janice and I walk down to Needs and get a pack of Colts. Oh my gawd was it ever good! I havent had a Colt in umm... years. The taste was just as yummy as I remember, and it didnt bother my lungs at all. Mmmm...

I reaslly shouldnt be on here because I have to be at work in less than 6hrs, but Im goddamned pssed off. Drunk too. Since I broke up with my (now ex) boyfriend, I havent been with anyone, I havent WANTED to be with anyone, because, you know, I just got out of a relationship. I even felt BAD for him because everyone that I know was being told that he was all fucked up and heartbroken over the breakup. Well I find out tonight that he's been fucsking someone else since like umm... pub crawl. That was two weeks after we broke up. Yeah, he's real goddamned hearbroken. Fuck feeling bad for him. I know from experience that he cannot just up and move on that quickly. Christ, he was pinjing ovser a fling for like the first year of our relationship, let alone a four year goddamned relationshp. I had noticsed a different car at his house on my way to work some mornings (at like 7:30) so I knew there was something different going on, but I was actually feeling bad for him because I thought that he was all upset. Well screw that, Im friggin annoyed now. Trust me, Im not jealous I broke up with him, but Im annoyed that I was trying to spare his feelings and he's screwing some tart. He'll find all his stuff in a bag on his step some morning, I have no intentions on seeing him face to face. Heartbroken, my ass.

I really shouldnt be allowed to go shopping by myself, especially not on payday. Janice needed a date for a wedding tonight, and she invited me. I (of course) had nothing to wear so I had decided that I was going to run into Sydney and pick up a shirt or something at Wal*Mart just to have something different to wear, ya know. Well, I was driving past Penningtons and noticed that they had a sale on so I went in. I didnt even look at the sale rack, tell ya the truth. I picked a denim skirt off the wall, and a black top off of one of the racks and tried them on and they fit. Fit me well too. So I bought those two things and a scarf that I can wear as a belt and it all came to $125.

I spent $125 on three things. But fuck it, I might spend a total of $500 on clothes for myself in a year. I deserve it.

I also bought myself shampoo, some toiletries, lunches for work, paid my bills AND still have a fair amount of money for "going out" if I so choose to do so. Im impressed with myself.

Oh, and gas is now up to $1.099/L which is completely ridiculous. It took $50 to fill my gas tank. Grr on big oil.

You wanna see something creepy and disturbing? Watch this.

And dont say I didnt warn you.

Starting next month my car insurance will be $33/month cheaper than what I pay now.

*glee*

Thats because in December I will have been driving six years. I cant wait until next year when I'll be 25 :D

I have been extremely anti-social as of late. I havent called, emailed, or chatted online with anyone in a while. I go to work, and I come home and maybe eat and then go to bed. Im sure that the heat has something to do with it, but it could be other things going on...

I was single a month exactly on Sunday.

I still dont have my accident settlement. My lawyer punted me off until the nineteenth. That has me extremely pissed off. On the other hand though, I dont even have the money yet and I have it pretty much spent already. I have bills I need to pay off, and I would love to by a nifty little digital camera AND take a trip to Halifax to do some shopping (I NEED to get away for a weekend).

le sigh.

So yeah, on August 15th, this blog will be three years old. Imagine that.

Sometimes I just have so much to say, but I cant find the words. Damn, I hate that.

Tonight we're having the worst thunder and lightening storm that we've had this summer. Molly is hidden somewhere in the house that I cant find, and we have Molson (the neighbour dog with the backstory) in from the storm. Molly is hidden somewhere, Molson is afraid and pacing around, and poor Emma doesnt know what the hell's going on. I live in a goddamned zoo.

Oh, Susan, if you read this while you're home, I forgot to email you and I know you were coming home tonight. If you get a chance give me a shout and we can go for coffee or whatnot.