The car's back, and Im broke. *sigh* But Paul's going to do foils in my hair tonight, maybe blue ones. Shannon said that I needed pink ones in, everybody says I look great with pink hair.

Even though I feel better than I have the past like four years, I still look in the mirror and think "FAT!". I still have it in my head that "no guy is going to want THAT body", or "you have to be skinny before you'll get looked at". In my head, I know that Im not even that big. Like, I dont see people who are bigger than me and think that they're unattractive, or anything just because of their size, Im not that shallow. I just think this about myself. Like, even if I did lose the fifty or so pounds that I needed to lose, it would just be something else. My teeth are crooked, or they're not white enough. I have those dark spots under my eyes. My face gets oily. My hair isnt long enough. Im not blonde. My boobs are too small. My ass is too big. I have ugly knees. IM TOO ANTISOCIAL! Ugh.

I know, I know, everybody has something about themselves that they wish were different, but I really dont know how to feel "worth it", ya know what I mean? Like, I was with a guy who actually told me once that another girl was prettier than I was. THATS who I spent four years with.

Its mostly the weight issue though. I see girls with flat tummies and skinny legs and wonder how am I going to compete with that?

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