I was reading a certain cartoonist's LiveJournal and he posted this:

By the time I hit enter, Saddam Hussein will be dead. How come I'm way more sad about this than Chris Farley or Ronald Reagan?

Oh yeah, because no matter what anyone does, nobody has the right to take another person's life.

I thought I was weird for feeling like that. Say what you want about Saddam, but killing is killing is killing, and to celebrate it is kinda sick.

We havent even been together three months and he bought me an iPod nano for Christmas. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Im that good.

I've been strongly thinking whether or not it would actually be viable to put my car back on the road or have it sold. In order for me to get it on the road I would have to go completely broke in the immediate future, and then continue pouring half of my monthly income* into the vehicle just to keep it on the road. With bills like that, I will never afford to live anywhere but here.

On the other hand. Im currently getting along fine without a vehicle of my own on the road. I could rent an apartment for less than what I've been paying toward my car each month. I wouldnt need to move out instantly, I'd be aiming more toward the summer or fall, giving me time to save up money to buy things like furniture. Also, it really wouldnt be all that difficult to save up a few grand and purchase a used car that's a couple of years older. I would save myself the cost of having a monthly car payment, and still have the freedom I've had the past few years.

I've been weighing the pros and cons, and letting this car go is looking rather tempting. It may not be the most popular choice, but overall it seems like the more rational one.

*Between car payments, car insurance payments, and gas. Im literally putting just slightly under half of my monthly take home income into the car. Combine that with student loan, and average living stuff like food and if I want to go out, and there's a reason I've been broke all the time.

Gift shopping complete? Check.
Gift wrapping complete? Check... almost. I need to pick up my brother's present at Rin's.

Now I just need to find time to see everybody. I will literally spend the rest of the week baking cookies, and then its my party. Im a busy girl.

Its one thing to be able to hang out and have a good time with them, but you know you're in with your boyfriend's friends when one of them tells you he wants you to beat up one of his ex girlfriends. He even offered to pay me for it. Even though he's been broken up with this chick for a long time (like, years), I can fully understand his hatred for her. There are somethings you will never get over. Some burns never fully heal, and there will always be people from your past in which you would take great pleasure in seeing miserable. I told him that Im non-violent, and joked that if he took out my ex I'd see what I could make happen. What you dont know is that Pat's ex and my ex hung out in the same group in highschool and for a couple of years afterwards (which, like Pat said, is essentially how we knew each other prior to me being with Frankie). What struck me funny about this conversation is, yet again, when I dropped my ex's name Pat's first reaction was to say that he hated him. It seems like everybody who knows my ex for a long time hates him. It makes me feel good.

Its not that Pat is the only one of Frankie's friends that I get along with. I can very easily sit and have a conversation with Dave, and his girlfriend* and I got along great last night. Cooter's a goofball, and although I havent spent much time around Brian**, I seem to get along with him. All in all I like hanging out with my boyfriend's friends. I dont feel like a tag-along girlfriend when its just Frankie and I and them. Actually, that's all that was at Dave's place when we started drinking last night and I was completely comfortable. Dave's girlfriend Janet got home from work just as we were leaving so she came with us the rest of the night, and I think all in all it was a good evening. We didnt actually make it to the fashion show part of the event, but we went to the dance for like half an hour and it sucked. Then we went to the *bar next door to work* and there was a band on stage wearing cowboy hats, which automatically turned me off and made me want to leave. Luckily Frankie wanted to get laid, so it didnt take him all that much to be convinced.

I will admit that last night was the third time in my life that I've vomited due to alcohol. I dont know what caused it, maybe it was the tequila shot that I did at Ashley and Kurt's. Maybe it was the pornstar shot I did at the *bar next door to work* with Janet. Maybe it was the fact that I did the two shots, and drank five coolers all within like a six hour period. For me that means I essentially downed all that liquor. Either way, my stomach was uncomfortable before I went home, but it was the hiccups I got when I was getting ready for bed that made me have to run to the toilet and hurl. That was just before 4am. About 7am, I rolled over in bed which apparently made me seasick, and I had to get up and run to the toilet again and vomit. I puked a lot more that time. It was gross. When I finally awoke for the day a few hours later my stomach was still all queer, but the nasty stuff was over. It was one of those days where I would normally say "I wont drink like that for a long time", but Im going out drinking next Friday, and then there's New Year's. Speaking of which, does anybody have any ideas for New Year's?

*My brother took Janet to her prom.

**My neighbor, I can see Brian's kitchen from my kitchen window.

Tonight is the fashion show/dance that Frankie's LOB* is putting on. We've had tickets for weeks now and despite the fact that Im seriously po' we're still going. I can guarantee you I will be one of the sexiest chicks in the room, and I am going to get hammered and have a good time. I joke around saying that Im trying to "drink to forget", but I just need to relax myself for a night.

Im drinking again next Friday for Kelly G's birthday and Im really looking forward to it. Imagine, I've made it to twenty five and a half years old without having attended a hotel party. AND we're only having to pay $15 each for the room. Spiffy!

Oh, and sometimes I wonder why some people are still reading this blog. My life is obviously of some interest to you, but I cant understand why. You know who you are. I've never read, and never will read your Live Journal, anything you post toward me just gets passed along by a third party.

*Line of business.

Oh my fuck am I ever pissed. I wanna beat the shit out of her. I want to beat the living shit out of the chick who's spreading lies about my best friend. Im a non violent person* but this chick needs to be taken out. Of course, it would take a special kind of person to actually entertain the thought of this bullshit being believable. To think, I fucked one of them** (who always hated this other chick, but is now trying to fuck her? Im confused). Obviously that was a serious lapse in judgement on my part because they're all fucktards. Man Im so pissed. I think Im venting all of my other frustration at this situation, which is constructive, right?



*I didnt even want to beat the chick that was effing my ex behind my back. I was more baffled by her lack of judgement/morals than I was pissed off. Its not like he was a grand prize or anything, he was the worst fuck I've ever had, and a selfish asshole to boot. Seriously, there's no accounting for taste.

**I dont at all feel bad about telling the internet that his penis was shaped weird, and his testicles were abnormally small. Oops, did I type that out loud?

I broke down today. I had the type of breakdown that made me want to come home and hurt myself. I havent hurt myself, or wanted to hurt myself, in years. The stress has been building for the last week, and it culminated today when I was fighting with my boyfriend and I just broke.

Dont worry, Im not going to hurt myself. That does not mean that every thing is okay.

I refuse to decorate for Christmas. Im sick of being the only person in the house who can be bothered to pick up after themselves and attempt to get this house prepared to be decorated, so I put my foot down. Im just not doing it. I have enough to worry about and Im tired of being Cinderella. They can deal with it. Im done. That is all.

Its like every time I can get relaxed about it, someone punches me. I think Im being fucked around.

In other news, Kelly G's birthday is on the 22nd and we're all getting drunk with as little money as possible. I cant wait!

Yes, I know its very sad, but is anybody else tired of reading/hearing about James Kim's death? Im sure there are more pressing things that CNN could be focusing on. Wait, this is the American media we're talking about.

Well, all is not well, but it isnt the dire crisis that it was on Thursday night. Hanging myself would have been much to dramatic an action for this issue. Its not the end of the world, and despite the fact that I cant bring myself to ask anyone for help, there are people who will go out of their way to help me. Its good to feel supported.

So I was thinking, maybe in the new year I'll seek counseling to get over myself. I know I have serious issues, and serious lack of coping skills.

In other news, my car will be off the road until I can afford to get it fixed. Guh. At least I have a drive to work.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a backup plan! Although Im still a bit sad and depressed, I've come to accept that this is not the worst thing in the world and it will work out either way. If it doesnt work out in one regard, I have a plan.

In case you were wondering, Im still severely depressed and just want to crawl into a hole and die. I dont know if I have the coping skills to deal with something like this, I really dont. It, at least, confirmed the fact that Im a miserable failure, and I fuck up everything and will never really get a chance to be happy.

To be quite honest, my automatic reaction when I found out was to go home and hang myself. I seriously didnt think I could live through it. I felt like I disappointed everyone, and now I'll be looked down on or sneered at. My boyfriend calmed me down quite a bit and assured me that Im not the complete failure that Im convinced I am, and this will get rectified. Im not going to talk about it, because there are things that the entire bloody internet doesnt need to know, but rest assured Im not suicidal, so there's no need to worry. Pretend that there's nothing wrong and we'll get along fine.

He came on my back :D

No I was not grossed out, cumming on me* is friggin hot. I had mentioned it a couple of times, but he had not done that before (surprising, to me anyway) so was in no real rush to do it. Until tonight. I got him so hot that he didnt quite have all the control that he normally does.

He thinks Im kinky. I dont know about that, but I am starting to believe that I am hot and sexy like he says I am.


*Not on my face, not on my face, not on my face. Or in my mouth if I can help it.

We had our first major snowfall yesterday evening, to the tune of twenty-eight centimeters or something ridiculous like that. It can all go away now, Im sick of it. It is very safe to say that I hate snow. No I loathe snow. With a vengeance. Yes, yes, I know most people say that, but Im different. Since my car accident in May of 2004, I havent been okay with driving in weather. I can stay composed in rain, but snow, no with snow we have serious issues. Take last night for example, I had a panic attack the entire drive home. The drive which lasted almost an hour, rather than the fifteen to twenty minutes Im used to. I didnt cry, but I was so on edge and paranoid that the thought of making a turn, or going down a hill, or even hitting my brakes made me want to vomit all over the steering wheel. I walked into the house and looked at mom and told her that there's no way that I can go through that all winter. I just cant do it, the stress is way too much.

Today, going into work wasnt all that bad, and despite having my parent's car (with the studded tires) I was still shaky when I got to work. If there is any sort of snow covering the pavement, I just lose it. My boyfriend believes I have anxiety issues* and should probably see somebody, because its just not normal to be that afraid of driving in the snow. Im not going to see someone just because Im afraid of the snow, I'll just wait around until my brother is off of work and get a drive home with him. I think my plan will be to be living closer to work next winter. Closer, as in walking distance.

In other news, my girlie bits issue from the weekend segued right into my period, so by the time this is over it'll be a full week since I've had normal girlie bits. Im horny as hell. I dont even have to get off, I just want to fool around. And Im really in the mood to give head, I'd probably even let him cum in my mouth. Maybe. Then again, I usually get anxiety over that and make the guy cum somewhere else. Gagging and throwing up cum is not something I'd like to experience for a second time. Unfortunately it'll be no earlier than Friday before he and I can get it on, which is somewhat frustrating, but it will make so much more ooh la la when we finally get to do it. It makes me feel better knowing that he's seriously jonesing. It makes me feel wanted, like that urgent, "need you right this second" kind of wanting. He's beginning to think Im a nympho. I say what's wrong with a girl liking, and wanting sex? Nothing, that's right.

I just lost my train of thought, so Im going to bed.



*As someone who's been clinically diagnosed with both an anxiety disorder, and OCD, he sees both in me. The anxiety part I tend to keep to myself, the OCD is hard for anyone who knows me to deny.

So Thursday I noticed a little irritation "down below", which turned into a bit of swelling on my right inner labia before day's end. It didnt hurt or anything, so I didnt get all freaked out, I just figured I'd give it time to go away on its own. Friday, it was a bit uncomfortable, and a bit more swollen, but I survived the day no problem. Friday evening I decided that if it wasnt better by Sunday, I was going to the ER to get it looked at.

This morning I got up and I was sore. Walking to the bathroom, I realized there was no way that I could go shopping with Corrine for the afternoon like this so I decided to get a shower and see from there. My shower turned into a bath (and I never take baths) to see if soaking it would be any help. No. No, it was not. I was in that much pain when I got out of the shower I was in tears. I tried calling Corrine to tell her, but they were still in bed. I knew I had to go to the ER today so I went upstairs to see if my mother was awake. She was not. Back downstairs I go and get dressed and by this time my mother was awake so I tell her what's going on and she gets in the shower so we can go to the ER. While I was waiting for her I called my boyfriend in tears because I was in so much pain and I needed to hear a comforting voice (and I wasnt going to harass Steve's house waiting for Corrine to get up). Rin called while I was talking with him and I filled her in on what was going on so that she wouldnt think something really bad had happened, and then headed off with Mom to get this dealt with.

Now we went to the Regional hospital because I didnt want any of the doctors at the local hospital poking about with my girlie bits, so we were prepared to spend the entire day there. It was rather surprising, it only took me about forty minutes to see the triage nurse, and then another hour to actually get into the ER. Not bad for a hospital where I've waited six hours before. Nonetheless, once we actually got into an examining room inside the ER it barely took ten minutes for the doctor to come in. He introduced himself and asked me the basic questions, like when did I first notice it, and does it hurt when I pee. He then gave me the good news that what I had wasnt anything major, just an abscess (or a boil as my mother calls them). He gave me the options of soaking in the tub twice a day and letting the thing go away on its own, or getting it frozen and drained there, and then soaking twice a day to let it finish healing. You can guess what I chose.

I agreed to letting him do what he needed to while I was there. Afterall, I didnt drive for half an hour, and wait the better part of two, just to go home in the same condition I was in when I left the house. The doctor explained to me that it was going to pinch when he stuck the needle in (its a delicate area already, he specified) and then burn as the anesthetic was put in, but once it was frozen I'd be fine, and then left the room to get something. At this point the nurse (male doctors need to have female nurses present when examining girlie bits) stressed that it was going to burn and that I was free to use any four letter expletives I needed to, for it could not be worse than what they hear from the drunks on the weekends.

The procedure itself wasnt that bad. When he was originally prodding it to see where exactly it was sore and how big the thing was, now that hurt like a motherfucker. When he was sticking me with needles, and inserting the anesthetic, that didnt hurt as much as they made me expect. When he stuck the bigger needle in to the thing to drain the pus, that hurt. It only hurt for a moment, but it still hurt. Once he filled one needle, he just squeezed more out with his hands, which I was thankful for because it hurt less, and then he was done. If you want the gory details, the abscess was about the size of a grape, he told me, and he drained out one full millilitre of pus, besides what he squeezed out manually. That, to me, is a huge thing to have attached to your girlie bits!

After he was finished he advised me to sit in the tub twice a day for ten minutes for the next few days and I'll be fine. I was just glad to be able to walk almost normally, I wasnt worried about the next few days. I was rather upset that I had missed out on going shopping with Corrine (it is somebody's birthday on Monday and I need to get a gift), and I knew I still wouldnt be in any condition to go out drinking with KW, and my boyfriend and his friends. Oh well, there will be other weekends. I should be myself tomorrow though, I'll go shopping then.

Funny thing, apparently these abscesses are somewhat common. My mother gets them, and I was talking to KG online when I got home and she told me that she's had one. And at the ER the nurse in the room told me that I was the second one that they had seen today! That surprised me. Nothing actually causes them, they just happen, and once they're drained (or popped if they're little) they go away. Hopefully I wont see this as a reoccurring thing. It was dreadful.

On a better note, my boyfriend has gotten to spend time with his son twice this past week, and he will get to see him more regularly from now on. Its just a temporary agreement right now, but he should have a court date soon, and then the courts can finalize everything and make it official.