Im done.

I quit.

I realize that I cant live up to other people's expectations. It may be easier just to not try, than to deal with the guilt and depression of knowing that no matter what, someone is going to be disappointed with me.

Sometimes its the offhand comments that catch me by surprise and devistate me all over again. Its the realization that you cant always trust the people you think you can. You never know until afterwards, the extent of disrespect that people can have for you, and that you may think someone has your back, but in the end you realize that they really dont care and would rather enable others to lead you on. Blood is not thicker than water, and normally I dont hold grudges, but the more that I find out, the more this leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Its not fair that Im the one who cant sleep at night, that Im the one who's up until sunrise crying over things I wish could have been, over people that I wish could have cared.

Honestly, its no wonder I question my own self worth.

Move Along by The All-American Rejects

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
[x3]

(Move along)
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

We broke his penis tonight.

It started innocently enough, I had been somewhat horny throughout the evening, so when Amanda dropped me off I called him to come and pick me up. I figured I'd get all sexified and changed out of my jeans and into a little skirt without panties. When we got back to his house I pushed him down on the chair in the living room and proceeded to mount him. Note, the chair was good, even better than the couch. Anywho, we eventually moved to the stairs and that's where we finished. After I got all cleaned off, we migrated into the spare bedroom where there was "making out" and "heavy petting" which quickly led to doggie style. Here is where we ran into our problem. He was thrusting a little too deeply and it was getting painful, so I told him not to go so deep. He gave one more hard deep thrust and I think he said something but I dont remember, and he pulled out and said that he tore himself. He thrusted too hard and ripped himself open and was bleeding. Bleeding from his penis. I got kind of upset thinking that I broke him, but he calmed me down and we snuggled and I rubbed his head (not THAT one) to make him feel better.

It was certainly not the way I wanted to end a day in which my mother fell and got a concussion, and Amanda and I almost got into a car accident when some idiot ran a stop sign. On the upside, we didnt use a condom tonight and I didnt get all irritated. We used one on Thursday and I did, so Im thinking that its the condoms doing it despite me never having that problem with condoms before recently. Before anyone has a panic attack, he ejaculated on me instead of in me, so no worries (since we all know that Im not on the pill because it screws up my cycle).

[EDIT] I hit enter on this post and realized that this feels like the first normal type post in a long time. Combine that with the general feeling of contentment lately, and I may be coming out of my depression. I like that idea.

As ridiculously gaggy as it may be, never in my life have I felt so... um, loved as I have last night. I mean, I've known for a couple of months that he loved me, even before he told me. I could tell just by the way he looked at me, but I refused to allow myself to have feelings in return. I fought it because I am so damaged, not just from him, but in general, and I was afraid that it would turn into what we had before. I needed to sort things through in my head to decide if it was what I really wanted, or if it was just something comfortable to cling to. People stay in, and go back to (emotionally) abusive relationships all the time, but I didnt want to be one of those people. I needed to know for sure that he was actually different. There's only going to be a couple of people who understand why, but when he came here and washed dishes for me it confirmed that he is being genuine, and I owed it to myself to see if it could actually go somewhere.

I can understand why some people may not agree with or understand my decision. Most people just look at the cheating, and yes that's what hurts right now, but I had no proof of that while I was with him, it wasnt why I was miserable, and it wasnt why I ended the relationship. We've talked that all through, about what happened to make it go sour, and Im to the point where I understand it enough to be at peace with it. That's what I need to do to get over things, understand them, because what happens is I mull things over in my head trying to work it out, and I get all these questions that I need satisfied before I can actually put it to rest.

Which naturally brings us back to the cheating. I had an entire year of being able to work on getting myself over the rest of it before this even came into play, and to know me is to know that I feel things too much. I hurt too much, so really, its no surprise that Im still dealing with this shit now. Its not like I like being like this, but I think after last night I might be able to put that part of it to rest and I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. We talked about it, and I mean really talked about it. I was asking questions that I know most people wouldnt ask, for fear of what the answers would be, but I needed to know. I needed to get this shit out of my head. It all boiled down to something simple that was holding me back. It came down to one thing, why wasnt I good enough? What was wrong with me? This brings us back to the beginning of my post, where I've never felt so loved, and it wasnt what he was saying, but the way he was saying it and the look of genuine sincerity in his eyes. I'll never be over it because I'll never understand it, but I think I can put it away, at least with him. Im okay with him, and that's enough for me right now.

All The Same by Sick Puppies

I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly

I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden

And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same

In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same

Go ahead say it you're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

There's a big ole "Im Afraid of the Fireworks" party going on in my bedroom right now and there's a small beige mongrel currently taking up half of my bed. Its quite um, cozy. Hopefully once I decide its time for me to sleep she'll go back on the floor to curl up on my pile of clean clothes that Im too lazy to put away.

Although there was some friend drama earlier in the evening, but my evening ended up well. The stairs were interesting.

Oh, and I heard an awesome new song! It might be my new favorite, its called Face Down and its by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

• Save for a few incidents, life has actually been good lately. And, when I say incidents, I mean issues that had me really upset at the time, shaking even, but once I got a chance to vent to him about it I felt better. I realized tonight that the fact that I can vent to him means that I at least trust him that much. Then again, he doesnt get defensive over things, perhaps because I dont just bring shit up out of nowhere. Usually when I bring something up its the result of something happening to make me upset, and when I say upset, I mean to the point where Im curled up in the fetal position crying on his couch. I used to just hold things in, but I've been working on letting things out so that I dont drive myself crazy over the little things. I think part of the reason that I've even gotten so close to him again is because in the time we were apart, he became adult enough to have taken responsibility for his actions and that is something that I can respect. Some people may never see past themselves, but honestly, that's not my problem. Apologies are useless, all I ever needed was for someone to stand up and say "You know what, you didnt fucking deserve that", and he's done that. He understands where Im coming from and why I get as upset as I do, and he's validated how I feel. Im fully entitled to feel the way that I do about things that happened, even though they're in the past. A little validation can do wonders for one's healing process. Dont get ahead of yourself, though, some things will never be forgiven, ever. Its still too soon to say whether or not I will ever fully trust him again, but I like where we're at right now. I am able to to vent to him and to confide in him, and I know that if the chips were down he'd have my back.
  

• Enough about that, summer is finally here! July was shitty for the first two weeks, but for the last week almost, the weather has been sunny and hot and gorgeous and I've finally gotten to go swimming. Mind you, I couldnt swim before Tuesday because my body decided that this weekend was the perfect time to become a woman. Luckily I only had four days of "not being pregnant", during which I could lounge next to the pool and work on my tan. Tuesday I finally could get into the pool, and try out my new bikini*. Between the last two days I've started to get a nice golden tan. I can tell because my boobs are little white triangles. Its kinda cute. Even if I find my tankinis, I dont know if I'd even wear them because Im really liking this tanning business. My self-confidence shows itself in weird ways, I generally hate my body and Im normally really self conscious, but I have no problem being around my friends in a two piece bikini. I havent disillusioned myself into thinking that Im not overweight, or that I have the body to actually pull off a bikini, but fuck it, there are girls bigger than I am who wear less clothes than I do. Besides, Im swimming at a friend's pool, where the only people who see me are people who I am obviously really comfortable around.

Sorry about the password only thing, I was testing something. I've accomplished what I set out to find out, and things will stay as "normal" as possible from now on.

He pegged me as soon as I walked in the door pretty much. I had never actually gone to see a psychiatrist before, so I wasnt exactly sure what to expect, but he was warm and friendly and inviting and funny, and most of all he was comfortable. As I was walking in and sitting down he said "You're soft, you go out of your way doing everything for everyone else, and always put yourself last", which is very true about me. Obviously he had read the notes from when I went to the nuthouse in April, but he's good enough at what he does to be able to get insight about me without ever having met me.

Over the course of the conversation, he made somewhat of a dramatic realization. He looked at me and said "Your life has just been simply survival, and I dont know how you've done it the last twenty years." Meaning? The environment I live in has kept me in a perpetual state of depression for most of my life, and despite having ups and downs, I spend my entire life just fighting the urge to allow the depression to swallow me whole. Because, well, you know what that leads to. I've learned to cope, and hide this very well. Besides keeping everyone at arm's length (he picked up on that too), I have two parts: the girl that everyone sees who's generally laid back and easy going and fun; and the girl that's just surviving day to day.

He went over how we'd go about diagnosing me, if it was something biological combined with my environment, or mostly just my environment making me this miserable. Its not just depression, he's sure of that. Its been going on way too long for it to just be depression. I have a disorder that needs figuring out. He did warn me that depending on what Im finally diagnosed with, it very well could require medication, which I am willing to take, once we figure out what's wrong with me. Im not just going to go on Paxil to cover up my emotions and mask my issues. That might work for some people, but in my situation it would just be like putting a bandaid over a bullet wound.

As he was wrapping things up, he looked at me and said "You know you cant work, right", and I agreed, because I know Im not capable of going back to work at this point, and then he followed it up with "And you're not going back to *workplace*" and I am totally okay with this. This means that I will be off of work for a full year, eligible for Employment Insurance benefits, and then after that its up to him whether or not I'll be able to go back to working somewhere. If not, I suppose he'll make sure I start recieving a mental cheque.

Im not just the sad little girl in the background, I have real problems that arent my fault. It makes me angry when people who really have no idea, pass judgements about how I should be or how I should handle things. Think I should have "just got over" finding out my ex cheated when he was with me? Go fuck yourself, you have no idea what I go through every day, and what I went through with him. When he was away fucking someone else, he was also being such a dickhead to me I was depressed to the point where I resorted to cutting myself (and if you think "just walk away" was the easy answer, you're actually clueless). You dont "just get over" things like that when you get depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts (yes, you read that right, I get to the point where I just want to die). Sometimes people's selfish choices can do a lot of harm in other people's lives. Its only now that Im talking to him again and making him realize what even finding out years later actually did to me, thats helping me deal with it in a constructive manner.

People who blame dormant friendships on the fact that I get introverted when I get depressed? Grow up, things work two ways, and its those people who are determined not to be kept at an arms length who I know are really my friends. Im willing to accept those friendships that wax and wane due to my depression, I am fully willing to accept that that can happen to friendships. I am not offended by the idea that some people just dont understand what Im dealing with, and cant handle it. What bothers me is when people arent willing to accept the idea that sometimes lifestyle changes cause friendships to wane, and just use me as a scapegoat because I withdraw.

Oh, and before anybody gets their panties in a bunch, the above wasnt directed at anyone in particular, especially anyone that I know actually reads this. That would be just childish. Im generalizing because people have been dropping like flies since I've been off work, and apparently that makes it okay to talk shit about me behind my back? It makes me tired.