He pegged me as soon as I walked in the door pretty much. I had never actually gone to see a psychiatrist before, so I wasnt exactly sure what to expect, but he was warm and friendly and inviting and funny, and most of all he was comfortable. As I was walking in and sitting down he said "You're soft, you go out of your way doing everything for everyone else, and always put yourself last", which is very true about me. Obviously he had read the notes from when I went to the nuthouse in April, but he's good enough at what he does to be able to get insight about me without ever having met me.

Over the course of the conversation, he made somewhat of a dramatic realization. He looked at me and said "Your life has just been simply survival, and I dont know how you've done it the last twenty years." Meaning? The environment I live in has kept me in a perpetual state of depression for most of my life, and despite having ups and downs, I spend my entire life just fighting the urge to allow the depression to swallow me whole. Because, well, you know what that leads to. I've learned to cope, and hide this very well. Besides keeping everyone at arm's length (he picked up on that too), I have two parts: the girl that everyone sees who's generally laid back and easy going and fun; and the girl that's just surviving day to day.

He went over how we'd go about diagnosing me, if it was something biological combined with my environment, or mostly just my environment making me this miserable. Its not just depression, he's sure of that. Its been going on way too long for it to just be depression. I have a disorder that needs figuring out. He did warn me that depending on what Im finally diagnosed with, it very well could require medication, which I am willing to take, once we figure out what's wrong with me. Im not just going to go on Paxil to cover up my emotions and mask my issues. That might work for some people, but in my situation it would just be like putting a bandaid over a bullet wound.

As he was wrapping things up, he looked at me and said "You know you cant work, right", and I agreed, because I know Im not capable of going back to work at this point, and then he followed it up with "And you're not going back to *workplace*" and I am totally okay with this. This means that I will be off of work for a full year, eligible for Employment Insurance benefits, and then after that its up to him whether or not I'll be able to go back to working somewhere. If not, I suppose he'll make sure I start recieving a mental cheque.

Im not just the sad little girl in the background, I have real problems that arent my fault. It makes me angry when people who really have no idea, pass judgements about how I should be or how I should handle things. Think I should have "just got over" finding out my ex cheated when he was with me? Go fuck yourself, you have no idea what I go through every day, and what I went through with him. When he was away fucking someone else, he was also being such a dickhead to me I was depressed to the point where I resorted to cutting myself (and if you think "just walk away" was the easy answer, you're actually clueless). You dont "just get over" things like that when you get depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts (yes, you read that right, I get to the point where I just want to die). Sometimes people's selfish choices can do a lot of harm in other people's lives. Its only now that Im talking to him again and making him realize what even finding out years later actually did to me, thats helping me deal with it in a constructive manner.

People who blame dormant friendships on the fact that I get introverted when I get depressed? Grow up, things work two ways, and its those people who are determined not to be kept at an arms length who I know are really my friends. Im willing to accept those friendships that wax and wane due to my depression, I am fully willing to accept that that can happen to friendships. I am not offended by the idea that some people just dont understand what Im dealing with, and cant handle it. What bothers me is when people arent willing to accept the idea that sometimes lifestyle changes cause friendships to wane, and just use me as a scapegoat because I withdraw.

Oh, and before anybody gets their panties in a bunch, the above wasnt directed at anyone in particular, especially anyone that I know actually reads this. That would be just childish. Im generalizing because people have been dropping like flies since I've been off work, and apparently that makes it okay to talk shit about me behind my back? It makes me tired.

2 Comments:

 Marcus said...

I agree with you Jenna. People should just learn to mind their own business. I don't think any less of people that are take meds for depression. I know that it is a medical condition.... I hope that you get better soon....mma

Sunday, July 08, 2007 12:10:00 a.m.  

 Rinstah said...

i can honestly say i'm glad you went to the dr. i was scared that maybe you'd be to scared or something. it really helps to have someone tell you that its NOT your fault. to finally know the truth.

the fact that OTHER people feel the need to blame you for sticking around while he was fucking someone else is sick. the other person knew about you and didn't care, and the fact that she reads your private thoughts bugs me, a lot. mostly because then she gets herself all in a titter enough to bitch about your post in not so many words. it was 5 years ago, yes, but its fresh to you. ugh.

and the other one talking about you? well. that was just taken care of. tlc takes care of her own she makes sure of it.

*hugs* your an amazing person miss jenna, don't you ever forget that. a few bumps in the road is what makes you - you. crazy or not - i'll love you just the same.

Sunday, July 08, 2007 1:58:00 a.m.  

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