• Save for a few incidents, life has actually been good lately. And, when I say incidents, I mean issues that had me really upset at the time, shaking even, but once I got a chance to vent to him about it I felt better. I realized tonight that the fact that I can vent to him means that I at least trust him that much. Then again, he doesnt get defensive over things, perhaps because I dont just bring shit up out of nowhere. Usually when I bring something up its the result of something happening to make me upset, and when I say upset, I mean to the point where Im curled up in the fetal position crying on his couch. I used to just hold things in, but I've been working on letting things out so that I dont drive myself crazy over the little things. I think part of the reason that I've even gotten so close to him again is because in the time we were apart, he became adult enough to have taken responsibility for his actions and that is something that I can respect. Some people may never see past themselves, but honestly, that's not my problem. Apologies are useless, all I ever needed was for someone to stand up and say "You know what, you didnt fucking deserve that", and he's done that. He understands where Im coming from and why I get as upset as I do, and he's validated how I feel. Im fully entitled to feel the way that I do about things that happened, even though they're in the past. A little validation can do wonders for one's healing process. Dont get ahead of yourself, though, some things will never be forgiven, ever. Its still too soon to say whether or not I will ever fully trust him again, but I like where we're at right now. I am able to to vent to him and to confide in him, and I know that if the chips were down he'd have my back.
  

• Enough about that, summer is finally here! July was shitty for the first two weeks, but for the last week almost, the weather has been sunny and hot and gorgeous and I've finally gotten to go swimming. Mind you, I couldnt swim before Tuesday because my body decided that this weekend was the perfect time to become a woman. Luckily I only had four days of "not being pregnant", during which I could lounge next to the pool and work on my tan. Tuesday I finally could get into the pool, and try out my new bikini*. Between the last two days I've started to get a nice golden tan. I can tell because my boobs are little white triangles. Its kinda cute. Even if I find my tankinis, I dont know if I'd even wear them because Im really liking this tanning business. My self-confidence shows itself in weird ways, I generally hate my body and Im normally really self conscious, but I have no problem being around my friends in a two piece bikini. I havent disillusioned myself into thinking that Im not overweight, or that I have the body to actually pull off a bikini, but fuck it, there are girls bigger than I am who wear less clothes than I do. Besides, Im swimming at a friend's pool, where the only people who see me are people who I am obviously really comfortable around.

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