As ridiculously gaggy as it may be, never in my life have I felt so... um, loved as I have last night. I mean, I've known for a couple of months that he loved me, even before he told me. I could tell just by the way he looked at me, but I refused to allow myself to have feelings in return. I fought it because I am so damaged, not just from him, but in general, and I was afraid that it would turn into what we had before. I needed to sort things through in my head to decide if it was what I really wanted, or if it was just something comfortable to cling to. People stay in, and go back to (emotionally) abusive relationships all the time, but I didnt want to be one of those people. I needed to know for sure that he was actually different. There's only going to be a couple of people who understand why, but when he came here and washed dishes for me it confirmed that he is being genuine, and I owed it to myself to see if it could actually go somewhere.

I can understand why some people may not agree with or understand my decision. Most people just look at the cheating, and yes that's what hurts right now, but I had no proof of that while I was with him, it wasnt why I was miserable, and it wasnt why I ended the relationship. We've talked that all through, about what happened to make it go sour, and Im to the point where I understand it enough to be at peace with it. That's what I need to do to get over things, understand them, because what happens is I mull things over in my head trying to work it out, and I get all these questions that I need satisfied before I can actually put it to rest.

Which naturally brings us back to the cheating. I had an entire year of being able to work on getting myself over the rest of it before this even came into play, and to know me is to know that I feel things too much. I hurt too much, so really, its no surprise that Im still dealing with this shit now. Its not like I like being like this, but I think after last night I might be able to put that part of it to rest and I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. We talked about it, and I mean really talked about it. I was asking questions that I know most people wouldnt ask, for fear of what the answers would be, but I needed to know. I needed to get this shit out of my head. It all boiled down to something simple that was holding me back. It came down to one thing, why wasnt I good enough? What was wrong with me? This brings us back to the beginning of my post, where I've never felt so loved, and it wasnt what he was saying, but the way he was saying it and the look of genuine sincerity in his eyes. I'll never be over it because I'll never understand it, but I think I can put it away, at least with him. Im okay with him, and that's enough for me right now.

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