Well, today's been interesting so far, no?

Wow, my stats are up, I guess tragedy does draw a crowd. If you're reading because you actually are curious to see how Im doing, thank you. If you're just hanging around to see if I finally give in and off myself, well, obviously I havent. Sorry, I'll try harder. What surprises me is that there is a LOT of local people who read, many more than I actually know about. This actually makes me curious, and somewhat amused, especially since you're all coming here directly, and not clicking on a link on another page.

Question: Is it wrong to want to screw a guy just to get someone else out of your head? My conscience tells me it is, but my ladyparts are telling me just to find someone and screw 'em.

Friday I even woke up in a good mood. I got the kitchen tidied and did some other stuff around the house. In the evening I went into the mall with KW to pick up a birthday present for Corrine, then we went to Swiss Chalet to eat, then to KG's place to pick something up and have a little visit. It was a great night. Sometime after midnight though, my body decided to go into full on anxiety attack. Anxiety attack in general is one thing, but anxiety attack at like 1am, when you're alone in your bedroom with nowhere to go is quite another thing. I ended up messaging Mr. Man, whom I hadnt really talked a whole lot to in the past week, and he let me just talk myself down. I would have preferred to not be alone in my room on the internet, but times like this you need to take what you can get. Actually, he did volunteer that if he hadnt already had a couple of beers, he would have come and picked me up. I made it through though. He and I were up talking until past 3am, long after I had calmed down. It was good.

When I woke up Saturday afternoon I remembered that I still had a bit of running around to do for Corrine's birthday, so KW came with me again and did that, then I went up to Corrine's for BBQ and ice cream cake with her and Steve. We stayed and had some laughs at the TV. It was a good day, minus my mother being a selfish bitch, but lately that's nothing new.

I havent gotten out of bed yet today, so we'll see what's to come.

Today isnt a good day. Im tired of being too depressed to function.

It was when she asked me when the last time I ever felt happy, that it really hit home. I've never actually felt happy, never that I can ever remember. I knew I was making the right choice, I cant live like this any longer. Today, you see, I broke down and walked into the ER of the Regional hospital and admitted that I needed to talk to someone about the overwhelming sadness and anxiety that I've just gotten sick of dealing with on my own. My breakdown that I took a week ago wasnt the first one, not by any means. I've been dealing with this as long as I can remember. The first time I wrote a suicide note was when I was 13 years old. How I've managed to get this far without having sought help before, I really have no idea. Today was maybe the best decision I've ever made.

What happened on the Virginia Tech campus last week was a tragedy. But, like what happened at Columbine eight years ago, I refuse to jump on the bandwagon and just call the shooter evil and deranged. Obviously dude had issues, but I think this article sums it up well.

Also, this thread at Daily Kos felt like it was written by me.

We atheists do not believe in gods, or angels, or demons, or souls that endure, or a meeting place after all is said and done where more can be said and done and the point of it all revealed. We don’t believe in the possibility of redemption after our lives, but the necessity of compassion in our lives. We believe in people, in their joys and pains, in their good ideas and their wit and wisdom. We believe in human rights and dignity, and we know what it is for those to be trampled on by brutes and vandals. We may believe that the universe is pitilessly indifferent but we know that friends and strangers alike most certainly are not. We despise atrocity, not because a god tells us that it is wrong, but because if not massacre then nothing could be wrong.

So last week's hookup was really friggin random. He'll be referred to as Mr. Man for now because I dont care to broadcast his identity across the entire internet for reasons which are somewhat complicated and I just dont feel like going there right now. Back to my story. It was Easter Sunday and I was home chillin and talkin to people online, killing time on an otherwise boring evening. It was KW's birthday and she was having a few drinks at home with her brother, and I decided that, fuck it, I was off the next day, I'll have a cooler before bed. We'll blame it all on the liquor.

Myself, and most of my girls have been really guy frustrated lately, and we were all talkin that night about such frustrations, which propmted to set my MSN personal message to something like "guys suck, yes all of you". Somewhere about midnight, Mr. Man (who had been out for the evening) messages me with "i dont suck, i lick" (I know, Mr Romantic obviously). Keep in mind, now, he and I have never flirted. We've had coversations about off colour topics, but it was alwas general conversation, never actually directed toward one another. When I received his message though, I thought fuck it, and basically told him to shut it because I hadnt had any in a while. So for the next hour the conversation pretty much went along the lines of "Im horny" "Yeah, me too" "Yeah, this sucks" until he finally came out and asked me if I wanted to go fool around. If you knew how I already felt about him, you'd know that I wouldnt have said no regardless. So I gave him an affirmive answer and he pretty much bolted out the door.

It was almost half past one in the morning when he picked me up, and we went out to that place where you can see the lighthouse and sat and just talked for like an hour and a half as if we were just hangin out. Then at about 3am he made his move and kissed me, and didnt stop kissing me the whole time. Even after he finished, he stayed inside me, kissing me. The sex itself might not have been stellar (first time sex with someone in car, remember), but the kissing got me. Im very much a kisser and usually have to ask to be kissed during, so him doing that automatically was very much a turn on. Obviously it, and him, has been stuck in my head since that night.

So, what about since then? Well, things havent changed between he and I. The hookup hadnt been brought up for a couple of days, so I brought it up myself and asked if it was just something random that we were gonna forget about, and he said no, not unless I wanted to. Well, obviously not. So I followed that up by asking if it was going to happen again, to which he replied, that it basically fell onto whether or not I wanted to. Again, we know the answer to that. So that's pretty much where it sits. I'd been interested in hooking up with him for a while now, but always worried about what it would do to the dynamic that we already had, but it hasnt changed anything. So we'll see what happens, and where it will go. Im playing my cards close to my chest for this one. I dont want to build myself up, or try and rush anything along. I like him as a person too much to fuck things up.

So.... how are things? Its been a while, huh? I can explain that. Coming to the realization that I was essentially being cyber-stalked by you know who, required me taking a step back for a little while and reevaluating what I do and what I dont post. The new Blogger has the option to set my blog to be password protected, but I refuse to do that. I am not the lesser person here, and while I may be posting differently, I still have nothing to hide. To each their own, but I've always felt that when it comes to blogging, if you dont want the world to know it, maybe it should be kept off of the internet. That will not change.

When I get a spare moment of energy I'll fill you in on my last post.

He fucked me. Corrine, he fucked me. He picked me up, and we parked, and he fucked me in the front seat of his car. The performance wasnt stellar, but it'll do for now. Call me for details ;)

hello
my name is dirty mary
your horny secretary
i'll be whatever you want me to be
i can be a motherfuckin slut
you simply have to ask it
and you will see this mary gettin nasty

Im not dead, but my router is. This means my internet time is fairly limited when Im not at work, and when I am at work I really dont have it in me to come up with anything. Perhaps when I get wireless back my muse will come with it.