its all a beautiful blur

{Monday, July 7}
Very interesting.
Other researchers are studying the ways in which depression interferes with basic bodily processes, such as sleeping, sex drive, and weight control. Like the paralyzing sadness, which remains the most obvious manifestation of the mental illness, these symptoms are also byproducts of a brain that's literally withering away.
Maybe that explains why I've put on weight, and lost my sex drive within the last few months. I have been quite depressed, afterall.

{Sunday, June 29}

{Monday, June 23}
Im not dead, I promise.

{Tuesday, May 27} It just wont end.
So, all of last week I was holed up in my bedroom fairly depressed. The bleeding, while moderate to light, was not stopping. Saturday night he and I went to a party at his friend's house, where I proceeded to get hammered and actually have a good time. Sunday afternoon the heavy bleeding started again. Im talking about the heavy bleeding I suffered through on Mother's Day, passing tissue and clots and whatnot. Sunday it was manageable. Monday morning it started again, and lasted most of the day. It was at its worst after supper yesterday, where it was just a constant gush of blood for almost two hours. He came over to visit me and at that point I had lost all of my color, and I was getting all lightheaded and sick. So we headed up to the ER.

We ended up being there for a total of three hours, but during that time the doctor on call did a physical examination (my cervix is still closed for those who were wondering), and had the lab take bloodwork. Most of the time we were waiting was for the bloodwork results to come back, but when they did, my HCG was at 8, and my hemoglobin was at the very low end of the "normal" range, and the doctor sent me home and told me that if Im not finished bleeding in a week to follow up with my family doctor.

So, today I still feel like crap, but the bleeding has lessened to a manageable menstrual amount. I got a call from my family doctor's office, wanting to follow up with the ER visit. My appointment is in two days, when normally it takes weeks to get an appointment, so Im assuming he saw something in the bloodwork that he didnt like, but I guess I'll find out on Thursday. In the meantime, a nap sounds in order.

{Friday, May 16} Also, your mechanic is a pony.
So, I've totally been into LOLcats since ages now, but today this one made me laugh out loud.


Keep breathing, just keep breathing.
Im currently on day seven of bleeding. Never again am I going to complain about my period.

I was doing okay for a few days, but yesterday and today I've been taking it really hard. I guess the realization that Im not having a baby has finally set in, and its heartbreaking. I dont want to not have a baby, I dont want to not be pregnant. Yesterday, I just spent the morning sobbing to the point where I exhausted myself for the rest of the day. Its one of those things, where really, if you've never had it happen to you, you wont really understand.

But, on the upside, the support that I've gotten from people has been overwhelming. My girls were right there immediately, and I've been getting messages and comments and stuff from a lot of people, some who I never would have expected. Its somewhat overwhelming, but it eases things a little.

I saw my pre-natal doctor yesterday for the last time. She told me that she suggests waiting three full menstrual cycles before starting to try again. Assuming that my cycles are going to start immediately when this is finished, it still means that we wont be able to start trying again before September. Its only May!


I suppose I could look at it on the bright side, if I go to any get togethers all summer, I can have a drink, or if there's anyone good bar shows, I can go and enjoy myself, and I wont be big and pregnant during the hottest days of the summer. But, when all is said and done, I'd still rather be pregnant.

{Tuesday, May 13} Its over.
So, for weeks I had a feeling that something wasnt right regarding my pregnancy. I didnt feel like I was having the symptoms that I should have been, I wasnt getting any bigger (at my last appointment I was down four pounds), and at both appointments where they tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler they couldnt. Everyone was reassuring me that I shouldnt worry, that I should think positively, that symptoms taper off for a while during the second trimester, that tons of girls lose weight and dont pop until later, that you're not guaranteed to hear the heartbeat before sixteen weeks. I tried my hardest to put it all out of my head, but trust me, thats easier said than done.

Saturday afternoon I went to pee and noticed I was spotting, nothing heavy, and I tried not to get over worked up right away. Tons of people have light spotting during pregnancy and turn out fine. I monitored it for a couple of hours, and when it wasnt tapering off I decided it was best for me go to into the ER for them to have a look. So we got to the ER a little after 5pm, it didnt take long at all to get through triage and registered and then called in. The on call doctor came in after a short while with a portable ultrasound machine, and immediately warned me that he's not an expert at ultrasound but he'd do his best. After a few minutes of trying, he couldnt see anything, and figured it was because my bladder was empty (an ultrasound works best on a full bladder), so he was going to have me fill my bladder and get a radiologist in to do an ultrasound on me on the big machine.

So I get moved into a different room (without a bathroom) and Im forced to drink a litre of tap water. There's a reason I dont drink tap water, and its because sometimes the taste of the fluoride is too strong and gags me, this was the case on Saturday. It was disgusting, but I drank a whole litre of it, then was left to sit there for ages and ages. I thought I was going to pee right there on the stretcher, I was really to the point where I just couldnt hold it anymore when someone finally came in and told me they were ready for me in ultrasound. So, we trekked down there, and I went into the room with the tech, and he had to wait out in the hall. During the ultrasound, I tried to see what was on the screen, but she had it facing toward her, and from what I could kind of see, it didnt look to me like the normal ultrasounds I've seen before. Combine that with her not talking to me at all while she was doing the ultrasound, and I just knew. So, once that's done she tells to go pee so she can do a trans vaginal ultrasound, and when I peed I was bleeding a lot more than I had been, it was like I was starting my period. Really, I didnt even need to wait for the results. So she does the trans vaginal, and then sends me back to the ER while she sends the results to an OB who will then contact the on call doctor.

I dont know how long we waited in the ER for the doctor to come back, but it felt like a lifetime. I was crying on and off because I knew what they were going to come back and tell me, while he was pacing around and getting agitated that it was taking them so long. Finally the doctor comes back, and tells us what I knew all along, that while my uterus was enlarged, and they found stuff in there, they couldnt find evidence of a fetus with a heartbeat.

We went home, devastated and did our best to sleep.

Sunday morning, we had to go back in and meet with the OB so she could actually explain what happened (and do a D&C if needed). I woke up, and rolled on my back, and felt a gush, so I got up and ran to the bathroom and passed my first clot. If you've never experienced this, they're big, like almost the size of a golf ball. I got him to take me home so I could shower and get ready, and we got to the hospital for 9am, and after I checked in with triage and registered I went to the bathroom there and passed my second clot. The bleeding pretty much subsided for a while at that point. It wasnt until about half past eleven before we got in to see the OB, and she told us that what the ultrasound showed was my pregnancy resulted in a blighted ovum, and then she examined me to see if my cervix had opened up, since I was passing clots. It wasnt, which I guess is good. She also did up a paper for me to get bloodwork yesterday to followup (to check hormone levels), and told me to go to my previously scheduled doctor appointment on Thursday for a follow up, and they may or may not follow up with another ultrasound. She didnt even mention a D&C, probably because things had started passing on their own naturally. Then we were sent home.

I spent a good couple of hours in bed, trying to catch up on the sleep that I didnt get the night before, but starting around three or four in the afternoon, my body decided it was time to actually get rid of all of that stuff. While the cramping wasnt bad at all, the gushing blood and the passing clots was the most disgusting thing I've ever put my body through. I stayed in my bedroom until it was over, only because the bathroom is right next door, and I could just get up and run. I still went through three pairs of pajama pants, between four and six maxi pads, and four rolls of toilet paper, but I passed the last clot sometime between eight and nine at night, and since then its only been slight bleeding. I woke up Monday morning with the worst cramping I've ever felt in my life, but with the absence of a lot of blood, or any clotting, Im just assuming that it was my uterus trying to shrink down to its original size.

Emotionally, Im doing alright. While Im still sad that my pregnancy isnt going to result in an infant, the idea that a baby never really developed, is easier to swallow than had there actually been a fetus growing in there that died. I think the mental transition from being pregnant, to not being pregnant is going to be the hardest part, and while its not recommended to try and concieve again until at least two full cycles after a miscarriage, I really dont see us waiting all that long before trying again. When you get used to the idea that there's a baby coming, its hard to let that go, and like always, sometimes you dont realize how badly you want something until its over.

{Sunday, May 11} .
Cruelty is having a miscarriage on Mother's Day.

Its over.

I cant talk about it yet.

{Saturday, May 10} Seriously?
Because worrying about slight spotting is exactly what I need to do today. Yeah, color me terrified.

Im miserable. I wish I could go back to bed and wake up and just be happy. Like, right now, I just want to sit and cry and I have no real reason to. I cant explain it, but I find myself withdrawing and not wanting to talk about it all. So, in the end I only end up feeling lonely. Guh, why cant things just be easy?

{Wednesday, May 7} Ooo pictures!
So, since my due date was changed Im technically fifteen weeks now. Here is a terrible shot of my belly at fifteen weeks. Take note of the dog, who hardly lets me walk the length of myself without her being at my heels now. Also, if you look closely, you can see my enormous breasts bubbling out over the top of my shirt. Im running out of brassieres that actually hold them in now. Oh, also note that this picture was taken on an empty stomach, and Im sucking in everything that I can.

15 weeks

{Tuesday, May 6} The auto save is starting to get annoying.
So Im at that stage in my pregnancy where there's not much of anything going on. Everything happens mostly in the first and third trimesters, and all that really happens in the second is that you start getting bigger. I have yet to start to really show, so I have myself convinced that something's gone wrong. I cant bring it up to him because he just gives me the "Oh dont worry about it" line, which, the only thing that could irritate me more would be if he were patting me on the head while he said it. He might not like it, but I've always been a pessimist. I panic and I freak out and I convince myself that the worst possible scenario is what is going to happen, that way Im fully prepared to deal with the worst. And if Im prepared for the worst, Im prepared for anything. That's how I am and its how I've always been. If I get my hopes up, Im just setting myself up for a let down, and in this situation, if Im blindsided by something bad, I dont think I could even begin to describe the heartbreak. I mean, really, I have yet to hear the heartbeat, and my ultrasound isnt until another two weeks, so Im laying low until then. Until I have tangible evidence that everything is fine, Im going to prepare for the worst, regardless of what anyone else says.

But, assuming that this pregnancy is going to result in an infant, we have to consider things like names and such. Im a snot (there could be a period right there, but I'll keep going) when it comes to names. I was the only Jenna in my class, ever. Throughout all of my school years, there wasnt a Jenna in my class, or any of the grades above or below me for a few years. I think there was a Jenna in my brother's grade, but he's four years younger. I dont want to give my child a name that he/she will share with fifteen other people in their school. The boy name that I adored, was used by a cousin a few years back, so that's off of my list. My boyfriend is already after talking me out of all of the other boy names that I loved. We tossed around names for a while and he suggested a boy name that's alright. Im not head over heels about it, but it'll do I guess. I liked it better when it was originally brought up than I do now, but whatever. Everybody already knows what it is, but no Im not going to announce it here because Im someone who feels that name choices are personal and should be kept private until the time comes, but whatever I guess. We'll probably end up using that name, assuming its a boy (which everyone already is assuming).

To answer your question, no we're not discussing girl names. For years I've always known what name I would give a daughter, and even now that Im pregnant and actually have to contemplate these things, there are still no other names that I would use on a girl. None. Im serious, I have one girl name, and that's it. Well, no, I have a name that I would use for a second daughter, but I would have to use the two names in that particular order. So, he decided that my name wasnt an option, and that was upsetting enough, but if we'd try and discuss it he'd just insult it, and the whole thing would end up with me in tears. And I could have maimed him when he told me that he actually told someone what my name was, guys just dont get that part of it. Nonetheless, I put my foot down and decided that we simply cannot have a girl because she would not have a name.

Hi, my name is Jenna and Im hormonal.

Im going to tell you a secret, pregnant women are raving lunatics. Raving lunatics. See, I even stressed it for you. You really dont want to get on the bad side of a woman who is pregnant. Its starting to be evident in the severe road rage that I now get. I think it has to do with the combination of the hormones, and the fact that we get to spend most of a year being poked and prodded and weighed and measured like a prize heifer. Im tired all of the time, I spend twelve hours of my day in my bed. While I dont look pregnant, most of my clothes are getting snug and I just feel fat. I havent wanted to have sex in ages, because, hey, Im exhausted and fat. And hormonal. The hormones could probably be blamed for the lack of sex drive too. Dont take that to mean that I dont want him touching me, on the contrary, I crave physical intimacy that isnt sexual. He, on the other hand, has a very hard time with being physically intimate and it not get sexual. Maybe my sex drive will come back at some point, I've heard it does, with a vengeance. Until then, Im going to go snuggle myself to sleep.

its all a beautiful blur

I am a twenty-seven year old Canadian girl. This is my blog.

Skin and tragedy always attract a crowd. (June 18th, 1976 by Pedro the Lion)

I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.
(Breathe (2am) by Anna Nalick)

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