So, for weeks I had a feeling that something wasnt right regarding my pregnancy. I didnt feel like I was having the symptoms that I should have been, I wasnt getting any bigger (at my last appointment I was down four pounds), and at both appointments where they tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler they couldnt. Everyone was reassuring me that I shouldnt worry, that I should think positively, that symptoms taper off for a while during the second trimester, that tons of girls lose weight and dont pop until later, that you're not guaranteed to hear the heartbeat before sixteen weeks. I tried my hardest to put it all out of my head, but trust me, thats easier said than done.

Saturday afternoon I went to pee and noticed I was spotting, nothing heavy, and I tried not to get over worked up right away. Tons of people have light spotting during pregnancy and turn out fine. I monitored it for a couple of hours, and when it wasnt tapering off I decided it was best for me go to into the ER for them to have a look. So we got to the ER a little after 5pm, it didnt take long at all to get through triage and registered and then called in. The on call doctor came in after a short while with a portable ultrasound machine, and immediately warned me that he's not an expert at ultrasound but he'd do his best. After a few minutes of trying, he couldnt see anything, and figured it was because my bladder was empty (an ultrasound works best on a full bladder), so he was going to have me fill my bladder and get a radiologist in to do an ultrasound on me on the big machine.

So I get moved into a different room (without a bathroom) and Im forced to drink a litre of tap water. There's a reason I dont drink tap water, and its because sometimes the taste of the fluoride is too strong and gags me, this was the case on Saturday. It was disgusting, but I drank a whole litre of it, then was left to sit there for ages and ages. I thought I was going to pee right there on the stretcher, I was really to the point where I just couldnt hold it anymore when someone finally came in and told me they were ready for me in ultrasound. So, we trekked down there, and I went into the room with the tech, and he had to wait out in the hall. During the ultrasound, I tried to see what was on the screen, but she had it facing toward her, and from what I could kind of see, it didnt look to me like the normal ultrasounds I've seen before. Combine that with her not talking to me at all while she was doing the ultrasound, and I just knew. So, once that's done she tells to go pee so she can do a trans vaginal ultrasound, and when I peed I was bleeding a lot more than I had been, it was like I was starting my period. Really, I didnt even need to wait for the results. So she does the trans vaginal, and then sends me back to the ER while she sends the results to an OB who will then contact the on call doctor.

I dont know how long we waited in the ER for the doctor to come back, but it felt like a lifetime. I was crying on and off because I knew what they were going to come back and tell me, while he was pacing around and getting agitated that it was taking them so long. Finally the doctor comes back, and tells us what I knew all along, that while my uterus was enlarged, and they found stuff in there, they couldnt find evidence of a fetus with a heartbeat.

We went home, devastated and did our best to sleep.

Sunday morning, we had to go back in and meet with the OB so she could actually explain what happened (and do a D&C if needed). I woke up, and rolled on my back, and felt a gush, so I got up and ran to the bathroom and passed my first clot. If you've never experienced this, they're big, like almost the size of a golf ball. I got him to take me home so I could shower and get ready, and we got to the hospital for 9am, and after I checked in with triage and registered I went to the bathroom there and passed my second clot. The bleeding pretty much subsided for a while at that point. It wasnt until about half past eleven before we got in to see the OB, and she told us that what the ultrasound showed was my pregnancy resulted in a blighted ovum, and then she examined me to see if my cervix had opened up, since I was passing clots. It wasnt, which I guess is good. She also did up a paper for me to get bloodwork yesterday to followup (to check hormone levels), and told me to go to my previously scheduled doctor appointment on Thursday for a follow up, and they may or may not follow up with another ultrasound. She didnt even mention a D&C, probably because things had started passing on their own naturally. Then we were sent home.

I spent a good couple of hours in bed, trying to catch up on the sleep that I didnt get the night before, but starting around three or four in the afternoon, my body decided it was time to actually get rid of all of that stuff. While the cramping wasnt bad at all, the gushing blood and the passing clots was the most disgusting thing I've ever put my body through. I stayed in my bedroom until it was over, only because the bathroom is right next door, and I could just get up and run. I still went through three pairs of pajama pants, between four and six maxi pads, and four rolls of toilet paper, but I passed the last clot sometime between eight and nine at night, and since then its only been slight bleeding. I woke up Monday morning with the worst cramping I've ever felt in my life, but with the absence of a lot of blood, or any clotting, Im just assuming that it was my uterus trying to shrink down to its original size.

Emotionally, Im doing alright. While Im still sad that my pregnancy isnt going to result in an infant, the idea that a baby never really developed, is easier to swallow than had there actually been a fetus growing in there that died. I think the mental transition from being pregnant, to not being pregnant is going to be the hardest part, and while its not recommended to try and concieve again until at least two full cycles after a miscarriage, I really dont see us waiting all that long before trying again. When you get used to the idea that there's a baby coming, its hard to let that go, and like always, sometimes you dont realize how badly you want something until its over.

1 Comments:

 Christophe said...

Nothing I can say is going to make any damn bit of difference but hang in there kid and you did great by the way...

And like you said, at least now you know it's something you're into... That's alot more than most can say...

Tuesday, May 13, 2008 8:22:00 p.m.  

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