Its the middle of the night, and again sleep is something which apparently Im not entitled to at the moment. It isnt like I sleep all day or anything, the latest I ever sleep is 11am, and yesterday I was awake before that. I dont nap in the afternoon or evening, so there really isnt a good reason for me to not be able to sleep at night. Yet, here I am, wide awake. There's just something niggling at the back of my mind that I cant quite put my finger on. It might be that the dishes havent been done in ages and it makes regular kitchen work difficult. Maybe its the thought of having to be up at an ungodly hour to take my mother to the pain clinic four days a week starting next week. Actually, that's probably it, not the having to get up early, but the fact that, as time passes, she gets more and more dependent, especially on me. To say its overwhelming can be an understatement at times. And really, its not her that makes it really hard, its my father. Im not going to bother delving into things, but suffice it to say that if he was out west (where we'd all like him to be) there would be a lot less stress on me and this house. As stressful as it can be, I can handle having to parent my mother when he's not around treating me like Im nothing more than a serf.
Sometimes I wonder if Im just giving up by allowing her to become so dependent on me in my mid-twenties, but when I sit down and think about it I'll honestly be surprised if she's alive in ten years. I dont like to have to admit that, but she has serious health issues now, and I dont see it getting better. Combine it all with her weight and we have to face reality. Dont get me wrong, its not at all that I want to have to essentially give up my life, but there isnt anyone else to do it. If I thought that this place wouldnt fall apart if I moved out, I'd be making plans to go, because damn sometimes i just need a break.
On a side note, I've fallen in love with Mayday Parade. Three Cheers for Five Years has been my favorite song for at least six months now (top played in iTunes), but recently I downloaded all of their songs and have become quite smitten. I'd have to say my new "second-favorite" song by them would have to be The Last Something That Meant Anything.
{Friday, January 18}
When the words take days you can re-write and erase anything
