Its kind of funny how holing up and playing Twilight Princess for a couple of days brought me halfway out of the blahness I've been dealing with the past couple of weeks. Im not "better", but Im not as depressed as I've been. I think it started before Marilou's wedding when I just felt bigger than I was at Corrine's wedding in October. I know I've put on weight, but its nothing noticeable, because my clothes are still fitting me. I put on a pair of jeans today and they fit me like they fit me at exactly this time last year, meaning I only put on the weight I lost last spring and summer. I blame a lot of that on eating a lot more takeout and fast food since I've gotten back together with him, but I'll fully admit that I've eaten more than my share of junk food (especially chocolate) since the holidays. Between visiting people's houses, and my mother insisting on taking advantage of the after Christmas mark-downs, its been bad. And so, despite not being any bigger than I was this time last year, I feel like a whale.
This isnt good for the girl who has serious emotional and self-esteem issues. But whatever, it'll pass, it always does. I think the worst part was dealing with him being frustrated about me not being interested in sex, on top of actually feeling depressed. I mean, he can sit there and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am until he's blue in the face, but if Im really down its not going to help. Sometimes I just need to be left to deal with it myself. When Im depressed, and when I feel hideous, I dont want to have sex, I dont want to make out, I just want a little sensitivity. Faking my way through my depression is totally circa 2003-2005 and it didnt make either one of us happy then, so he's going to have to learn to just back off sometimes.
All girls are crazy, to varying degrees.
But, on the upside, I actually started getting horny earlier this week, and we had really great sex on Thursday night, and I was still wanting as of today, and I dont feel as ugly as I did last week so it seems that Im getting to a more comfortable level with my depression.
Oh, and just to complicate matters, the past couple of months my body has been trying this new thing where I start PMSing pretty much as soon as I ovulate which means that I get a whole two to three weeks of bloating, sore boobs, and fun emotions (it was totally helping the depression as you can well imagine). My girl parts can just fuck right off if you ask me.
{Saturday, January 12}
I'll be fine, I swear. Im just gone beyond repair.
