On Tuesday I went to the ER to see my doctor, and he confirmed what everybody already knew about me, that Im not right in the head. Actually, he called it "depression" but whatever, its all the same thing. I have mental illness so that makes me special or something. Nonetheless, Im fairly textbook when it comes to the depression, but once I finally get to see a head doctor I'll get an exact diagnosis, and hopefully learn how to deal with all of this shit. Im still pretty much the same, some days are good and some days are okay, and some days (like tonight) Im really low, but never fear Im not planning on offing myself anytime soon. Im sure some will be disappointed at that, but hold tight you never really know if that day may come! Yes, I can joke about this, despite it being morbid and sick. I am a morbid and sick individual, even when Im not depressed.
So I've hit the "withdrawn and anti-social" part of my depression. This means that I hardly talk to anyone anymore, except for a select few, and I am pretty much incapable of making a first move, or reaching out to anybody, which is fine. I have come to terms with the fact that this is how I am, and if other people cant handle this part of me I can deal with that. I dont want to make it seem like I can just write people off, but I am more than willing to accept the fact that not everybody understands, and not everybody actually cares enough to hang with me while I go through this shit, and that's fine. I've learned not to stress over it, and Im not saying any of it to be bitchy, Im just being matter-of-fact about the whole thing. This is not the first time I've been depressed, and I've learned to accept these things as just a part of what I have to go through. As it is, I've been fairly fucked up since early December, I've just been hiding it well.
Which is why last Monday's surprise is still way too much for me to mentally even begin to process. The last person I ever thought I would have in my life again, came crashing in, and Im just not ready to start comprehend it and sort through the mixed emotions that I (without a doubt) have. Honestly, Im way too fucked up over everything else, that Im not even ready to talk about it, not here, not yet. I am muddling through, doing my best.
Meanwhile, I strongly recommend everyone listen to the song Black and Blue by Counting Crows and get some sort of insight into how I am when I get like this. Also, listen to the Jeff Buckley cover of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah and think of me, but Im not going to tell you why.
{Sunday, May 6}
Fading everything to black and blue
1 Comments:
Christophe said...
Tuesday, May 08, 2007 6:51:00 a.m.
Christophe said...
Nobody is "right" in the head.
That's because there is no actual right.
There's societal norms but to me, you're fucked up if don't want to deviate from those.
You need something therapeutic to work out issues, I use booze and attempting to make music...
Everybody has to find what works for them, I'm sorry but that's all I have right now.
