I saw my doctor today, mostly to get him to write a note that I wont be ready to go back to work on June 13th. He feels its time for me to be on medication for my depression because I really havent improved since I saw him last. He called the pharmacy and told him to do me up a prescription for Paxil. Its still sitting there, mostly because I dont have the money to pay for it, and because I havent decided if I want it or not. The thing holding me back from seeing someone about my mental health issues all along is that im terrified of just being put on medication to mask it all. I honestly would rather be taught coping skills, than be put on medication and I've said that all along. The last time I saw my doctor he wanted to write me a prescription and I fought him on it. Im under the opinion that as a general populace, we're over medicated and have no real coping skills as to how to actually deal with the pressure of living in a capitalist society. Ugh, I feel like I belong in Girl, Interrupted.

In other news, Corrine's wedding shower was yesterday and it was beautiful, and worth every bit of the work that went into it. Decorating the hall though, was probably one of the best days I've had yet. Coochie, anyone? Im hoping the videos end up on YouTube ;)

I just have no concentration lately. I cant sit and do one thing for very long but I completely lose interest in it. Its not simply being lazy, I just cant concentrate. That, and it would be boring for me to go on about the details of my nights of constantly being on the go. I dont go far, but always moving is a good thing, it doesnt allow my mind to wander to the dark places.

That, and the one somewhat shocking thing that I would normally go into great detail about, upsets certain people so Im just not ready to go there.

This post at Waiter Rant gives me hope.

On Tuesday I went to the ER to see my doctor, and he confirmed what everybody already knew about me, that Im not right in the head. Actually, he called it "depression" but whatever, its all the same thing. I have mental illness so that makes me special or something. Nonetheless, Im fairly textbook when it comes to the depression, but once I finally get to see a head doctor I'll get an exact diagnosis, and hopefully learn how to deal with all of this shit. Im still pretty much the same, some days are good and some days are okay, and some days (like tonight) Im really low, but never fear Im not planning on offing myself anytime soon. Im sure some will be disappointed at that, but hold tight you never really know if that day may come! Yes, I can joke about this, despite it being morbid and sick. I am a morbid and sick individual, even when Im not depressed.

So I've hit the "withdrawn and anti-social" part of my depression. This means that I hardly talk to anyone anymore, except for a select few, and I am pretty much incapable of making a first move, or reaching out to anybody, which is fine. I have come to terms with the fact that this is how I am, and if other people cant handle this part of me I can deal with that. I dont want to make it seem like I can just write people off, but I am more than willing to accept the fact that not everybody understands, and not everybody actually cares enough to hang with me while I go through this shit, and that's fine. I've learned not to stress over it, and Im not saying any of it to be bitchy, Im just being matter-of-fact about the whole thing. This is not the first time I've been depressed, and I've learned to accept these things as just a part of what I have to go through. As it is, I've been fairly fucked up since early December, I've just been hiding it well.

Which is why last Monday's surprise is still way too much for me to mentally even begin to process. The last person I ever thought I would have in my life again, came crashing in, and Im just not ready to start comprehend it and sort through the mixed emotions that I (without a doubt) have. Honestly, Im way too fucked up over everything else, that Im not even ready to talk about it, not here, not yet. I am muddling through, doing my best.

Meanwhile, I strongly recommend everyone listen to the song Black and Blue by Counting Crows and get some sort of insight into how I am when I get like this. Also, listen to the Jeff Buckley cover of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah and think of me, but Im not going to tell you why.

Tonight was too surreal to talk about now. Suffice it to say it was really not how I had planned on spending my evening. It wasnt bad, mind you, just unexpected.

Oh, and I have to give a shout out to Tracy ...and Nick? Wow Im popular ;)