I havent sat and posted anything meaningful in ages. I dont know why exactly, I just havent had the ambition to do so. I dunno, I just feel different I suppose. Different how, I can hear you wondering. I dont know, its hard to put my finger on. I think Im still dealing with the remnants of being fucked with at the beginning of January. Im over him, dont get me wrong, but I'd be lying if I said that I didnt have some insecurity left. And some obvious trust issues. I've settled contentedly back into single life, and I dont miss him at all, but part of me still wishes I had a boy to spend time with. A boy to hang out with and share things. I dont think I need love right now. I mean, we all dream of having it. If you've never heard the song Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's, you should*. I want a boy to love me like that. I want a boy to feel like that about me. I think I've dealt with enough bullshit to deserve it. I deserve to have a boy who genuinely makes me happy, and who genuinely fancies me in return. I dont need love, I'll settle for something casual and fun right now. I just want something honest and real. Im tired of games, and some days I get so frustrated with it all.

I am insecure about my appearance. I have a complex about my weight. Although Im not obese by any means, and I wear *normal* sized clothes, Im still overweight and its all I see when I look in the mirror. I just see fat. Realistically I realize that its doubtful other people see me the way I see myself. We all have our own insecurities, no matter what we look like, and Im not special in that regard. But there are some things which, no matter what we're told, we will never cease to believe. Im probably coming off as if Im really hard on myself, which Im not. Im fairly contented, or at least I've convinced myself that I am. I think I've been too busy patching up what's on the inside to really worry about what's going on on the outside. Although, I never leave the house without my face painted, and I still buy at least one new article of clothing each pay period. I have purchased eight pairs of jeans since October. Is that a lot? Regardless, I can see my appetite slipping away again. It isnt something I do on purpose, and I cant force myself to eat. Its the direct result of stress in my life, and my body doesnt deal well with stress.

Even as Im typing this out its all hitting me and Im sitting here crying. Im the one person who pretty much runs this house and Im still treated like nothing more than a common servant and as much as I try not to let it bring me down, sometimes those things just cannot be helped. You should know me well enough to know that I bottle everything up. I've always lived like "If I dont think bad things, bad things wont happen", so everything gets filed and put away until I have a meltdown and it all comes crashing down. Im a master procrastinator and that only gets worse when I get down on myself. I start to sabotage things, not on purpose even though I know I do it. I cant explain the why in that, its just one more thing to prove that I really should be getting help.

*I can even hook you up via MSN messenger if you provide an address.

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