Okay, so last night about 2am my dad's on the computer and he thought he heard a car door shut but didnt think anything of it (figured it was next door), and then all of a sudden he looks and there's a girl's face in the window. First he thinks its me but when he goes to the door he realizes its one of my brother's friends. He was like um, hi, and she asked if Paul was there. Dad says that Paul's in bed (he went to bed at like 10:30) so she goes "Well can you get him up i have to talk to him". So Dad goes in and Paul wouldnt wake up, he just told Dad to take a message and he'd call her later so Dad goes back to the door and asks what she wants and she was like "Oh he's got a cd that I want and I tried calling him but he didnt answer".

Honestly, who the hell things its acceptable to show up at someone's parent's house at 2am to pick up a movie? She even told my father to wake my brother up. Im sorry, but if one of my friends showed up at my house asking for me to be woken up and it wasnt a crisis situation I would be pissed, which my brother is, obviously. It just shows the special type of people that he hangs around with.

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I recommend the song Misogyny by rusty. They were a Canadian band back in the 90's. I thought of that song yesterday and had the urge to download it. I think Live and The Tea Party last weekend kicked me back to the tunes I was into in highschool. Music was so much better then.

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I got a raise yesterday. I now make a whopping $11/hr. While I am happy about this, I am bothered by the fact that people who have been working there for four months are also making $11/hr, and I will be there four years in October. Beggers shouldnt be choosers, I suppose. The firs thing Im going to do with my wealth is get my new tattoo. Its going to be another butterfly. On my upper back. Dont worry, there'll be photos.

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I want to hook up with someone, but how does one broach that subject? Even though we parted on good terms, and still talk every now and then, it seems awkward to say "Hey, lets have sex!". Combine that with my low self esteem and fear of rejection (does he even like me anymore?) and we have the breakfast of champions. Then again, we have to think, do I want to hook up with him because its him, or because we had something before and its easier to go back to what you know than to find something different? I still dont care to be in a relationship, with anyone, because I am not prepared to give up any part of myself to another person just yet. Yes I am going to make the statement that every relationship causes you to give up something of yourself. I am not going to say that this is always a bad thing. When its the right person, they bring out the best in you, and you want to be your best person when you are with them. But then there are the bad relationships. A year later, Im still running scared and I am not afraid to admit that. I would rather admit that I am running scared than jump into a situation that Im not ready for and cause another person heartache. I've had that done to me and it is not pleasant.

But just because I dont want something emotional, does not mean that this girl doesnt have needs. I havent had sex in months and Im hurtin. I do have a guy friend that would hook up with me in a heartbeat. I know all I would have to do is say the word and he'd be here to get me tonight if I wanted. This is a guy that I know adores me, but I dont consider him anything more than a friend. Dont get me wrong, he's a great guy, but he wants something more than I do, and if I hooked up with him I'd feel like I was taking advantage of him because his feelings are different than mine. Do I feel like I would be taking advantage of the guy I spoke of previously? No. I've had feelings for him previously. We did not end because either one of us stopped liking each other. But then again, I havent seen or been around him since it's been over and who's to say I see him and he's just a friend? Hormones can cloud judgement, and I am the type of person who is so careful not to misstep that I take no steps at all.

My problem, you see, is that if I take the risk and are rejected, I wouldnt be able to be friends with him anymore. It would knock me down a few notches, and my self esteem is low enough, that I really dont need that kind of hurt. See, I dont whine about it, but I honestly cannot see why anybody else would find me in any ways attractive. I look in the mirror and see fat, even though logically I know Im not big. I always see the ugly in the mirror, regardless of what other people tell me. I dont see what a guy would see in me. I've been told, this week (by a guy), that Im pretty and sexy and have so much to offer someone but I dont see it. I just dont see it and Im tired of feeling like this. I know everybody has something about themself that they dont like, or would change, but Im sick of feeling like Im not good enough and I dont know what to do about it. I will admit, though, that I've had a few days this week where I've felt pretty, and to be quite honest, it is a strange feeling. I am not used to looking in the mirror and thinking "Not half bad". I think its because Im getting more satisfied with my complexion, and I've been looking a bit thinner. I really wish I could have pretty days no matter what I looked like.

Enough whining, bedtime.

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