its taken me a while to post this. But this post is like a mirror that im looking into.

The circumstances are different. Yes, thats true. But i feel the same way.

Im scared of small changes, i always have been. so now im a mess.

to ask people out for coffee, is still i big step for me. I find it hard to even start convos on messenger. I rarely do.

i still hold stuff back. Lj is just the parts of me that im willing to admit. I hold back so much. Id rather hide and wait for it to end. Most wouldnt think that when they read my lj, and maybe only chris and angela might really have the best idea of how closed off i really can get when i need it the most.

but i guess i should get to the point, which is, its not just you.

I can honestly say that if I were in your position I would be terrified. Even taking the verbally abusive parent out of the picture (I think there's one in every house), I would still be terrified to move out. Its a big step, and I think you're being stronger about it than I would be. I admire you for that. I know that I hold myself back because I am so afraid. I find a comfortable place and I stay there. Comfortable, though, isnt always the best thing, as evidenced by how long I stayed with my ex.

When he and I were first together I used to go to him when I was upset with things. Toward the end though, there was no point, he was no support for me at all, he was in it for what he could get out. At that point I turned to nobody, just inside. I have even noticed that I dont even blog frequently when I am depressed. I seriously wonder sometimes if Im a headcase.

I feel relieved, though, to know that its not just me.

Its a big step, and I think you're being stronger about it than I would be. I admire you for that.

I dont feel strong at all. i sit here and think, "shes gotta be talking about someone else." I feel like im a baby because i cant get over it yet. Some nights i still cry about the fact that im leaving here. Like bawl my eyes out. i still feel like a kid. this has been the only thing ive ever known. I feel like i havent grown up enough to be ready to move out.

Then again, i always felt like i was behind. For years i was sure that i had an actual problem where i just didnt process thoughts at the same level of those around me. Maybe i still do. I feel mentally "slow" or just mentally slower than others. Well that and i always thought little of myself. My self esteem was next to nothing. It always has been. Its only gotten a bit better as of late. But that is in part to the great support systems that i have established over the years.

change is meant to be scary. But i hate that first step. Im fine if i can get a couple steps in. We all face it some way or another. i faced it before. ill face it again. But it will always scare me.

Going back to school i was the same way. I was terrified, yet i wanted it so bad. Yet im back at square one, again as i get ready to go into the next part of my life.

i think we have to admit, our parents were right, we should have cherished our youth. And enjoyed it more. Thats not saying that i want to go back to high school, but i think i would take that, then to have to make all these decisions. This new stuff is so daunting to me.

I feel like i havent grown up enough to be ready to move out.

You hit the nail on the head with that. I dont feel like it has a whole lot to do with maturity level either.

I have a tendancy to feel inadequate. Whether it be physically (self-image), or mentally, I feel inadequate as compared to other people. Another reason I tend to lock myself in my cocoon when facing challenges.

Its funny you mentioning cherishing our youth. The other day I was thinking about how I never really believed the phrase "Youth is wasted on the young" until lately.