Im not jealous that's he's living with the new woman (she can have him). Im depressed because it's only been three months and I dont even have the self confidence to start dating again. There, I said it. I dont have enough confidence in myself to move on. I cant get past Im not pretty enough and Im not thin enough. Logically, I know that Im my own worst critic and that most people probably think that I look fine, but when I look in the mirror I only see the flaws lately. Of course, because if I can see them, that must mean that everyone else can (yes that was sarcastic). I cant see me as someone that a guy would look at, you know what I mean?

I know, I know, its only been three months and Im getting frusterated. I cant help it, in my head I feel like I should be moved on by now and Im not. I cant get past myself to do that. Maybe Im more comfortable when Im depressed. I've been depressed a lot the past ten years or so. I've been really depressed to the point where things have gotten drastic. Things are not drastic now, that's not what Im saying, but you just get used to being a certain way and it gets comfortable. I was comfortable being in a relationship, it was easy to just go through the motions, rather than change it. Now everything's different and Im having a hard time dealing with the change. My mother's father did not handle change well and they blamed that on him having gone to WWII, but what if it was something deeper than that? Those things can be passed down. Back to the self confidence issue, I dont have enough faith in myself to make a huge life change out of the blue. I always wait until long after I should have before I actually make my move.

I dunno, maybe I should, like, talk to somebody about it. That doesnt mean that I will. Verbalizing my feelings is something that I have a very difficult time doing, which is why I blog. The words are now out, even if nobody reads them, and I can feel better.


I turned off commenting on this post because this is not a pity party. If you really have something to say email me.