I was all upset today after seeing him leave a comment on my blog. I dont know why I always let him get to me. I did it the whole time we were together. I used to always do things his way, do what he wanted. I wouldnt allow myself to get mad at him for anything, because he'd only turn it around and make the whole thing my fault. He was always making me feel guilty for some thing or another. This is the guy who, when we first started going out, used to send me home and then spend hours every night talking to another girl on the phone. This is the guy who actually told me that one of his female friends at college was prettier than I was. This is the guy who used to tell me that he'd get laid more if he just went out and picked up. The guy who had the nerve to throw a party for his work friends, and uninvite me to it. I actually let him treat me like that.

Before you start asking me why, let me explain. I would be lying if I said that I was a strong person. I am way too passive for my own good. Im not particularly a follower, I certainly march to the beat of my own drummer, but I am a real pushover. I dont say anything to anybody in my own defense. I take it all without exploding. I dont get angry at people, or pick fights with them. In the end I always implode. I take everything out on myself, I always have. Its much easier for me to deal with things that way. I have a hard time expressing myself out loud to other people, and I have a real problem actually going to people for help. I hate to feel like Im putting someone else out of their way, so I just deal with things my own way.

Now, put that into context. I was dating a guy who needed to be in control. I dont mean that he controlled me, it never did get that far, but things had to be done his way, or he would be pissy or throw a tantrum. We had to do the things he wanted to do, see the movies he wanted to see, eat where he wanted to eat. Hell, we couldnt even sit on the couch together without him constantly telling me how to sit every time he fidgeted. Even if it was with a group of people, it had to be what he wanted to do, he couldnt just go with the crowd. What happened if I didnt do it his way? Well, he would get huffy, or pissy, or throw a tantrum. He knew how to guilt me into doing what he wanted, and it was just easier for me to do what he wanted, than to not do it. Christ, there were times when we had sex that he knew that I was only doing it to keep him happy. Sometimes I'd even offer to cry to give it effect. Yes, I got my digs in where I could.

So, that's why I am afraid of him. Nobody knows how to make me feel worthless like he can, and quite frankly, emotionally I cant deal with that anymore. That's why I got out of the relationship. I needed to for my own mental health. Sure Im not proud of the fact that I broke up with him on MSN messenger, while he was in Halifax. But, honestly, if that was the worst thing that I did to him in the four years that we were together, it doesnt even begin to compare with some of the bullshit that I put up with from him.