Hmm.. every time I sit down to blog I've got nothing to write about. I can have an entire post run through my head but the minute I sit at the keyboard to type it wanders away.
I dont even know if anyone reads this blog. I dont actually care. If people read what I write, great. If nobody reads it, that's fine, Im writing for myself anyway. I write here because I have a hard time putting my feelings into words. That and nobody really understands me. I dont like venting to my boyfriend. Usually when I have something to vent about its actually about him, and I avoid fighting, which usually happens because he's so defensive. I hardly ever see anyone but him outside of work because I spend so damn much time at work and nobody else ever has any money. Im not really close enough to anyone at work to vent about my personal life.
Its frusterating for sure. Like I said most of what I need is about my boyfriend, and because I dont like fighting I just dont vent things ABOUT him TO him. He hates that. Oh well, I hate fighting. If I catch him in a lie or something I'll usually call him on it. Sometimes I dont, like way back in July my brother told me about a party my boyfriend let go on in his gradmother's old house (which nobody is currently living in). The party was mostly kids (people under 18, not near drinking age) and he let them party there and he wasnt even there to survey it. Boyfriend never told me about it, and there was one day not too long after this that he had to stop by the house to get something and I waited in the car and asked him why there was a bottle of Golden Glow on the step. His response: I dont know. He did know I later found out. I've never brought it up. I could have tonight, but I didnt, he's sick and defensive and I just dont want to put up with the fighting. It wasnt the first time he lied to me, and I doubt it will be the last. I wont even go into it being immature and irresponsible.
Why do I put up with it? I dont know. Maybe its because I love him, maybe I dont have enough self-confidence to think I can find anyone else, maybe Im afraid to be alone. Who knows? I think that girls will put up with more than guys will anyway. Your average girl will stick with a guy that loves her and put up with his crap because he loves her and who says that she's ever gonna find another guy who will love her? Especially those of us who are a little overweight, arent drop-dead gorgeous, and are a little shy (or anti-social in my case).
I KNOW my boyfriend loves me, I dont question that (unless he goes a while not wanting sex, meh). Im probably difficult being as how Im a obsessive-compulsive, over emotional, overly sensitive, easily depressed, a little needy, a little whiny, just to name a few. Im also rather private, introverted, and somewhat anti-social. I hardly take things out on anyone else, I usually take things out on myself. I let things build inside until I have a meltdown. I hurt myself when Im really depressed/upset. I've GOTTA be tough to love.
I suppose I put up with everything from him to make up for my own insecurities (or worthlessness, whatever). Because I know love doesnt solve everything, sometimes you can love someone with all your heart but it might be better to just let go and move on. Sure I love him (or at least I think I do, if we ever break up I may feel differently). And I also agree with the quote "Love is not a victory march, its a cold and broken hallelujah (Leonard Cohen - Hallelujah)". No relationship is without its fights and heartbreaks. Not one, but as long as you can survive them and work through them then it usually works out fine in the end. Mind you, we all have our lines to cross. There is a lot I have put up with, but there's a lot I wont, like if he were to cheat on me or hit me or something. We all have to break sometime.
I suppose the thing I love most about him is his ability to make me feel good no matter what. I like the person I am when Im with him. I feel totally free to be myself, the crazy fucked up person that I am. I hope that doesnt come off as being a little self-serving, Im not with him so I'll have better self esteem, but who wants to be with a guy (or girl) who makes them feel like shit? I suppose its hard to explain, and I dont even know if this blog is in any way coherent. Just the ramblings of some psycho chick I guess..
{Friday, October 3}
