Hmmm, looking at the date of the last post, it HAS been a while. I should post more often. I certainly cant say that Im never sitting in front of a computer because I spend forty hours a week sitting in front of one. Today happens to be day six of my six day spread. Meaning that this is the sixth ten hour shift I've worked in a row. Add that up, that's sixty hours I've worked straight. Needless to say I will spend my day off tomorrow sleeping. At least for most of the day anyway. My friend might kidnap me and borrow some of my cd's. And her and I and our boyfriends have "maybe" plans to go to wings.
Friday is Hallowe'en. I have an appointment to get pulmonary function tests done and then Im going to a small get together at a friend's house. I've got a four day weekend this coming weekend. Im off Thursday/Friday/Saturday/Sunday. I need it desperately. The other day I cried on the way to work because Im just tired of working here, but Im stuck because now not only do I have student loan payments, but I've got car payments and insurance payments. Ugh.. This week I have no extra money too. I was sick last week and missed thirty hours off of my pay so I cant even make my rent this pay. Double ugh. Luckily my rent is only to my mother or I'd be seriously screwed. As much as I want to move out, I've got it easy.
Oh I ordered my dress for New Years. Im crossing my fingers and toes that it'll fit me. I also ordered shoes to wear with it (and maybe keep regardless of the dress fitting or not) and a slinky little negligee to wear when I stay over at my boyfriend's house after the partying on New Year's Eve. Hopefully this year will be better than the last few years. If the dress fits me I'll have to go and get a backless bra, and some new sexy panties. It'll be winter and I should wear pantyhose, maybe I'll get stockings and a garter. I should make sure my period isnt due then, so I can make sure I fix my pills and change it. Im looking forward to New Year's, I really hope that dress fits. As soon as I saw it I fell in love with it. Ohh.. I just realized that I would have to get a shawl with it. Oh frig that, Mom can make one.
I havent really done anything since the last time I blogged. I spent quite a few days just enjoying my car, now I cant afford to enjoy it anymore. I really like the car though, it drives really well and it is good on gas, and it LOOKS good. Its the only car I've driven since I got it. Cup holders and all!
Anyway, I should go, Im on a call and I'll get slapped for not paying attention to my customer, lol.
{Monday, October 27}
{Saturday, October 11}
Im now the proud owner of a 2000 silver Toyota Echo. Woo me.
{Saturday, October 4}
The local Toyota dealership called me today to tell me that I've been approved for financing. I could have a new car soon. *insert huge grin here*
{Friday, October 3}
Hmm.. every time I sit down to blog I've got nothing to write about. I can have an entire post run through my head but the minute I sit at the keyboard to type it wanders away.
I dont even know if anyone reads this blog. I dont actually care. If people read what I write, great. If nobody reads it, that's fine, Im writing for myself anyway. I write here because I have a hard time putting my feelings into words. That and nobody really understands me. I dont like venting to my boyfriend. Usually when I have something to vent about its actually about him, and I avoid fighting, which usually happens because he's so defensive. I hardly ever see anyone but him outside of work because I spend so damn much time at work and nobody else ever has any money. Im not really close enough to anyone at work to vent about my personal life.
Its frusterating for sure. Like I said most of what I need is about my boyfriend, and because I dont like fighting I just dont vent things ABOUT him TO him. He hates that. Oh well, I hate fighting. If I catch him in a lie or something I'll usually call him on it. Sometimes I dont, like way back in July my brother told me about a party my boyfriend let go on in his gradmother's old house (which nobody is currently living in). The party was mostly kids (people under 18, not near drinking age) and he let them party there and he wasnt even there to survey it. Boyfriend never told me about it, and there was one day not too long after this that he had to stop by the house to get something and I waited in the car and asked him why there was a bottle of Golden Glow on the step. His response: I dont know. He did know I later found out. I've never brought it up. I could have tonight, but I didnt, he's sick and defensive and I just dont want to put up with the fighting. It wasnt the first time he lied to me, and I doubt it will be the last. I wont even go into it being immature and irresponsible.
Why do I put up with it? I dont know. Maybe its because I love him, maybe I dont have enough self-confidence to think I can find anyone else, maybe Im afraid to be alone. Who knows? I think that girls will put up with more than guys will anyway. Your average girl will stick with a guy that loves her and put up with his crap because he loves her and who says that she's ever gonna find another guy who will love her? Especially those of us who are a little overweight, arent drop-dead gorgeous, and are a little shy (or anti-social in my case).
I KNOW my boyfriend loves me, I dont question that (unless he goes a while not wanting sex, meh). Im probably difficult being as how Im a obsessive-compulsive, over emotional, overly sensitive, easily depressed, a little needy, a little whiny, just to name a few. Im also rather private, introverted, and somewhat anti-social. I hardly take things out on anyone else, I usually take things out on myself. I let things build inside until I have a meltdown. I hurt myself when Im really depressed/upset. I've GOTTA be tough to love.
I suppose I put up with everything from him to make up for my own insecurities (or worthlessness, whatever). Because I know love doesnt solve everything, sometimes you can love someone with all your heart but it might be better to just let go and move on. Sure I love him (or at least I think I do, if we ever break up I may feel differently). And I also agree with the quote "Love is not a victory march, its a cold and broken hallelujah (Leonard Cohen - Hallelujah)". No relationship is without its fights and heartbreaks. Not one, but as long as you can survive them and work through them then it usually works out fine in the end. Mind you, we all have our lines to cross. There is a lot I have put up with, but there's a lot I wont, like if he were to cheat on me or hit me or something. We all have to break sometime.
I suppose the thing I love most about him is his ability to make me feel good no matter what. I like the person I am when Im with him. I feel totally free to be myself, the crazy fucked up person that I am. I hope that doesnt come off as being a little self-serving, Im not with him so I'll have better self esteem, but who wants to be with a guy (or girl) who makes them feel like shit? I suppose its hard to explain, and I dont even know if this blog is in any way coherent. Just the ramblings of some psycho chick I guess..
I dont even know if anyone reads this blog. I dont actually care. If people read what I write, great. If nobody reads it, that's fine, Im writing for myself anyway. I write here because I have a hard time putting my feelings into words. That and nobody really understands me. I dont like venting to my boyfriend. Usually when I have something to vent about its actually about him, and I avoid fighting, which usually happens because he's so defensive. I hardly ever see anyone but him outside of work because I spend so damn much time at work and nobody else ever has any money. Im not really close enough to anyone at work to vent about my personal life.
Its frusterating for sure. Like I said most of what I need is about my boyfriend, and because I dont like fighting I just dont vent things ABOUT him TO him. He hates that. Oh well, I hate fighting. If I catch him in a lie or something I'll usually call him on it. Sometimes I dont, like way back in July my brother told me about a party my boyfriend let go on in his gradmother's old house (which nobody is currently living in). The party was mostly kids (people under 18, not near drinking age) and he let them party there and he wasnt even there to survey it. Boyfriend never told me about it, and there was one day not too long after this that he had to stop by the house to get something and I waited in the car and asked him why there was a bottle of Golden Glow on the step. His response: I dont know. He did know I later found out. I've never brought it up. I could have tonight, but I didnt, he's sick and defensive and I just dont want to put up with the fighting. It wasnt the first time he lied to me, and I doubt it will be the last. I wont even go into it being immature and irresponsible.
Why do I put up with it? I dont know. Maybe its because I love him, maybe I dont have enough self-confidence to think I can find anyone else, maybe Im afraid to be alone. Who knows? I think that girls will put up with more than guys will anyway. Your average girl will stick with a guy that loves her and put up with his crap because he loves her and who says that she's ever gonna find another guy who will love her? Especially those of us who are a little overweight, arent drop-dead gorgeous, and are a little shy (or anti-social in my case).
I KNOW my boyfriend loves me, I dont question that (unless he goes a while not wanting sex, meh). Im probably difficult being as how Im a obsessive-compulsive, over emotional, overly sensitive, easily depressed, a little needy, a little whiny, just to name a few. Im also rather private, introverted, and somewhat anti-social. I hardly take things out on anyone else, I usually take things out on myself. I let things build inside until I have a meltdown. I hurt myself when Im really depressed/upset. I've GOTTA be tough to love.
I suppose I put up with everything from him to make up for my own insecurities (or worthlessness, whatever). Because I know love doesnt solve everything, sometimes you can love someone with all your heart but it might be better to just let go and move on. Sure I love him (or at least I think I do, if we ever break up I may feel differently). And I also agree with the quote "Love is not a victory march, its a cold and broken hallelujah (Leonard Cohen - Hallelujah)". No relationship is without its fights and heartbreaks. Not one, but as long as you can survive them and work through them then it usually works out fine in the end. Mind you, we all have our lines to cross. There is a lot I have put up with, but there's a lot I wont, like if he were to cheat on me or hit me or something. We all have to break sometime.
I suppose the thing I love most about him is his ability to make me feel good no matter what. I like the person I am when Im with him. I feel totally free to be myself, the crazy fucked up person that I am. I hope that doesnt come off as being a little self-serving, Im not with him so I'll have better self esteem, but who wants to be with a guy (or girl) who makes them feel like shit? I suppose its hard to explain, and I dont even know if this blog is in any way coherent. Just the ramblings of some psycho chick I guess..
